A nightmare

Hello everyone. I just need/want to say out loud… this pain is awful. I miss my son so so much and really don’t know how I am to keep going. He was the most wonderful young man. Why…why…

Yes Orchard it is awful,and like you some days i just want to climb a hill and scream as loud as i can Why,just letting you know,we are listening,take care x

Thank you Robina for replying. I know there are no answers but it helps to know you’re not alone on this journey. Hugs xo

I so understand and share your pain. Christmas was horrendous as is this whole time. I have cried so much.
We are constantly told it does get better and I do know of two relatives to whom this happened and further down the line they live happy fulfilling lives but still have bad days.
I cannot believe we can sustain this level of grief for ever but it feels that we will doesn’t it?
You are not alone and will survive this it just does not feel like it right now.
Hugs xxxx

I so understand and share your pain. Christmas was horrendous as is this whole time. I have cried so much.
We are constantly told it does get better and I do know of two relatives to whom this happened and further down the line they live happy fulfilling lives but still have bad days.
I cannot believe we can sustain this level of grief for ever but it feels that we will doesn’t it?
You are not alone and we will survive this it just does not feel like it right now.
Hugs xxxx

I feel the same, on some days I just cry so much, and then others I feel okaish. Yesterday we celebrated with friends my daughters fiancée and family. I had to keep going into the kitchen because the pain of her not being in the room is too much to bear, and yet I know that all of those people have seen me/us through and will continue to do so. One thing I have become aware of is true friends and setting small goals and things to look forward to, also that it’s all baby steps, one at a time. Sending virtual hugs to everyone xxx

Thank you Matella. I know I’m not alone and so many others are going through this. But I do look at his photo and the grief is overwhelming. I just can’t comprehend living in to the future without him. This site is invaluable as when people ask how you are you can’t really tell them, they would run a mile. So I mumble not to bad etc and talk on. I’d love to say that the pain is horrendous, that I just can’t find that energy we need for life. I know I’m rambling again. I’m sure you cried lots to but at least by the morning this festive season will be over. Love xo

Thank you Susan. I’m sorry for your pain in loosing your daughter. I agree with you I too have discovered who true friends are, unfortunately not very many. And I to try to look no further than today. Any more and it’s hard to process. My dad died ten years ago today so it’s always been a day I hated anyway. But it will be over in 24 hrs. Thinking of everyone xo

The idea of “it” getting easier bothers me.

You see, I think my level of grief is as it should be, given the loss, and it seems as though any sense of easing of the pain would be a betrayal of what I owe to Eileen.

Oh yes, I can laugh, I can smile, I make witty quips (well I think so!), I can try and make it easier for others, especially for those who I know she cared for, but my misery not only remains, but deepens.

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I read somewhere Edwin a warrior survives loss in their life and finds some light to illuminate their darkness,think we are warriors of grief x

I too feel that this level of grief is what I should be feeling for my daughter. I feel it is about her, not me. I feel so sad that she did not have a full life and was often poorly for the short life she had. In many ways I don’t want the pain to ever leave me because it connects me to her.
However, I do not believe this level of pain is sustainable for ever and I imagine that nature will some how intervene and it will ease. X

Hi orchard
I lost my son in oct 2018, he was only 30 , went into hospital with stomach pains … and never came out .
Am totally in shock , you just don’t expect this to happen , he had pancreatitis , the feeling is the worst thing you’ve ever had to endure, like a living hell , I keep asking why him?? He’s too young , every day is a struggle , almost like just an existence , carrying on for my other children , like u , I just don’t know what to do anymore X

So sorry that you have lost your dear son. It is unbearable isn’t it?
I too struggle with the thought that this is it and no matter how much I talk to my daughter, think about her, look at photographs or whatever, there is no response. It is so unbelievably sad.
It is still very early days for us all and the pain is so raw.
I have read quite a bit on What’s Your Grief, books on losing your child, and I talk endlessly. None of it is going to solve anything but it does help as do the people on here. So, keep posting and reading. You are among people who genuinely care and understand. With love xxx

Hello, I am so so sorry to hear of your son’s death. I’m sorry you have now joined us on this horrendous journey. You are bound to be still in total shock, I found it was about six weeks before the shock wore off and the real pain started. I understand everything you say. The total failure to comprehend a life without our sons. I look at his photo and the tears flow. I really don’t think I will ever live life fully again. How can we. For me it’s about getting through every 24 hrs. I would suggest you get some books on grief. I find them helpful, just to understand your feelings and emotions. And keep talking on here. It’s a valuable site as there is always someone to respond. Please message me anytime. Love and hugs xo

Dear Orchard,
I am so glad you are still posting as it helps being among people who have suffered terrible loss.
I can’t even look st photos of my daughter, Gemma, although I do talk to her.
I am coming up to the first anniversary, February 1st and am dreading it. So many terrible memories of that day. I still wake up in the morning sometimes and it feels as though it was yesterday.
We are not judged here, we are met with understanding and love which I believe can bring us back from the brink and help us move forward. Sending you love xxx

Hello Victoria, thank you for your message. I know you must be dreading the anniversary but at the same time you have got through a birthday, Xmas and New year. I find the lead up to special days are worse than the day itself. I to wake from sleep and just for a fraction of a second time pause’s then reality comes to me. I know my son is dead but at the same time I can’t comprehend a life without him. I find myself liking to be among people who also have experienced loss as they understand completely how you feel. People who still have a normal life don’t understand and can be desperate for you to ‘get better’ , they can’t handle our pain. I’ll be thinking of you during the next few weeks. Don’t hesitate to message me at anytime. Love and hugs xx

Dear Orchard,
Thank you for your lovely reply. It is very comforting. I too feel better amongst people who suffered such a loss as sometimes I feel that I have to put on an act and it is a struggle. My grandson is seeing a child grief counsellor and as part of that he will meet other children who have lost their mummies and daddies. At the age of 8 he says he ‘really wants to do that’.
Lots of love to you xxx

ACH Victoria how sad. We feel our pain but how must it be for a child. Isn’t life just so cruel. Can I ask what happened with your daughter?..xx

Hi Orchard
My daughter Gemma took her own life on the 1st February last year. She emailed to say goodbye. she was sorry and to look after her boys. We couldn’t find her in time. She had left a long letter explaining why and we realised that there were things going on in her life that she had not told anyone. Not us, not her brother or sister and not her close friends.
It is like a nightmare for us that we will never wake up from but havecyo keep going for the boys. In the first six months I felt as though I was going mad but most of the time I feel calmer now.
I hoe you can also feel this calmness at times.
Much love xxx

Hello Victoria, the pain of losing your lovely Gemma in this way must be unbearable, I feel for you so much , and will be thinking of you on 1st of Febuary.
Sending you love Maddie xx

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