A view from the lost partner

This is my story ,dealing with the diagnosis, caring for the 3yrs she battled and then the heart ache of her passing.
I have wrote a good number of poems to reflect my feelings and traumatic events during this horrendous nightmare.
I hope in reading from start to finish you get some idea how important a smear test really is.


My partner and I were never prepared for what the specialist doctor said,
We hoped the chemo worked but dread to tell you that the cancer spread,
Our palative nurse tried to dull the pain,
But time after time it was bad news again,
I just had enough of the pain being raw,
My impulse was to punch the sitting room door,
I needed some space to digest the bad news,
My love of my life I was soon to lose,
How do you deal with such a dialema,
My love Cheryl will last for Ever and Ever.


The world is a cruel place,
That needs much respect,
As bad things can happen,
When you would least expect,
It comes as a shock,
Like a bolt out the blue,
Your life spirals down,
And what’s left is on you,
To pick up the pieces,
And somehow connect,
The pieces together,
Your new self respect.


Stage 4 cervical cancer,
Is what she had,
A long line of cancers but this one was bad,
It wasn’t by choice not to be picked,
I would rather it was not ,
Every problem it ticked,
It silently grows inch by inch,
Week after week pound by pound it will pinch,
When treatment begins,
You prepare for hard times,
Losing your beauty,
Eyebrows and hairline,
They are the side effects everyone knows,
It’s the ones that you don’t,
Your bowels when that goes,
A cathata in place,
But not doing its job,
A trip to the toilet is enough for a sob,
With such a short trip,
No control as to grip,
Every step forward ,
Much more than a drip,
The pain is intense,
Constant at that,
To watch as a partner,
And catch with the mat,
I can’t make it better,
I would swap all-day long,
For a human to go through this,
It’s morally so wrong,
But it was the normal,
The same for 3 years,
Slow to progress ,
But lived up to your fears,
I was there for my lover,
I look after her dear,
Her dignity out the window,
My help was sincere,
She began to pass out ,
If only for a second ,
It felt a lot longer ,
More than she reckons,
You need to take notice,
It’s as serious as hell,
This is a true story,
One I must tell,
A girl who had everything,
But lost a lot more,
Her ability to walk,
Everything else was so sore,
Please answer your invite,
And go for your smear,
Don’t live your life worrying,
Everyday in total fear.


My start in life was not round here,
Newcastle was my home,
But now I’ve spent 20yrs in washington where I roam,
Now I wonder what is left,
A hopeless future at its best,
A big part missing cruelly took,
Plucked from life with a baited hook,
20yrs and it ends this way,
With no one by my side today,
3years ago and all was fine,
A loving family spending time,
We had our problems all families do,
Without a challenge you won’t get through,
But one big problem had us beat,
Cervical cancer we had to greet,
The biggest upset was it’s stage,
The worst stage 4 was off the page,
We just knew it was so bad,
There was no magic spell we had,
So all I could do for my love,
Was go beyond and up above,
We were happy with what we had,
Our son still has his mam and dad,
The family bond worked well together,
It led us forward in life for ever,
When a problem came to light,
We managed to solve it and get it right,
The two of us we were a team,
So strong together it would seem,
We solved our problems we’d think it through,
As proud parents that’s what you do,
But that one day it all went wrong,
As the saying goes "it went Pete Tong ",
The nightmare started at the clinic,
Sat in reception with a look of panic,
Time stood still as the verdict was read,
All the results was everything you dread,
The feeling of real shock,
Never felt it before,
Such a kick in the face as we walked out the door,
That was the first of a catalogue of bad news,
It was now that the cancer would start to abuse,
Cheryl hung on and battled away,
But the cancer won over on the 5th of May.


Today my life has little meaning,
The hurt of loss is what I’m feeling,
Cheryl my love is why I’m grieving,
The cancer that was has got me seething,
The doctors advice was misconceiving,
All the meds she was receiving,
The second scan read she was achieving,
That turned out to be deceiving.
The end was near the cancer was showing,
Unknown to Cheryl her life was going,
Before I knew it my tears were flowing,
I said my goodbyes as her breath was slowing.
And then it stopped no more blowing,
My hurt for my love will always be growing,
A lot of close friends were left not knowing,
3yrs she suffered that’s 3years I’m owing.
What Cheryl taught us was to honour her passing,
If she saw us fools now she would dance about laughing,
Cause Cheryl was tough she did no complaining,
She got on with her life when it had little meaning.
Now she has left us where left with a hole,
Which can only be filled with her pain free sole.


It’s very strange by yourself,
in a home that meant so much,
My nights are weird I make no sense,
I’m speaking double Dutch.

What I mean ,I just can’t tell,
if only my head was clear
I keep most problems too myself
It’s a problem I do fear.

No wonder I feel so let down,
I thought I would cope well,
I really thought we would get through,
For Cheryl to ring that Bell.


I dread that day the 5th of May as my partner Cheryl passed away,
I find it hard that she has gone undeserved her death was wrong,
At 42 a life cut short,
I’de double that is what I thought,
She should have reached a ripe old age,
In her book i’de miss that page,
And add it to her younger days when life was dancing on the stage,
So why did she not have a say,
On when she’d reach her final day,
What made Cheryl’s death so sad,
Was cervical cancer that she had,
All you ladies take your smear,
Just missing one could cost you dear,
You lose the battle,
You lose what’s you,
And your dignity,
You lose that too.


I am lost I am lonely I am hurt to the core,
My life was fantastic but now that’s no more,
I’ve been left with a hole that no one can fill,
No woman has it all like my lost love Cheryl,
I feel I’ve been punished,
I feel life is so wrong,
A sentence of bereavement is a punishment to strong,
I may come out stronger and deal with the pain,
But one thing for sure I can’t go through this again.


Time has gone slow and I’ve lost the way,
Neglecting myself even more every day,
My confidence shot,
I don’t have much go,
I can’t build up my energy,
And make my blood flow.

I’ve lost my belief,
On a future undone,
It’s sad how it happened,
The loss of some one,
That some one was loved,
More than they knew,
Life now without them,
Is one I’ll get through,
But I need to recover,
And look out for our son,
Fill in what is missing,
That would be Cheryl “HIS MUM”


I wish I was a better man and lived a normal life,
It was not hard to be a gent,
And look after your wife.
I never married Cheryl like I said I would one day,
I wasn’t even any good to remember her birthday.
I had it all a future jam packed with lots of cheer,
I owe all that to one great girl cause Cheryl was sincere.
She planned all our adventures,
She never got it wrong,
Even when she was so ill she managed to stay strong.
Couped up in bed she never ceased to show her skills in planning,
Even if to ill to come she’d book a week caravaning.
It’s now she’s gone I find it hard to step into her shoes,
To even think of such a thing,
I know I would just lose.


The things we do,
We’re meant for you,
Your every touch,
I loved so much,
Places we went,
Made memories I’ve dreamt,
Fun we had,
Made me honoured and glad,
The love we share,
Made us the perfect pair,
Our time cut short,
Who would of thought,
From two now one,
It seems so wrong,
So things I do,
We’re best as two,
My every touch,
I miss so much,
Places i wont go,
I just say no,
I don’t have Fun,
Without your mum,
The love is there,
But it’s not to share.
Cervical cancer,
You can’t prepare.
To miss your smear,
I wouldn’t dare.


People say when loved ones pass,
That time is one good healer,
Well 8 months down that awful path,I’m still a non believer.
Everyday my thoughts get strong,
And one becomes a dreamer,
But the dreams don’t do what I want them to do,
"My love"I just can’t see her.
The path I take to help in grief just gets a little steeper.
If life does not improve from now,
My answer is to meet her.


My life is a circle,
Going round and round,
No end in sight,
And no answers found,
I’m stuck in a loop,
Going over again,
Each day should be different,
But the pain is the same,
I can’t make a break,
In the circle of doom,
I can’t take much more,
I haven’t the room,
I call out for help,
I desperately need,
To cut in this circle,
A normal life I could then lead.


I watch as time goes by,
With no great urge to try,
To make a move,
Or break a sweat,
I’m a lost heart broken guy.

“HOW” I wonder why,
A sudden urge to cry,
I see her image,
I loose a breath,
I’m a lost heart broken guy.

When will it feel so much better,
To smile like when I first met her,
Good times and bad,
A mixed bunch that we had,
I would sooner be writing a love letter.

Memories I want to remember,
God’s prayer I like to send her,
All is not good,
A mass change in mood,
The cancer is one big contender.

I can’t imagine my future,
A one I live without torture,
No one for a cuddle,
No one for a date,
I’ve lost my true love,
My only soul mate.


Every day is a simple reminder that love can’t be taken but cancer can find ye,
Families will lose mothers, fathers and brothers ,sisters and aunties ,Uncles and others,
But with one sad story there’s plenty that’s good,
With us it’s a long shot can’t help thinking it should,
Well it wasn’t to happen the cancer took hold,
But love got us through this in the story I’ve told.
I’m not cut out for all this sorrow,
If there was such a thing as days you could borrow,
I would grab a chunk 10months to be Frank,
And who would receive them?
My late partner POINT BLANK.


I am scarred I am damaged,
I live a life I try to manage ,
With little help and feeling needed,
Throw in the towel and it’s conceded,
I am down my life’s in trouble,
I have left that social bubble,
I won’t meet and I won’t greet,
A situation I’d overheat,
I feel safe if I take cover,
Some what like cuddles from my lover,
The draw back brings much pain,
Because lost feelings hit again,
It’s that that makes me crack,
Home comfort is what I lack,
So my partner who I lost,
Effects my future at a cost,
Therefore with loss there comes a change,
You are then forced to re arrange,
At my age this hits me more,
To make a change will be so slow,
Without the tears it won’t be done,
I call for strength and by the ton,
If not me it’s for my son,
As he also lost his mum,
Work Together we can achieve,
A moment where I pause the grieve,


I like to say the 5th of May was when my partner passed away,
Upto now a year has passed its got no easier it’s here to last.
It’s hard to think that she has gone,
It’s harder if you think it’s wrong,
At 42 her life’s cut short,
To double that is what I thought,
She’d easily reach that ripe old age,
To write her book ide miss that page.
And add it to her younger age ,
When life was dancing on the stage.
So why did she not have a say on,
When she’d reach her final day.
But what made cheryls death so sad was stage 4 cervical cancer she had.
So ladies take your smear when offered,
Cause Cheryl and I 3yrs we suffered.


My darkness has lifted my future looks clear,
Then one certain trigger,
My eyes shed a tear,
Then thoughts after thoughts,
It’s now all out of sorts,
Remembering the cancer,
3years that she fought.

My darkness has lifted my future looks clear,
Today’s been a good day,
Had nothing to fear,
Thoughts after thoughts,
Of good days we brought,
Remembering the past times,
But the futures un wrote.

So one day of darkness,
And one day it’s clear,
But there is no pattern,
There’s nothing comes clear,
To grieve for my loved one,
There’s no right way or wrong,
My ways to write,
A poem not a song.


The time I spend thinking,
Sending emotions sinking,
My head is all over the place,
So how do I cope ,
Climb up a steep slope,
And come out of the nightmare I’m in.

There’s no end in sight,
A story not right,
Is this the life I possess,
It would be nice for a break,
A new beginning to make,
And my future to be not such a mess.

It’s getting hold of a memory,
And use as a remedy,
To help and dull any pain,
To get on with that ,
I need strength to combat,
The darker thoughts plaguing my brain.


I deal with loss the best I can,
5th of May it all began,
My partner beaten ,
We were cruelly parted,
This is how my horror started,
Future life will mean so little,
Plans and hobbies play second fiddle,
Time for others I have not got,
I easily snap and lose the plot,
Two years of grief I’m still not coping,
I feel my brain is decomposing,
Life needs change that’s upto me,
To make my future that’s the key,
For me to open up new doors,
I use the key ,
And my strength grows,
At this moment I’m stuck in grief,
But what’s to come is such relief,
Grief has still a roll to play,
So future plans won’t start today.


I find that time is getting on,
And do I feel a change,
Just for a minute I must think,
My future re arranged.
I think of Cheryl every day,
I won’t lose that with time,
We shared to much together,
So them memories are all mine.
I need to know my future,
My life can’t end like this,
There’s got to be some good close by,
Bad memories I’ll gladly miss.


It’s still so hard to live a life without my partner Cheryl,
I feel I need to keep my wit’s as days can end in peril.
It’s hard to cope with life as one we both would help each other,
Problems solved and jobs we’d share without a hapenny of botha.
So without a pair and down to me life just isn’t the same,
The house our home our castle which was has lost our beautiful dame.
I have our son but he’s his own his future looks so bright,
I’m proud and grateful that Cheryls short life We managed to do it right,
It won’t be long before he leaves and makes his dreams come true,
It’s then I think my work is done and begin to live life to,
It won’t be easy it will be hard but I have to try my best,
I’ve suffered since my lover passed and it’s sure to be a test,
I’ve had a lot of outside help to guide me through the low,
It’s now my turn to show I’ve coped and grab it by the core.
I won’t get over what I saw it will be always there,
But life won’t always be that cruel and it really just shows I CARE.


I don’t expect my life to be the same as before that’s for all to see,
But I need to move on and cope with my loss,
The loss of my loved one the family boss,
Contracts and bills agreements and accounts, I need to change names and reckon up amounts,
So many hurdles, phone calls and texts,
Ticking lifes job list ,
What will come next,
My son lost his mother That’s something I’m not,
I will devote all my everything and become the job lot,
So life we move forward,
A new chapter we make,
Memories will stay with us which no one can take.


What is my purpose,
What is my dream,
Is life meant to hurt us,
Why is my life so mean.
Life is a test,
Life is a mission,
Life has no rest,
When you’ve lost your ambition.
Life is 10yrs in a HMP prison,
Life is to long when a loved one is missing,
Life can have hurt,
Life can be pain,
Life ain’t a cert,
Life is to blame,
My life is on hold,
My life is on ice,
My life so I’m told,
Is a roll of a dice.
Life can be fixed,
Turn your fortunes around,
You’ve lost your true love,
Happy memories you’ve found.


What come over me today,
Really low is all I’ll say,
Waking up late wrong side of bed,
That’s all rubbish as it’s all in my head.
It all leads back to that awful day,
My partner Cheryl passing away,
The hurt the pain the going insane ,
It’s all the mixed thoughts going on in my brain,
I’ve become a loner and socialising has gone,
Not mixing with others,
I’m now with no one.


Is it about time I turned a corner,
And mix with more friends and not be a loner.
Grow with confidence push myself harder,
Nourish my body with trips to the larder.
Walk with my dog who I call Dora,
She’s a French bull dog your gonna adore her.
Fill my day with plenty of action,
It’s a great motivator and a helpful distraction.
Feel better in myself and people would know,
I’m back to reality with a smile and a glow.
Not to forget a past life on pause,
3years of bad trauma the probable cause.
Bringing up the horrors I saw,
The death of my partner who I miss even more.
The mother of our son and a good one at that,
But it’s the time missed with louie and where his life’s at.
We had so much to do,
And places to see,
Grow old together and cuddle with me.
So hard to forget and realise its no more ,
I love you so much and that love will just grow.


Since my partner passed away,
Life has not been good,
Maybe it’s my state of mind,
To be misunderstood.
But many situations would be simply understood,
It’s when you know it’s where abouts,
What’s the like3lihood.
So many of my items have moved from where they were,
A lack of concentration,
Or a sneaky saboteur.
I don’t find it funny as it happens all the more,
It really gets my blood to boil,
And causes big uproar.
Some I find weeks later,
But some don’t reappear,
I also find that very strange,
If not a little queer.
Is my loving partner playing a little game,
And have a little giggle when someone else ide blame.


I’m looking forward to have my shave,
It’s not the thought of being brave,
I just feel the urge to do some good,
And hopefully help to lift my mood,
Macmillan helped through times of need,
My stories there for all to read,
They understand they help you cope,
With your life that’s hit a slope ,
Macmillan nurses stay with you through the toughest times that’s true,
But a charity comes with cost,
Without donations it will be lost.

Thankyou if you read all the way through.