After losing my Mum so suddenly & holding her hand as she slipped away , I found this poem and it sums what happened & how I now feel…I’ve amended it slightly…
Mum , in that moment you left us somebody else stepped into the room , I didn’t see who had come in at first in fact it wasn’t until the early hours of the following day that I noticed her. It was a morning of phone calls to break the news to everyone and there she was, her name is Sadness and she’s my new companion. She goes everywhere with me now, she has since she came in, she sits beside me on the sofa and sometimes it’s ok, other times she makes me sob. I can’t do anything without her, I go shopping & she reminds me of your favourite jam. I laugh at something on tv, she reminds me of your sense of humour, I read something in a book and think, I must tell Mum about that but she reminds me, you’re not coming home. A song on the radio, its one that reminds me of you but I can’t sing along because she is somehow squeezing my throat. There are times I can’t see her and she will jump out from somewhere and practically knock me off my feet, she punches holes into my chest, she thumps my heart so hard I feel it ache for hours even days sometimes. I know now that she will never leave me, Sadness and I are joined together now, we are connected in this awful way for life, she will make me cry, she will make me sob, she will break my heart at the beginning of every new day, yes, she is here to stay, Sadness is her name and I wish with all my heart she would leave but she won’t but Mum you are always in my heart. I love you . x
Thank you for sharing this. It rings so true for me too.
I, like you, held my partner’s hand as she finally drew her last breath.
We had to turn off her life support but I was able to stroke her hair and tell her how much I and everybody else loved her.
Doing the online shopping is painful, all the stuff she liked is still in favourites and they keep popping up, and each time I feel like I’ve been thumped in the solar plexus. Like you, I get a great big lump in my throat so I can hardly breathe.
Isobel was my soulmate and best friend, I love and miss her so very much, it’s unbearably painful and I feel the sadness will always be with me.
My heart goes out to you x
Bless you , its so painful isn’t it . I burst into tears in Tesco yesterday just thinking about the items Mum use to ask me to pick up for her. I also have terrible feelings of guilt , I wish I’d rang Mum more frequently, popped to see her more often, just made more of an effort! I miss her so much , I yearn to speak to her again.
I’m sorry your suffering , Isobel sounds like a beautiful soul . Sending love & a huge hug. X
Thank you for the hug and for caring.
I keep wondering whether I should have fought more to keep Isobel’s life support going.
Should I have challenged the consultants and insisted we wait ?
Did I let her go too soon ?
Did she really know how much I loved her ?
I’ve never felt so heartsick and alone, even though I have supportive family and friends.
I’m sure your mum knew how much you loved and cherished her.
I wonder whether this guilt we are feeling is a part of the grieving process.
I really hope you find peace and acceptance, just as I want that for myself.
Sending a big hug back.
Try and take care of you x
Nan nan my shopping was delivered that morning mum went and things I got for her sat in a cupboard for ages and even nearly 6 months on the things I used to order for her still come up. We used to shop in sainsburys every Tuesday and I’ve not been in there since. I can’t. I can barely look at the place. The intense pain and desperation does ware off but as per Florence’s poem, we’ll always carry this sadness now. But it won’t be as overwhelming. So sorry for both your losses and sending lots of hugs.
Xxx
The guilt is part of it. I still think now I should of gone to see mum in the morning but she said not to. My sister did see her and she told her she was fine and to go. As hard as it is maybe we have to accept it was their time and I believe my mum went how she’d of wanted to. She didn’t know. She didn’t suffer. She was so scared of dying. I don’t know. I just don’t know. But I think you did all you could and I’m sure the hospital did too xxx
So sad for you nicnic, I think there will always be ‘what ifs’. I guess it’s to be expected.
Reading your story and Florence’s helps me feel less alone.
Like you, I am so glad Isobel died without pain or fear. I think the sadness sometimes overwhelms me and I go looking for answers where there aren’t any.
Thank you for sharing.
Knowing you understand the pain and sadness because you’re in the same place is reassuring somehow.
I hope you find peace in time.
I’m sure your mum knew how much you loved her.
Take care , sending a hug your way x
It’s very unbearable. I’m approaching the 6 month mark and I can tell you the overwhelming feelings do go. It doesn’t physically control you. I think i was in shock for a good 3 months and morning anxiety was awful. But it does ware off. At the moment it’s waves we have to ride but the waves will calm down again until the next one and again you ride that one. I still cry daily but I smile at memories too. It’s the most messed up I’ve ever felt in my life but the intense feelings will subside for both of you. But keep talking on here. To me if you want to. Todays been a bad day for me. But at the moment I just somehow make it through each one. And with people on here it takes the edge off knowing you’re not alone. Cos you’re not.
Xxx
Thank you Florence for such a beautiful poem. I lost my beloved Mum 6 months ago, and miss her so very much, l feel paralysed without her at times.
To the outside world I’m coping and I’m really not. I have a disabled 30 year old son to care for, and he is not coping well at all without his Gran. They adored each other. Your poem says it all, im so sorry for your pain and loss of your Mum. Sending love xx