A Year On

Hello everyone, It is just two days after the first Anniversary since my lovely husband died. I’ve written in other threads over the past year, and just wondered how others felt after the first Anniversary. My main thought is that it is hard to believe that I have lived a whole year without my dear husband. In the hope that it helps others, I can say I have found that I have coped. Yes, I have had many sad moments, during the past year, have tried to put a brave face on and do positive activities like going out to meet people in groups that I have joined, even though I have not felt like going. However, on the whole, I’ve felt better for making the effort. So I say to those who maybe struggling at the moment, do press on, follow those positive thoughts and intentions, however hard, you will feel better in the end. I know the next year will present further hurdles to overcome, as life will never be the same without my beloved husband. However, I know he would want me to carry on and find contentment in life. Some friends have been supportive and understood how I have felt, others assume that I’m back to ‘normal’ now! Getting used to running one’s home for just oneself is a huge change, cooking meals just for yourself instead of happily cooking for two! I’m getting better at waking happily to face another day, other times I’m saddened with the realisation that I’m on my own - unless I do something about it! With my husband would take off, on the spur of the moment, for a ride in our car into the countryside, or the coast, or just for a local stroll enjoying each other’s company. I still drive, but there is no point in doing those sort of trips non my own, so I now take a friend who also appreciates a change of scene, and we both enjoy the puting. I can say that life can and does go on. Best wishes to all in this ‘new’ way of life in which we find ourselves. Deidrie

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Hello Deidre,

Thank you for sharing your experience of reaching the first anniversary with us. Your hopeful and supportive outlook is really lovely to read.

I wish you all the best in your ‘new’ way of life.

Take care,
Eleanor

Hi Deidre. I was so pleased to find your post. I am approaching the one year anniversary of losing my husband and up until recently I felt I wasn’t coping much better than in the early days despite reading so much and seeking help. In reality just getting through each day is a success and I’m sure we who are grieving are not kind enough to ourselves because things are just messed up, life is empty and stressful.
I have recently moved to a new town where I don’t know anyone. Today I felt up to making an effort to get out and meet some new people. I’m so pleased I did and I feel that in time this glimpse of hope comes.
While it’s good to cry and give yourself time and space to grieve, there comes a time when you need to look past yourself to heal yourself and seek that support. This can only happen when you’re ready to do this. You’re not sticking to anyone elses agenda here.
I hope this might help someone who’s struggling tonight. Hold on, take it steady, keep occupied but take time to grieve, to heal.
Sleep well all. Annette. X

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I too am now four days after the first anniversary of the death of my husband.
I think I found it really difficult until just after the Christmas, then suddenly I became aware that my horrid moments were getting shorter, that I was looking a little more on what I wanted to do with my life now.
On his anniversary I put on a luncheon for all his ‘doggy’ friends from the park and also our immediate neighbours, it went really well and so instead of it being a non-day it was a nice, pleasant day shared with friends, I know my husband would have loved it.
I miss him dreadfully, but I have to go on as there’s no other way and dare I say it - there are moments when living on one’s own has it’s good points. I can now organise myself in the most disorganised ways, I can sit a while in silence and rest. Nursing him for five years and latterly, day and night completely wore me out. I hate admitting that, but it is true… Don’t ask me if I would do it again if he were here!!!
Cooking for one is truly boring and most times I don’t bother. Today I joined a gym how long the interest will last I don’t care and I’m not really bothered, but it is another move in my changed life, one I may thoroughtly enjoy or else I’ll try something else.
Like you Deidre I am surprised that a whole year has pasted, I’ve lived through it and survived!
I too make an effort to go out and met with people, getting out is really difficult but I’m always pleased after I’ve done it, but the pull to stay in is enormous at times.
To all of you I never thought I could be where I am, yes I have terrible moments, days I cancel whatever I’m doing and moments when I sit and stare or start to cry, but it is getting a little easier and I hope it will for all of you.

Gogs

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Hi Annette, Thank you so much for your lovely reply. So glad that you are coping as well as is possible at the time of the anniversary of losing your husband. Well done at moving to a new town, and going out to meet people and start your ‘new’ life. Sounds as if many of us using this site have similar experiences, so can understand well each others feelings. My very best wishes to you Annette. Deidre

Hello Gogs and All facing first Anniversary of losing one’s husband. So pleased you managed a pleasant day, Gogs. How lovely to invite your late husband’s ‘doggy’ friends in, together with neighbours on the actual day. I did a similar thing on the recent occasion of what would have been our sixtieth Wedding Anniversary. On the actual date I was due to go along to a local Craft and Natter group that I have joined, held in our Church hall. It is so pleasant to join these happy people knitting, sewing, rug making and doing plenty of nattering, too! I was a little hesitant as to whether to mention that it was a ‘special’ day for me. However, I felt I could not just sit there and not say anything about such a day. So when all of us had our crafts out and in progress I produced sweets, chocolates and biscuits to be passed round and shared with a cup of coffee, telling the ladies, and one gentleman, that it was sixty years since our wedding day,and also passed round a photograph of our wedding group. There was much interest in the picture, which is in black and white, and although it was only two weeks before my husband’s anniversary of his death, the discussion was so happy and reminiscent for not only myself, but for all there. I was so glad I went to the gathering, as shared my happy memory. You, and All others struggling with the loss of our beloved partners need to make the most of good days, in whichever way you can. Keep on trying to make your days happy, it is what our husband’s would wish for us. My best wishes to all on this site. Diedre.

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I too faced the first anniversary on 20/3, lost my husband 2 weeks after a diagnosis of terminal cancer. I realised that I needed help to deal with the how I coped, I knew I would relive the whole situation. I was so fortunate to seek support from the sites online bereavement counselling service. It helped me so much. It made me realise everything I’d faced in this year was part of how we survive losing a partner and yes, from somewhere I had found strength and could face the challenges of being on my own. We were together for 47 years, met aged 16 & 19 and basically grew up together. I still feel Jimmy is close by. I know he will be proud of me, I am only now allowing myself to feel proud. I put my brave face on too Deidrie, made myself do things when it would have been easy to cancel plans. Really can relate to your experience and that helps. It is a new life, not one of choice, but we will indeed find ourselves

Well done for organising a doggie day with friends. I decided to approach my husband’s golf club, it was his 2nd love! Organised a buffet lunch and invited his golf buddies and their partners, my close friends who had been by my side this year. The flag was lowered by the club, a lovely notice posted for members to see and a lovely shrub will be placed in the grounds in his memory. We sat and chatted looking out on the course. A truly lovely day.

How absolutely wonderful SanW and I’m so pleased for you that the day went well.
Strangely though for me these past few days after the anniversary have been some of my blackest - nothing on show of course. I have just arranged my week to see as few as possible.
I have had a couple of unhelpful incidents and whereas I might have shrugged them off before Harry died, now it is different, I am sensitive, even raw in places and I cannot easily let go of things that ‘wound’ me, still I can feel the sap rising again, so I’m guessing those days are passing by into history.
I met someone recently who had lost their partner six years ago and she was still struggling, I felt sorry for her, but when I thought about it later it was as if I was meant to meet her because it reminded me of how well I was doing, a lot of the time I think I’m not doing as well as I should be…
SanW it was lovely reading about your special day, I’m so glad because it made you happy as well.

Gogs x

How absolutely wonderful SanW and I’m so pleased for you that the day went well.
Strangely though for me these past few days after the anniversary have been some of my blackest - nothing on show of course. I have just arranged my week to see as few as possible.
I have had a couple of unhelpful incidents and whereas I might have shrugged them off before Harry died, now it is different, I am sensitive, even raw in places and I cannot easily let go of things that ‘wound’ me, still I can feel the sap rising again, so I’m guessing those days are passing by into history.
I met someone recently who had lost their partner six years ago and she was still struggling, I felt sorry for her, but when I thought about it later it was as if I was meant to meet her because it reminded me of how well I was doing, a lot of the time I think I’m not doing as well as I should be…
SanW it was lovely reading about your special day, I’m so glad because it made you happy as well.

Gogs x

Hello SanW, I am so pleased you found my post helpful and could relate to my experience. Well done at putting a brave face on, and coping. Coping with our loss is not easy, as those of us on this site know only too well. As it is now a year since my beloved husband died, I realise there may still be days when I will have to brave it, and make myself go out. However, with the memories of the wonderful years with my husband, in my thoughts, I will continue to cope, as he would expect me to. Keep reading this site and write when you feel the need. We are all here for you. Sincere best wishes, Deidre

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