Thanks Anastasia, got up this morning in a reasonable frame of mind but it has deteriorated, I have turned to my usual distractions of things that have to be done, feed the cat, ducks, tortoise etc. I have had one or two customers today, a pretty “normal” day as such and this may be the problem, today is turning into a very emotional day, I accept, I think that my wife is not here, I do believe her spirit is with me but I really miss her and the tears arrive, as you said it just arrives out of nowhere.
Swift,
I am in the early days compared to yourself but each day from nowhere the tears come in wave after wave then the disappear and return again following any reminder that she has gone.
Don’t really know how to stop this, don’t even know if I want to.
All I want is her back and I know this also cannot happen.
I’m not in control and just want the pain to reduce not stop as at that stage I will have lost the battle.
Steve, I am really sorry you are going through this, I don’t know you but I know what you are going through as all do on here, it is heartbreaking to read posts such as yours because it is distressing that we go through this.
The first days, weeks, months and sometimes even years are just unbelievable, some adjust earlier than others but you cannot predict a time line on this, like you I was distraught, I had times when the pain seemed out of control, there was no future, no point and I am sure there are many here who will admit to thinking about ending it all, I did, but I have an older daughter and I could not inflict that extra pain on her, I also know that my wife would have been as mad as hell!
The reason I am giving you my story is that I hope you can see parts that will help you, I am fortunate that I have a really good friend, having lost his wife, daughter and son had been through more than most of us, he was there for me when I was losing the plot, my daughter, bless her was very supportive although she was also grieving, she is single and I don’t think she understands it from our perspective, the other person who has been a great support was my wifes favourite brother (out of 6)… so first is try and get support from friends or relatives who can empathise with you, there may be others who have the best intentions but can be more of a hindrance than help, don’t be afraid to call on them when you can’t see your way forward. My friend told me, one hour, one day at a time, do not make decisions, ones where you have no choice try and think through very carefully, you could regret your decision in the future, in the very early days don’t try and plan the days ahead, just get through the one you are in, people often ask how are you managing, his answer is (and mine) I get up, I go to bed, if I am lucky I might eat in between. The waves of emotion, utter disbelief, pain, loss, loneliness and distress will keep visiting, as time goes on, almost imperceptibly , it gets a little less, a little less raw, you may well then feel guilty because you feel you shouldn’t be feeling a little bit better!
I found when these waves come crashing in it helped me by writing it all down, getting it onto paper sort of sorts the swirling turmoil going on in your head, I also realised I was constantly ruminating on the same things time and time again, it was almost as if I was either punishing myself or making myself feel worse because I felt I should be, if you find yourself doing this remember it is only making things worse and doesn’t help.
Plenty of rubbish tv, I guess like most people you may look at books etc on bereavement, I did and I found one that I felt was a real help, its on Amazon and is called “It’s ok that you are not ok” by Megan Devine, I then found this forum that has been a great source of comfort but it can also cause a lot of sadness and sometimes I feel I need to be away from it for a while or you can spend too long immersed in the really distressing situations that others are going through.
At first I didn’t want to spend my time at home alone so I escaped to my daughters but then I felt I needed to be at home and generally I am happier at home than anywhere else, at first it concerned me that I might become a hermit (always preferred to be on my own) but my good friend who is also a “hermit” said there is nothing wrong with being a hermit as long as you are a happy hermit. I think I am happier with this because, as per my previous posts, I do feel that my wife is still here with me.
As time goes on you do not forget, your feelings are still the same but you do adapt, you do learn to cope and things become a little easier and you can think of the one you have lost with a calmer love than just distress.
There is a very good post by Vancouver under “I told you I would look after you”
I hope this may be of a little help but please feel free to get back and keep posting on here - it really does help.
Take care, look after yourself and allow time to move forward.
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Swift,
Thanks for your kind response I will take onboard the advice offered, and I think you are correct I may spend some time away from this forum. And just try to calm myself down.
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@Steve123 Re the forum, I have found it of tremendous help so don’t be afraid to drop in, I have found that in your darkest moments it can be a real help to post, get it out in the open and others will come forward with advice, help and comfort, I have also found that when you are just going through a sad period, maybe a bit weepy that reading through all the sad posts can actually add to your down moment, that is just me, it will be completely different for others!
I have found the same with this site - sometimes its great being among those who you know just get what youre going through. But after a while, when you see more and more people joining and sharing often heartrending stories, i feel so helpless by the never ending stream of loss and i find myself at a loss what to say! You can walk around a shopping centre and everyone looks relatively “together” outwardly, yet there must be so many who behind the outer appearance are dealing with the loss of a loved one 
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