My Dad died suddenly and traumatically almost a year ago. I have been through a variety of feelings and lately I have been having sort of flash backs or visions of him in the hospital with all the lines and masks from CPR left on him. I can hear my Brother telling me as we frantically were trying to get to our car that Dad had morphine and he had seen him but he was gravely unwell and then the phone call In the car as he told me Dad had passed. I was in Scotland where I live my family are in the north of England so I wasn’t there in time. I have had some counselling but I didn’t and couldn’t continue as the counsellor was very young and inexperienced in life I found it patronising. I do sometimes feel angry and that never goes away. I have had anxiety and fear and tears that I miss him so much. I would just like to see him one more time and hug him to tell him I love him so much. He meant so much to me and my life hasn’t and won’t be the same. Our beautiful daughter is 3 and sometimes talks about Grandad. I’m heartbroken he never saw how wonderful and grown up she is now she is fully talking and I just feel sometimes a hollow person. I feel it is difficult to explain but there is an expectation usually from people that have never felt loss that after a certain time you get over things but I don’t think that’s true. You just keep going, it’s worse for me at night when everyone is asleep and I can’t get the image of Dad out of my mind to sleep or I wake up in a panic. I have had nice dreams about seeing Dad. I would like this time to pass so I feel less burdened by difficult memories but at the same time don’t want to wish my life away. My future husbands Dad also has terminal cancer so I am having to navigate the grief of expected loss where he has time to say goodbye and my own loss where I didn’t. I would like to find some peace in my heart.
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Hello @HanLucinda ,
I’m really sorry you’re facing such a difficult time. Losing your Dad so suddenly and traumatically, without having the chance to say goodbye, sounds incredibly painful. It’s understandable that you’re still struggling with these memories, the anger and the sadness, especially at night when everything feels harder.
Grief is deeply personal, and your feelings are valid. This community is here to support you, so please keep reaching out.
Alex
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