A sad feeling in so many ways

I can’t miss the fact that every time I feel very tired or stressed, I cry. This morning I decided to stay in my jammies till lunch time and then go for a walk to my childhood places. As I walk slowly past my first school my mind starts thinking of two unforgettable songs. “This used to be my playground” and “The old schoolyard”. It sounds very corny but this always happens, I can only think that these two songs are so appropriate.

In the last few years of my mum’s life, she too used to talk so lovingly about her school days and with her friends playing on the meadows, swimming in city baths and watching the boys play cricket. Even right at the end, her chant was always “happy days” in such a weary way.

There is so much joy in our childhood memories that never seem to leave us. Even when there are good things “in the now”, they don’t compare to childhood memories. It makes me wonder if we will always look back.

How do other members feel about good times, is looking back inevitable or can recent memories give the same consolation?

And as we get older do we all spend more time thinking about the best times of the past?

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Hello Greyone. How have you been since you wrote earlier today? I was really touched by your post and your Mum’s recollection of times gone by. I do understand about the memories thing and you’ve brought up a thought provoking question. I feel a bit sorry for today’s generation in a way because their eye’s never look up from their phone/tablet screens, time will fly by and they won’t even notice it’s gone let alone be able to construct meaningful memories. That’s just my “grumpy old woman” side showing and I’m not even “that old”!. The mind is a complex thing isn’t it and maybe the way we view, store and retrieve memories changes consciously and subconsciously with the passage of time. Interesting points you make though. You’ve made me think. Hope you are OK, take care.

Hi Tina.

Thank you so much for such a thoughtful reply. I’ve started to keep my journal again. I include my thoughts and letters to mum and dad. I find typing much easier than writing these days.

I am roughly the same age my dad was when he retired and I have been thinking about as well. My sister and I still live a sad existence in our family home, have yet to commit to truly moving on and are consumed by our own lives.

A very nice man from Cruse thought that still living in the family house may be one reason for my prolonged sadness and tears.

I am spending the rest of this week far away from my home to attend an event I am not well prepared for. For those two days I will be free of my house, family and old life; in an unknown town doing something different.

I will certainly post again, probably on Sunday evening with my final thoughts.

Thanks for reply. It’s uncanny you mention it’s thought that living in your family home is holding you back emotionally. For me it’s the fact that I left my married home shortly after my loss and have not yet been back to sleep there. I was in a different town and didn’t know anyone so I moved back to my Mum’s with my Brother there as well. Dreadful decision. Not just because I don’t feel I have come to terms with things properly as I subconsciously think my Husband is at my house. At some point this will have to be faced. I too must start my journal again as I did do it for a year after my loss. I’m now 26 months bereaved. Grief is such a tightly bundled ball of string isn’t it? I look forward to your thoughts on Sunday and wish you well for rest of week.

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