A Year On...

A year ago my mum passed away, to me it seemed sudden and unexpected, only 3 days after my father passed away. Losing my mum and living without her is so hard. She was in her late 80s, had become frail, had dementia so it feels like I shouldn’t be sad, that I should be glad she passed away andwas to be expected. You know, at least she’s no longer suffering, people say. Except, she was settled and cared for in a home and despite her dementia we could hold normal conversations and the time we spent together in the last several months without her struggling with the day to day was precious and special and we reconnected. I hoped she’d be around for a little while longer. I saw her on her last day and she was still an energetic powerhouse when we were together, she passed away peacefully that night, I believe, to join my father. But there’s a huge space in my life where she once was. She was a big personality.

My closest brother almost died a day after my parents joint funeral from sudden heart failure and it was touch and go whether he’d survive for a while. He’s still recovering and recently had a pacemaker fitted, so at least he’s now stable.

I’ve also had other losses in the last year and a half. At the start of 2021, a good friend aged just 40 passed away after a sudden and short illness and I feel her absence. Then a couple of Facebook friends which I interacted with passed quickly from cancer, an old work colleague who I used to get along with really well also passed from cancer. Just a few weeks after my parents passed our 4.5 year old cat had to be pts suddenly due to previously undiagnosed acute heart failure which was absolutely devastating for both myself and my husband. With all the loss I’ve experienced I couldn’t/can’t differentiate one loss from another. I just feel shaken - even though it’s been a while.

My husband and I had to clear and sort my parents possessions this year in order to sell the house - my brothers wanted it done quickly. We tried to do this respectfully and carefully, keeping items of sentimental value or useful and offering many items to their friends. My other brother came up to help, but became abusive towards us and ignored my careful scheme and just binned loads of things which was really upsetting. Once he’d gone, we tried to go through some of what he’d thrown out. He and my father have always been difficult. My mother was my oasis that was always on my side within our difficult family. She was always there for me and to chat. And it’s the little things that I often miss the most like chatting about who you thought did the best dance on Strictly!


Hello @EllaA, thank you for starting this thread and sharing how you’re feeling. I’m so sorry for your losses; you’ve had an awful lot to try and process in such a short space of time. It sounds like you had a wonderful bond with your mum - many of our members will relate to what you say about missing the little things.

I can see that you’re new to the community so I wanted to share some resources which might be helpful:

  • Our Bereavement information pages
  • Our Online Bereavement Support, which includes our free online bereavement counselling which is held via video chat, our Grief Guide which has interactive tools to help you cope with grief, and Grief Coach, where you can receive personalised support via text

I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.

Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.

Take care,