A STORY.

A man visited a village on his travels. He was a pilgrim seeking relief from the pain of this world. But he was also self centred and not a very nice person. He stayed in the village for a while, and when he left he said goodbye to no one because no one wanted anything to do with him. When asked the villagers said they were glad to see him go. He made people miserable.
Another pilgrim came. He was a good man. He behaved well with everyone and gave love and support where he could. His compassion was evident, although he had suffered himself. The villagers didn’t want him to go. After he left they all said what a lovely man he was, and remembered him.
The moral? We get back what we give. “So it shall be done unto you”. Now I’m not suggesting we all run around dancing and pretending to be happy when in the midst of pain. But the acceptance of the fact that there are others hurting as much as us, and being kind and compassionate does not really take much effort. “By their fruits shall ye know them”. What will folk say about us as we pass through their metaphorical village?
Pain and grief can make us feel angry, and we often take it out on those closest to us. But anger, resentment and hate only breed and multiply.
Forgiveness acts like oil on troubled waters.
Often it happens on here that someone takes offence at another’s remarks. We are all in the same boat, The last thing we want is hassle.
When I first came on here I too took offense at someone who seemed to be miserable and not coping. It was a big mistake and I learned a lot from that experience. I was in a mess myself, but that was no excuse.
Take care all. Blessings. John.

4 Likes

@jonathan123 Thank you for posting this it is very meaningful for all us.

You have put that very well, but sometimes it’s difficult when you are hurting so much yourself, but I certainly agree with the sentiment.

Hi. Jude. Yes, even in midst of this awful pain we can still be kind to others. Everyone on here has come because they felt a need to share how they felt. To talk to those who also suffer as they do, and that can be a very big help.
It’s difficult, and not for a moment would I deny that. But we can make the effort given the willingness to do so. Being kind to ourselves is very important because we can so easily neglect ourselves. Being kind and understanding to others helps too because we help ourselves at the same time. This is not being selfish but a fact. Who doesn’t get a feeling of satisfaction if we mange to cheer someone up if only a bit.
We all hurt, some so much more than others. But that hurt can be put to good use if we reach out even in the midst of our pain. It’s what this site is about and all the lovely people on it.
Take care and try and accept how you feel. No fighting or struggling with emotions. Let it all come. Blessings. John.

I agree with everything you are saying xx

Thank you Jonathan. To give is better to receive. I have found that by trying to help others it helps me. And on another post you have put about the written word. The written word can have so many different meanings if it loses the inflection of speech and is therefore often open to interpretation and more often misinterpretation. Something that is very evident with social media and the offence it can give.
Take care all
Trisha x

2 Likes

Yes indeed Trisha. We rely a lot on people expressions and the tone in which they say something, and also body language. None of these are available in the written word, and as you say, so many misunderstandings arise from that. I have always known words are powerful. Dr. Goebbles, the Nazi propaganda minster, knew that and mesmerised a whole nation with words. If I say ‘I like you’ it can be said in a way that you know is a genuine thought. But I can say it in derogatory tone, ‘I like you?’ . The words are the same but the meaning is so different.
We always need to be careful in the words we choose.
Thanks for your reply and I hope things are going better for you, if only a little. Blessings. John.

1 Like

Thank you John. It was a year yesterday for me - so have had many thoughts over the last few days. But my children and I met over zoom last night and we talked a lot about Dad and smiled and laughed too - we felt we brought him into the room with us - after all he was the centre of our world. But I am, as I believe you know, a positive person, but still take it a day at a time and try and find something every day. Today I am so pleased for Gary as we put a clip of him playing guitar on his facebook page along with a few words - and so many of his friends wrote such beautiful comments about what a lovely person he was - and so very talented too - so yes it does hurt and it makes me cry - but I know he would be chuffed to little bits knowing what people thought of him. He really was a good person and I don’t believe he knew how his friends and colleagues thought of him. They were lovely words and I will treasure them and will probably read them over and over again. So as you say so much power in words - good as well as bad.
Take care John- I hope you are looking after yourself in these very strange times.
Trisha x

1 Like

hi Jonathon
trying to reach out to others is difficult at times.and we can only try our best,at times
that may not be enough and also what we say can be taken the wrong way.
but with the 2 people you mention in your story,id prefer to be a mixture of the 2 .as in id be ok just leaving,but like to of hopefully helped those I was able to.and given comfort and empathy to those who needed it.sorry if it doesnt make sense,but hey thats my dodgy thought processes at work.
I will always try give help comfort or advice if I can,and some times what I do or say wont help,but I can only try.sadly until I leave this mortal coil I will carry the nastiness I was given after losing Jayne.although ive no intention of any sort of retribution I cannot forgive them.[ever] but still found this a helpful read.
regards
ian

Hi Jonathan, do you think that it makes a difference to a person’s response to grief depending on how their loved one died? Of course grief is a universal emotion that everyone will experience at some time in their life to a greater or lesser extent and certain coping mechanisms can be applied in theory . However not fighting or struggling with emotions is something I haven’t yet mastered.
Every person posting on this forum has suffered the loss of someone central to their existence, whether it’s a lifelong soulmate, a parent, sibling or child and using this site is an indication of the devastating effect that loss has had on their life. it’s also apparent that despite differences in how that loss occurs, whether it’s sudden, following prolonged illness, suicide or accident the end result of debilitating and life changing grief is the same.
In my own case I know that my grief and that of my two sons has been compounded by the utter indifference we were shown at the time of my husbands sudden death and sad to say six months on. If I felt for one moment that all that could have been done for him prior to and after his death had been done, I may be further forward in emerging from the absolute hell I now inhabit.
My husband died suddenly in front of our 27 year old son while out for the evening in a city 30 miles from our home . They were talking and joking over a drink when without warning my husband lost consciousness. Despite immediate CPR and the use of an onsite defibrillator, his heart could not be restarted and he was pronounced dead on arrival at a&e 30 minutes later. What followed thereafter is a masterclass in how not to treat grieving relatives!
When my husband collapsed I was staying with my mother helping her sort things following the death of my father five months earlier .
I had been joining in the jokey conversation with my husband and son via WhatsApp when he collapsed. Instead of the reply I was expecting the landline rang and it was a policeman advising me to get to the hospital asap. I didn’t at that point know my husband had died and endured a three hour taxi journey to the a&e department. It wasn’t our local hospital so whether that made a difference is debatable. My son, deeply traumatized by what he had witnessed was left in the corridor to wait the arrival of his elder brother and me much later. They were eventually shown to a relatives room but no-one stayed with them or offered them any human comfort. When I arrived my sons broke the worst news possible to me in the bleakest of settings. A junior doctor eventually arrived to explain that my husband had died but although it would be referred to the coroner a post mortem would not be required as it was due to natural causes.
The coroner unfortunately agreed that dying mid conversation in front of your son, having last seen a doctor 10 months ago with no apparent serious underlying health condition, is not sudden enough to warrant investigation.
We refused to accept the cause of death and after an enormous struggle managed to secure a hospital post mortem. Even then we were advised to not be ‘too nit-picky’ in trying to discover how the person we loved above all else had died. The result of the post mortem left us despairing but vindicated in our decision. The diagnosis was wrong and the pm revealed a condition for which both my sons now await screening. never once has anyone apologised for getting it wrong and admitting that a chance to learn something for future generations was potentially missed.
In addition to this appalling arrogance and indifference, the way we were allowed to view my husband has left us irredeemably traumatized. He had been abandoned on a trolley with no attempt whatsoever to prepare him for us to see. At 3.30 am we then had to argue to get possession of the car keys from his trouser pocket in order to drive the thirty miles home. Never in a million years will I forgive whoever was responsible for what happened that evening and nothing will ever lessen the impact it has had on my family. My gentle and loving husband deserved so much more.
Obviously we have complained to the hospital about what happened but despite being promised a reply within the six week investigating period this has not materialised. Further emails have gone unanswered. During lockdown all complaints are suspended. Whilst I understand this it is my fear now that all historic issues will be buried under the inevitable enquiries that will arise from this pandemic.
By relating my story I in no way whatsoever want to imply that my grief is any more profound than anyone else posting on this site it is obvious that despite feeling so alone we are one of many all experiencing life changing and shattering grief. How we subsequently accept and deal with that grief must surely vary according to circumstances?
I would be interested to hear how people have coped with grief depending on circumstances and whether anyone else has unresolved issues regarding their loved ones death and how this has affected their ability to grieve.
I sometimes have the impression that people feel that I am wallowing in grief and obsessing with details but being able to accept and confront my grief is impossible at the moment.
Regards
Jobar

1 Like

I too had reason to question the lack of care & compassion to my darling husband as I tried to get help from staff when he had a catastrophic bleed at 6am in his hospital bed with me by his side. We also had dreadful support as we dealt with the shock of his resulting death. My complaint was investigated by the Trusts Patient Advice and Liaison Service (PALS). I was then invited to meet with the Snr Medics involved in his care. I went with my daughter and daughter in law, both nurses. It was a very revealing meeting, which ended with an agreement to address the failings in their end of life care and support to families. However, I was still concerned about areas discussed and took this up directly with the Trusts CEO. This resulted in an invitation to meet with her. I did, on the day the NHS celebrated its 50th anniversary. The outcome of our meeting was a commitment to improve end of life care, the support to family by effective training and monitoring. I agreed that personal experience could be anonymised and used. That is all I wanted, for no one else to have such a traumatic experience and suffer afterwards as I did. This was 2 years ago, an inspection last year confirmed they had indeed implemented changes and delivering quality end of life care nursing in a General Hospital.
I felt my ‘fight’ ended as I walked out of the meeting with the CEO., and I could start my grieving in peace :blue_heart:
My thoughts are with you and your family.

Dear SanW, thank you for your reply to my request for other people’s experiences regarding the lack of care shown to their loved one and how it affects the grieving process. I am so sorry to hear what you endured and I am very interested to note that you finish your message with the words that you could start your grieving in peace. We too have gone through the PALS service but despite being assigned a n investigating officer have not been contacted further. I would welcome a face to face with medical and admin staff who could assure me that what happened to my husband should never be repeated and that lessons have indeed been learned. That is my aim and until I achieve it I cannot begin to cope.
As you will sadly have discovered it’s an exhausting journey being undertaken for the saddest of reasons. There is ultimately no happy ending, but a preparation for the hard road ahead. Thank you again for your kind support and wishes.

1 Like
Back to top