I lost my husband September 15th 2023. Its over a year and although i can see that ive made progress at the moment i feel like ive regressed. I feel very low, unmotivated, whats the point. Im functioning every day, i go to work, paint on the smile but it just feels wrong. I also feel so guilty that my son has got to live with this too. I cant always hide my grief and it just all seems do unfair. Ive started taking anti depressents again today. I havent had counselling because i feel like id just sit there and cry. I spend most of my time fighting it, trying not to think. Will it ever get better?
Hi @LinB - im so sorry for your loss. You are still relatively early in your grief journey, so i dont think its unusual to feel the way you do. Im just entering the 2nd year of losing my mum and i have zero motivation, and many dark moments and waves of grief. I think your penultimate sentence is key - you spend most of your time “fighting it”. I saw an interview online where someone explained you can run from grief, you can fill your days with distractions or work… but grief just sits and waits for you. Allowing yourself to feel all the emotions associated with grief is a natural and necessary process. “The only way to get through the pain…is to get through the pain” is another phrase thats really stuck with me. Its tough, but the tide of emotions need to be allowed to flow and if they dont, they just build up and find other ways to spill out, either emotionally or physically. Please dont worry about crying in front of a counsellor- they offer a safe space where you can cry/talk/scream - maybe things that you feel you cant do in front of your son? Your GP should be able to make a referral, or you can access counselling privately if you can afford it. It may also be worth exploring what bereavement support groups run in your local area? These can be a great way of meeting people in a similar situation and realising that you are not alone in how you’re feeling, as well as offering support to each other. Sending hugs and strength 
