I’m sleeping badly it seems to be getting worse as we near Xmas, it’s four months and soon I’ll be interring my husbands ashes I lost my mum also in January to cancer and am now realising neither my husband or my mum are ever coming back I yearn for my husband and listen to enya every night before I go to sleep but now today the lyrics don’t make sense and maybe I am accepting more that I’ll never see either of them again it’s heartbreaking but I feel very calm and desperately sad and know this is it and all it will ever be now for me, I need to get through Xmas especially for my little grandson and start to think about what am I going to do, it’s scary out there but just thought I would share with you all my profound moment, knowing grief it may
change again and I could be a blubbering mess by lunchtime, thinking if everyone xx
I am sorry your feelings are getting worse as we near Christmas, It must be hard for you with having lost your mum , lack of sleep really takes it toil on us. We are both lucky to have children and grandchildren to help keep us going.
I can relate to all you have said, especially the calm yet sadness, it’s 5 mths today for me, so we are both still in the early stages, I have my husbands ashes at home with me, they will stay with me until its my time to join him then we will go together, family know all our wishes.
Last weekend was my worst, I don’t know why, but it was, then on the Monday somthing just seemed to shift, I think it was like you acceptance,
I have cried every day, and still do, but its not as many times throughout the day, its over quicker too, I do still have a massive feeling of sadness and miss my husband so much, but I’m now able to function more, I keep him with me in all I do, talk to him, but now I can recall things and laugh too,
it’s a move forward, because I know we may never move on. But its better than those first agonising days, those first weeks of unbearable pain, still one day at a time, I may slip now and again, it’s a very slippery path we are on, but I know my husband will hold out his hand help me up and on we shall go,
The future without them at our sides is a very scary one, I try to get through one thing at a time, at the moment that’s Christmas, as it’s my first one, without him, I have said I’d like to stay at home alone, family are understanding of my wishes, then first week into the new year is our wedding anniversary, then following week my husbands birthday , so I can’t even think about anything past all these firsts.
Thank you for sharing your profound moment, It prompted me into writing , this site is great for off loading, no matter how good family and friends are it’s better when someone really knows and understands how you are feeling what a painful life we are now living, even through the smiles painted on our faces,
I hope when we do have moments we are blubbering messes on the kitchen floor that we realise we can get up and carry on again.
Wishing you all the best along your acceptance journey,
Take care, hugs Chrissy3