A year of anniversaries

Our first anniversary was our son’s birthday, then we had Christmas, followed by my birthday on New Year’s Eve, our next first year anniversary will be Alan’s birthday, 5th February and I’m dreading it, in March we have a few more first year anniversaries, our daughter’s on 11th, our wedding anniversary on 30th (this year would have been our 51st), for me I’m still married to my beloved husband so it’s still my 51st wedding anniversary. We’ve a couple more first year anniversaries in aorim8, culminating in the first anniversary of when Alan left our home for the last time when I called 111 and he was admitted to hospital on 7th May, then his passing on 19th, followed by the first anniversary of his funeral on 30th May. Even after all these first anniversaries, he will remain in my heart forever. ☆

That’s a beautiful photograph of your beloved husband Alan…forever yours, x

I do so agree my Ron and I were married nearly 51 years when he left us. But we always said to each other that when one of us dies we are still married and I still love him so much , xx Carol xx

Hi DFay at a time,

I found that the first lot of anniversaries made me feel as if I was being ducked underwater again and again… and honey, yes, your 51st wedding anniversary is still your anniversary - it is the day you married your darling husband, and it can be celebrated as you see fit. I agree with Carol, I still feel very much married to my Ken (who passed two years ago after 28 years of marriage).

I’m so sorry that you’vre had to experience this loss.

Love

Louise xxoo

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Thank you Rainbow, it’s one of my favourite photos of him, and as you say… ‘forever yours’ (mine) . Blessings ☆

Thank you so much for understanding that I still want to cherish and honour our wedding anniversary, I’ve been met with lots of negative comments from some who really don’t understand because they’ve never been in the place we all find ourselves now. ☆

I’m going to celebrate our wedding anniversary in much the same way as I celebrated it most years, unless I actually remember this year. As I was a bit of a dead loss I just celebrated regularly incase it coincided with something. I didn’t need an excuse to celebrate.

Very much agree with rainbow what a lovely handsome man …xxx

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It just occurred to me that the best and most meaningful celebrations we had were when my wife was told she had a clear MRI scan, usually after weeks of waiting with the attendant scanxiety. Fortunately there were several days like that, spread across four years. Unfortunately there were some days that were unimaginably bleak when the news was truly frightening.

You and you’re lovely wife have been very brave throughout her illness, and you continue to carry her light within you, the one thing I feel thankful for in all that has happened in losing Alan was that he didn’t know how poorly he was, didn’t have to undergo numerous tests etc, when the outcome would still have been what it was. He was spared all that and for that alone I am truly truly grateful. It doesn’t make the pain any less nor does it make me happy, it gives me comfort to know he wasn’t alone in a hospital room, I was with him right until he left this world, Looking back into that thick dense fog, between us we filled that room with unconditional love and I was able to tell him so many things that will always hold a very special place in the depth of my heart, sorry, I’m getting all emotional.

When u thibk back to those last 3p minutes, I still get upset, but not as deeply lately, what I do feel though, is a tremendous sense of true unconditional love that I’ll carry with me for the rest if my days.

Sorry, I must have been thinking I was writing in my journal, yet shall not erase it.

Blessings ☆

You are so right. Taking comfort doesn’t necessarily mean that we feel any reduction in pain or that it could even counter the unhappiness. It’s very much a clutching at straws exercise at the moment but maybe over time the balance will change. A few days ago I was trying to construct a Force Field Analysis to just identify all the things on one side that were acting against me and on other side those that were acting for me… forces against and forces for. Over and over again the idea of my being grateful or just relieved about particular things came up on the positive side. On the negative side were mainly difficult memories, guilt over relatively minor things, fear of the future and the impact of being alone and loneliness.
The point of the exercise was to identify the positive for enhancement and to highlight those negatives that could be tackled. I didn’t throw it away but kept it to look at in a few weeks time to see if anything can be deleted… or even added.
Unfortunately there weren’t any obvious answers but it did set out the scale of the problem.
Maybe your thinking out loud and my thinking out loud will enable someone else to do the same. You’ve obviously triggered things in my mind there and that often helps to clarify things. Sometimes the speck of light becomes a bit brighter.

Yorkshire lad your post always make me feel a little better and more optimistic… your wife couldn’t have had a better person by her side … xx

Yes…I’m thinking…I have to be careful though, I zoom out on the negatives of the past and zoom in on the current (as if seen through a magnifying glass). I intended to restart my journal today, so I’ll keep these posts in mind…thank you, xx

If only that were true. I think I improved as I got older but part of my guilt and sadness is that I could have been a better husband and father. I don’t think I had much emotional intelligence when I was younger and I was too absorbed in work and my own selfish interests. I’ve got time, hopefully, to make it up to the kids and I’d like to think that I became a better husband as I got older and particularly more recently.
It tortures me to think that whilst she didn’t want for much in material terms there were other more important areas where I was found wanting. If only we knew then what we know now.

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