We were supposed to be away this weekend and my daughter was booked into the Respite Centre for 4 nights. I cancelled our holiday but decided to go ahead with the Respite so that I could catch up on sleep and chores. I can’t get much done whilst Katie is here because she needs one - to - one attention. So, I went to bed and woke up in an empty house with nothing to distract me. I can have a bath, do nothing, or get on with some much-needed chores. And I hate it! When she is here, demanding my attention, I think I would give anything for an hour to myself, or being able to sleep beyond 5 am.
The weekend stretches ahead and I have no motivation to do anything. It’s still probably a good thing that I let her go. It will be something different for her and it has made me realise that I need her just as much as she needs me. I have never thought of her as a burden, I love her to bits, but her disabilities are hard work. Turns out that she is my salvation after all. She gives me structure, a reason to carry on, and best of all, the loveliest cuddles. Sometimes the reason to carry on is right under our nose.
It will be difficult for you, but just do whatever you need to or want to…
…and if that is nothing at all, then so be it!
I’m sure your mind will be working overtime trying to process everything and that can be exhausting too.
Hugs
It’s strange how we struggle to know what we want when we are grieving.
We get so overwhelmed by the sadness that we can only focus on our loss and not what we do have.
In rare moments of clarity when my grief fog lifts, I can see that my kids are the reason for me to be here and why I need to carry on - and I promised my husband I would look after them.
The break will do you some good I’m sure - although hard to be alone, spend time on yourself and grieve how you want to.
I hope your weekend is as good as it can be - expect lots of mixed emotions but try find a little pocket of peace somewhere.
Sending strength and love xx
Thank you. I have just had a proper shower, I was even able to shut the door, usually I leave it open in order to keep a running commentary! Then I took the time to moisturise.
I did a proper shop, the first in 9 weeks when he went into hospital. We have been living out of the freezer, just buying milk and fruit up until now. Putting it all away set me off sobbing. Tins of soup, instant noodles and frozen fruit and vegetables. It’s a whole new world. I used to cook everything from scratch but I really can’t be bothered with that just yet. What do people eat on their own? When my daughter is here I try to put in a bit of effort. Perhaps I should make some meals for one, getting two out when she is here.
I really am fed of being such a sad and lonely person. I feel like Jilly-no-mates. I always try to look for the positives in life but I have to admit that I am struggling to make any sense out this.
You could be writing my story!
I’m glad to hear you’ve done something for yourself…
I’ve taken to eating junk… and lots of it, unfortunately.
Like you, I cooked from scratch almost every day.
Now, if I cook, I batch cook and freeze, mainly because I’m still shopping for two…
I too, am still trying to make sense of what happened, I can’t believe he’s gone and how much my life has changed.
With your words in mind, I decided to go for a walk. I have not walked far during the last 9 weeks, partly because I get breathless, but now I have got a new inhaler. I have not been out for a walk alone for 16 years actually. We used to go out for walks together all the time as our house is at the end of a country lane. I didn’t want to go out and didn’t expect to enjoy it. But I am concerned that I am becoming too isolated and turning into a hermit, so I made myself do it, and I am so glad that I did. So, thank you!
My walk included visiting the cemetery where Jeremy’s ashes were scattered. I knew exactly on which rose bed because I asked the funeral director. Being a bit of a rose collector I recognised the rose variety in that bed as being “Renaissance”, a very lovely rose that we have in our garden.
Now I am back home with another three achievements. I found out that my inhaler is effective, I found out that I can go out alone without having an emotional storm, and I visited the place where his ashes are.
I am so very glad I found this place and all you lovely friends. Xx
Hi Willow I’ve been on my own since day 1, so can understand how quiet the house is and with no one else there to motivate you to do anything. Why not just do nothing- it sounds like you never get that opportunity to do that and reflect. Someone asked me the other day ‘what are you doing this afternoon’ and I just said I don’t know. Genuinely had no idea how to pass the time and just ended up sitting about. I’m just assuming this is part of the grieving process and I’ll know when I’m ready to spring into action!
With regards to cooking, I too got fed up of junk food ( or nothing) so have gone back to making what I would have done for us two and freezing the other half. At least you get every other week off cooking. It’s not very pleasurable but better than constant junk which doesn’t help you physically.
Hope you can enjoy the next few days xx
That’s so good you got out and motivated yourself to do 3 things.
Just keep going one step and one activity at a time and I’m sure it will get easier.
I had a tricky Morning too. My oldest daughter didn’t manage in to her night shift last night as she was too upset ( she’s a student nurse on placement ). She’s 1.5 hours away but didn’t call me as she tries to cope on her own.
Then my mum called and that just upsets me more, as she tells me all her problems and then I get upset that 2 of my siblings haven’t even bothered to message or call since my husband died. I find it just so hurtful that they don’t seem to care enough even to ask how their nieces and nephews are doing.
Sorry - moan over. Just need to get it out sometimes and there’s no one here to tell except my kids which I don’t want to do.
Anyway, have gone and joined the gym with my daughter so will go there over the weekend, then picked up medication for the dog so she stops hopefully being incontinent and peeing everywhere and am heading out for another dog walk with the youngest 2.
Trying to stay positive - but it doesn’t take much to knock me down at the moment.
Anyone else find that ?
Yes Roni. I seem to be hyper sensitive at the moment too. When family don’t call I think they don’t care, but I know that’s not true. They really don’t know what to say and they assume if I don’t contact them, then I’m ok??
I now realise that unless you’ve experienced this then you really have no idea. I’ve lost both parents, 2 siblings and a niece but this is on another level entirely xx
Hi roni,
Some family members are odd. My husband had a brother, they hadn’t seen each other for years, didn’t go to each other’s weddings. No show at funerals. No hospital visit, just a text asking how we are. I gave it to him with both barrels and told him that no, we are not managing, we are devastated. Not a peep since. No loss there. I have nieces and nephews, one has been very helpful. I haven’t heard from the others. No siblings really, one sister died and the other sister has severe dementia.
I am impressed at you going to the gym. I used to go, but beyond that now. I hope you and your daughter enjoy it and find it helpful for you both. It must be hard when she is so far away from you. All we want to do is take their pain away, even if we are in too much pain ourselves. I don’t like to let my son know just how difficult I am finding this. He has been really supportive but I don’t want to lean on him too much.
Onwards and upwards! It’s not like we have a choice!
Xx
You’re right Jody. I am hyper sensitive. I’m not particularly close to my siblings but I suppose I had always thought that if something really awful happened that they would be there for me.
And losing my husband seems pretty high on the scale of crappy things to happen.
I know they don’t know what to say but they could try. And I wonder really what my kids think when no one in their extended family bothers with them.
Maybe they don’t really care - I’m probably overthinking as usual.
You’ve had so much loss too. It’s a wonder you’re still standing but you are right in that this is so much harder than anything I’ve experienced before.
Hope your day today is as good as can be
Thanks willow. Families are a challenge aren’t they. I just need to accept that is how it is and keep going. We don’t really have a choice at all - but I suppose we do have a choice in that we are all on here trying to help ourselves and that in itself is a positive.
I try not to lean on my kids too much either, and try to not show them how devastated I am. I think they realise, although sometimes I think even they have no idea. Although he was their dad, he was my life.
One step at a time - and I need to avoid my dear mother.
It’s sad but she always makes me feel 100% worse. I know she doesn’t mean it and I do love her but she is such hard work.
On reflection I think I’m probably like that too at the moment.
read your reason to carry on and i read what you said about your dog dont know if this helps any but my sons dog when he visits pees everywhere in my house so bought dog nappies and it worked a treat hope your day at the gym goes well for you i too lost my husband 6 weeks ago so just taking each day as it comes some are just crying days others are just coping
Thanks for the advice regarding my dog.
She getting older but she’s been incontinent since she was spayed over a year ago. It was only the rare occurrence but since my husband died it’s been a lot more. I’m sure she misses him as he was her main walker 3 times a day. This morning she was breathing really oddly so I got up to see if she was ok. It sounded like she was crying and I only got up as I thought it was one of my kids. Was very strange. She was ok.
More importantly I’m so sorry about your husband. 6 weeks isn’t long at all so be kind to yourself and take as much rest and cry as much as you want to.
It is just the most hideous thing to go through. I’m almost 4 months in and it is certainly a rollercoaster - but not one I would ask to go on.
Being on here helps I hope. Everyone does really understand, when the rest of the world appears to be completely oblivious.
Sending some hugs and strength to you xx
I have 2 cats, the vet saw one as I was worried and said he was grieving. That was a few weeks ago. He is better but still has moments when he seems to withdraw and is sad.
He adored my husband so it makes sense to me.
