A year on

One year passed last Saturday I’ve had my ups and downs but this week is the worst ever I don’t want to do anything go anywhere or talk to anyone I’ve started having panic attacks and the physical symptoms are awful My legs shake so much I can’t stand and my head feels as if it needs supported all the time, so I lie down What’s happening to me now I coped I cried I shouted but now it’s even worse Why Every day is a struggle I have great family support but all I want is what I can’t have My husband of 33 years Has anyone else had anxiety and panic I’ve never had this before and it’s scary Are they just another symptom of grief ? Will they go away ? Am I going backwards ? Do I need help ? I know we all grieve in different ways and at different times but this has hit me like a train ! I’m scared lonely and feel vulnerable as I guess lots of us do at this awful time But why has all this stared when I felt I was doing so well ? I know I’m lucky as some people have no one to support them but even so these feeling of dread what ifs and physical hurt won’t go away
It’s taken me almost half an hour in between crying to write this and in some ways it’s helped Sorry for going on when everyone here is suffering in their own way Thanks for listening Annamarie

I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
I don’t know why this has started now maybe because it’s a year since you lost your husband?
Have you thought about counselling it helps some people but not others.
I feel absolutely desperate when I think of losing my partner , like you all I want is him back and the life we had before back.I feel so alone now.

I hope you find the help you need, take care .Jx

Thank you for replying Dalejackie It nice to feel someone understands and im not going mad I tried counselling but in the early days Maybe try again Take care of yourself Annamarie x

Hello Annamarie61
No need to say sorry,you are not going on you are just expressing how you feel and you have every right to as we all do on here,I’m sorry you are having a bad time at the moment,grief really just seems to slap us in the face then ease a tiny bit then hits us again.I lost my husband 4 months ago suddenly ,he was 59 and we were married for 35years,I feel like you scared,lonely and vulnerable most days,I had bad anxiety yesterday,you will be doing well ,and you will feel stronger again,I’ve read about grief a lot lately and it is a rollercoaster of emotions,some days I think oh maybe I can survive this things will get easier,some days I’m a mess ,dragging myself through the day all the time thinking what’s the point,I have good support like you,but as you say you just want your husband back,I do too,but in my head and heart I know that’s not going to happen,but I believe I will be with him when I pass and until that day ,I will keep on going somehow,and hoping things will feel less heart breaking,you are surviving,you have got through the first year,you can get through the next,grief is exhausting and plays havoc with our health,I’ve lost a stone,and had heart palpitations ,I don’t sleep well,anxiety and panic are another symptom of grief,it’s good to write how you are feeling down on paper,I find it helps,I have written everyday in a notebook by the bed,exactly how I’m feeling ,sad,angry thoughts,I wrote a letter to my hubby telling him how I feel,just whatever comes into my head I write it,I really hope you have better days soon,and we all on here deserve that,take care x

Thank you so much for your reply You described a typical week Good days not so good and awful My husband was 59 and we were married 33 years Grief is as you say a roller coaster but one we can’t get off Writing down how you feel is good I’ll try it to see if it release any tension and anxiety I’m sorry you’re not too good either but maybe in time things will be easier to manage Let’s hope so anyway My thoughts are with anyone without family and friends support It’s hard enough with the children and grandchildren but with no one it must be awful You take care and once again thank you x

Thank you for thinking of those of us without support. I don’t know how I’d have been otherwise but I do believe that after four months any ‘recovery’ would be held back by being isolated, without family or close friends in regular contact and nobody else who shares the grief.
I lost my partner suddenly and unexpectedly in February. Despite his illness (he had been diagnosed with advanced cancer in late October) he had been doing well one he started chemotherapy and started to eat properly again and be well enough to do things. When he died it was rapid and sudden, due to a catastrophic complication and it was the biggest, saddest and most traumatic thing I’ve ever known, no time to prepare for it as I’d thought with the nature of his illness and so soon.
I had known and loved Brent for many years but we only got together in the last three years after his marital separation. We had planned to marry next year (the first time for me, at 64) but then he suddenly became very ill late last summer and after that we were focused on getting him through it all. When he died his family took over, treated me as, at best, his carer, and I lost everything. As well as having Brent ripped away I lost all that we shared and put together and planned the day after his funeral.
I still torment myself with images I’ll never have again: the most beautiful garden ever, now in bloom, (it was covered in snow the day I had to leave), his clothes still hanging in the wardrobe, Brent sitting at the table we shared, sitting reading the paper in the orangery he loved and had built and everything else that a home can hold. Towering over all that is the loss of Brent himself and I don’t believe I can ever live again and although I have tried to do the right things I simply don’t think I want to. LynnHx

Hi Annamarie

Just wanted to say I understand. I had panic attacks in the past and you feel like you are loosing you grip on reality. They are so scary.

Things that helped me were reading books on anxiety, yoga, talking, swimming and generally being less hard on myself. You’ve been on such a journey and the panic attacks are a wake up call that you need to be super kind and patient with yourself. They can and will pass.

Ann xxx

Hello AnnaMarie
I hope you are feeling a little better today.
What you are experiencing is as normal as anything else on this journey and should settle down a little if you accept that it’s just another of grief’s horrid reminders that it is always sitting on our shoulders. Anniversaries are difficult to navigate and sometimes we do go backwards before we can stabilise ourselves again.
Grief will always be a part of who we now are…people talk about moving on and we all develop our own coping strategies but we are actually moving in a new direction rather than forging ahead on the old path and it takes a lot of conscious effort and hope to walk with our loved one in our hearts rather than walking beside us…somehow we seem to find the strength to keep putting one foot in front of the other and get through the days we have been given…try to be kind to yourself and know that everyone one of us on this site understands and cares X

Thank you so much for caring I feel a bit better today and your response has lifted me even more I will try to walk with Gerry in my heart and not by my side and get through the days whatever they bring Your response just re confirmed for me that unless you’ve been there you really don’t understand what it’s like You clearly do understand and I hope you are healing too Thank you and lots of hugs Annamarie

Thank you I realised I hadn’t replied and you were so kind to put my mind at ease Grief is horrid and none of us seem to respond in the same way Your kindness and thoughts on how I’m reacting made me feel better I’m not going mad then ? I’ll try some of your suggestions You must be hurting too so my thoughts are with you Take care and be kind to yourself Annamarie