Hi. I am new so forgive me if I don’t get things quite right. My 31 year old daughter died last year and I am heading towards her 1st anniversary next week. I lost my mum to cancer when I was 19 and I thought that was hard but I can honestly say I have never felt pain like this. Along with the pain I feel huge amounts of guilt and regret. Her death came after 10 weeks in hospital but was still totally unexpected, I always truly believed that she would get better. She had an addiction to alcohol which turned out to be worse than I had ever known about. I previously new that she struggled with alcohol but was told that she was going to see the we are with you team. My husband and I believed that she was beginning to deal with her alcohol addiction, she never appeared to be drunk but little did we know. Four days before she died was my birthday and I was out having high tea with friends. I had no idea at that point that she was dying but no matter how many people remind me of that it doesn’t stop my feelings of guilt that I was out “living it up” instead of being by my daughters side when she needed me most. Next week is my birthday and I have absolutely no interest in it and if I could I would sleep the day away, how can I celebrate the day I let my girl down. As if my situation couldn’t get any worse she had a 6 year old at the time who now lives with us. She has been absolutely amazing through it all but I cannot be who I want to be anymore. Most days I don’t want to leave the house but I do because I have a full time job and the little one has school. Most of the time i feel nothing my pain and sadness but cannot cry in front of a little one who is being so brave. My life is no longer my own, there is no time for me to be me or to just sit and cry as my
Life is full on as a parent in their 50s. My mind is constantly going through all the memories of those 10 weeks and the events of that day that led up to her waiting until I left for 30 minutes to die alone. The only thing that keeps me on this earth is the little one.
Hello @Vanessa4 ,
I’m part of the Online Community team and I can see that you are new to the community - I’d like to thank you for bravely starting this thread and sharing yours and your daughter’s story. I’m so sorry to hear about the loss of your daughter and your feelings of grief and guilt, that must be so hard for you. Most community members have sadly experienced the death of a loved one and so will understand some of what you are going through.
You may also find the following Sue Ryder resources helpful:
- Our Bereavement information pages
- Our Online Bereavement Support, which includes our free online bereavement counselling which is held via video chat, our Grief Guide which has interactive tools to help you cope with grief, and Grief Coach, where you can receive personalised support via text
I really hope you find the community helpful and a good source of support and I also hope you feel you can access more support should you need it.
Thank you again for sharing – please keep reaching out and know that you are not alone.
Take care,
Alex
Hello Vanessa - It is so sad that not only do we have to experience the horror of loosing our children, but also this ongoing guilt that is so soul destroying. I see that the anniversary of your daughters death is coming up and will bring the memories and minute details back .It is a difficult time and we just have to get through it. My story has a similar theme when it comes to alcahol problems. .My son Jonny had damaged his body over the years but was coping qujte well. He had come home to live with me years ago and we had a good frienship. I called him my sweet boy which he did not like so much but he was affectionate and loving and I miss that. His big brothet died last september and jonnie could not cope, he started drinking secretly and over a few weeks became unwell.He went to hospital for some blood tests and died 4 days later.I was not with him they did not tell me he was dying. I have like you Vanessa been in the place of guilt where nothing good comes from it except self hatred and loss of oneself. At some point I think we have to take on board what we probably have been told by others, that our children are no longer suffering and that we accept that they are at peace. I try these days to cry because i miss them and to try and move away from the time before they died and how they died because that is the trauma of it, and our children are no longer there but we stilll circle around it,maybe hoping that if we had done things differently we could have changed the ending. I do have a lot of respect for you now being a full time worker and grandma to your lovely grandchild. I am sending you the hope of peace and respite from these awful thoughts. You did everything you could and still are. Bless you and your family. Also lots of people on here who can support you with your loss.jxx
Hello Vanessa4. I am so sorry to hear all that has happened. I lost my daughter of 39 in January. I didn’t really know lots of things about her lifestyle and some of the things I’ve learned since she died are upsetting to hear. You are being very strong to look after the little one and keeping on going despite the overwhelming loss. You are doing the right thing by your daughter and the little one. That takes love and strength. I have had a lot of support from Compassionate Friends as well as from this lovely website and through them I have met others going through this total heartbreak. I felt alone and desperate and don’t know how I kept breathing in the early days. Things can never be as they were but over time things can improve. I call them chinks of light. When you realise that you have actually enjoyed watching the telly for half an hour for example. Slowly, slowly some of the pleasures I took for granted, but disappeared when my girl died, are starting to come back. Just glimmers, but it’s a start. I’ve got this far by taking it a day (or an hour) at a time. In my worst moments I remind myself to just keep on keeping on. I send you my kindest thoughts and respect and I hope you keep posting, there’s always someone to talk to for support and understanding. Take care of yourself. Xxxx
I feel your pain, & how you feel. my youngest daughter that passed away suddenly was also a alcholic we are still waiting her results, I was away on holiday when I got the call from my eldest daughter followed by a call from the police… she passed 2 days before my birthday.I feel so guilty too… sleeping can be so difficult such as tonight. I lost my mum just 19 months before to covid, which was hard, but this pain I have for the loss of my daughter is heartbreaking she leaves 3 children, 15, 10 & 8…I have to try to be strong for them & my other 3 children, I don’t want to do Xmas. It should have been me not my child…morning are the worse time… I just want her back…
Losing my daughter is by far the worst pain I have ever felt. I’ve, like most people, lost family and friends over the years. Losing your child, no matter their age is utterly devastating and overwhelming. Nothing makes sense and there’s isolation, fear, guilt,anger etc, etc. everyone on here feels it. This place really does help and somehow, sometime finding the strength to be kind to ourselves and to know that we deserve some peace. Slowly, slowly things can improve. Xxxx
@Maryg11 I am so sorry for your loss and I completely understand you not wanting to do Xmas as I was the same last year as it was only 2 months after she died. It took every ounce of strength that I had just to function yet knew I had to for my grand daughter just as you have to for your family. Watching the little one open her presents and enjoying herself did give me some relief from the pain albeit not much. Just do what you can and take it hour by hour. Just like you, I also just want my daughter back but I would only want her to come back as the lovely, happy girl I once knew and not the girl in the deep dark hole who relied so much on alcohol to escape her existence. Xx
@Nell2 I am so sorry for your loss my lovely. I totally agree with you, I have never felt pain like this before. Like you say I have lost many people over the years and whilst losing some of them has been painful there is simply no comparison to this. I know that I will never ever be the same again and I struggle to find any happiness. I am very slowly trying to work through all of those emotions you mentioned and it is hard but we will get there xx
@Jenna. Thank you so much for your kind words and I am sorry that you have suffered the loss of your son. Your story is so similar to mine with not being there and not being told she was dying. Had they called me that morning I could have been there with her and that would at least have taken away a small part of the guilt I feel. Joining this group has been a god send and whilst I am heartbroken that so many of us are feeling this pain I am grateful that I have somewhere that I can come and talk to people who truly do understand what I am going through and voice my thoughts without judgement xx
Thank you for your reply, and speaking to someone who know the feeling so well of losing a child does help…
I didn’t think it was possible to feel so bad in the early days and I didn’t realise that the overwhelming devastating feelings are ‘normal’. I thought I was just going mad. This place shows how normal these feelings are, we all seem to be having them! We can’t rush the grieving but it definitely helps to share with others who are grieving too. Sending hugs xxxx
I seem to be so forgetful & names of the simple things, my heads a shed if you know what I mean 
@Maryg11 I know exactly what u mean. Surviving each day is what matters my lovely. Keep living in the hope that as each day passes the pain will ease. Im sure it will never go away but it’s the thought that one day I can live a day in some sort of peace that keeps me going xx