About to lose my other parent

Losing a parent
1

I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to keep on breathing.

I’m 45, 46 in a couple of days and mum has signed a DNR. I’m crushed. I feel like my insides are being ripped out.

I lost my dad at 34 when I was pregnant. We had a terrible relationship but got closer when my marriage broke down and I faced pregnancy alone. It was dad I spoke to in the middle of the night shivering in pain, alone and scared. I got together with my best friend 6 weeks post birth, 4 weeks after being told my dad had 2 week to live. He fought on for 9 months. By which point I was pregnant with my second. The week before my dad died, my best friend/my partner beat me with my young child in my arms and I was 17/18 weeks pregnant. My dad died a week later. I’ve carried that pain and guilt for nearly 12 years.

5 years after dad died mum got diagnosed with cancer, from the word go she was a nightmare, walking out of appointments, being obstructive, you name it. After that every year something major happened with her health. She had her second cancer removed last year, right while my relationship was breaking down. It’s been 7 years of something major happening with mums health. I am going through quite literally the most horrific, complicated, nastiest breakup and I have no-one. Dad is dead. Mum has signed a DNR and will die soon, I have 2 pre-teens that are struggling to cope with the post separation abuse and now they’re about to lose my last family member.

One child has been full on and a handful with the breakup and everyday is a battle. I can’t breathe. My job went in to administration, my eldest is refusing to go to school, the legal abuse from my ex is at boiling point and my mum is about to die.

I don’t know how I am meant to carry on and breath. I am broken. I just want this nightmare to end. I don’t know how to cope with this pain and shield my children from what I know is coming. The pain of losing one parent was unbearable, now to lose the other.

I am grieving what they both were not. They were not good parents, my dad only became good in the end. I never felt loved or wanted growing up. I feel like I’m breaking my children and am going to harm them more as they’re going to witness me when I lose my mum, and there is no one to help me stand.

I don’t know how to get through this. I’m on SSRI’s, the highest dose but right now I can’t cope and have barely coped for the past year

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Dear SuffolkMum I am so sorry to hear about your life, what I find the hardest to hear is what your partner has done to you. Hitting a woman is abhorrent but a pregnant woman with a child is just so evil it seems impossible that someone can live with themselves after such an act. I think you should find help for you and your children, don’t take no for an answer insist there has to be help available. I’m sure the moderator here will supply you with information but what ever happens you know what your children need, the same as you once needed from your father. I hope you find the strength to pull through and keep the bond you have with your children.

Wishing all the best

Tom

:hugs: :hugs:

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Dear @SuffolkMum

I’m so sorry you’ve been going through such a difficult time, and over such a long time. A lot of loss. Noticing your name “Suffolk Mum” on here I was thinking maybe there’s a local community that could provide some support for you. I had a quick look and came across this: Home Start in Suffolk - you may have heard of it.

If they’re not for you, they may be able to offer other suggestions.

Sending you my best wishes. :hugs:

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Hello @SuffolkMum,

I’m so incredibly sorry to hear about everything you’ve been through. It sounds like you’re dealing with an overwhelming amount of pain, loss and pressure all at once, and it’s completely understandable that you’re struggling to cope and feeling broken.

It sounds like you’re trying to hold everything together for your children after going through so much with the loss of your dad, your mum’s illness, your relationship breakdown, the abuse that you’ve experienced and the situation with your children. You don’t have to hold all of this on your own, and you deserve support and care.

As well as speaking to your GP, the Samaritans are available 24/7 if you’re particularly struggling to cope or need someone to talk to in confidence. You can call them on 116 123.

As you mentioned abuse, you may also find it helpful to call the National Domestic Abuse Helpline run by Refuge, on 0808 2000 247 (this is available 24 hours a day). They can offer confidential support and guidance.

We also have information on how to support children dealing with grief. However, it is important that you also have support for yourself too.

You’re not alone, and if you feel able to, please keep sharing. We’re here to listen and support you :blue_heart:

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