hey guys my names ashlie, i was told to come here for support so thats what im going to try to do. im 19 years old and for 9 years of my life my dad has struggled with addiction to drugs, whilst my mums struggled with alcohol for 6, ive tried to do everything i can to get him and her better and always questioned why i wasnt enough to make him want to get better. ive struggled with my own mental health for 5 years, previous overdoses/suicide attempts, self harming, taking drugs and heavily drinking, all at 14 years old, i bettered myself by 15 and then fell pregnant at 17 with my daughter, throughout all of that my dad as my biggest help he tried everything he could to be there for me but addiction put that block on it, i still remember how brilliant he was as a dad when i was a child and how he worshiped the ground i walked on until that changed to drugs. the drugs ruined my dads health severely and caused him to have copd which worsened over time, he then got very unwell about a month ago and was in hospital and was told he had 48 hours to live and that’s if the antibiotics didn’t work which they did end up working and my dad was discharged from hospital 4 days later, he then came out and started using straight away, we had a fall out over it and i was very angry, i suffer with bpd so where i get upset it comes out in anger, my dad sorted things out with me and then passed away the next day but never ever in my life have i seen that man look more at peace, i had to see him i couldn’t not because i had all sorts of things going through my mind but he had some sort of a smile on his face, i really miss my dad and i still need my dad, i know im a parent but im still young myself and he is my bestfriend and i dont want to let go and say goodbye, his funeral is coming up and im scared to say goodbye. i’m also not getting any type of support of my mother or most of my family except for my partner and my cousin and auntie 
i just don’t know how i’m going to push back all previous things i ran too in this difficult situation and im scared for myself too
Hi @ashlie,
I am so sorry for the loss of your dad. Many of our members have experienced the death of a parent and will understand some of what you are going through. I really hope you find the community to be a support to you.
It sounds like you’ve been carrying a huge amount for a long time, from supporting both parents through addiction and the impact of this, managing your own mental health challenges, becoming a parent yourself, and now coping with your dad’s death.
Losing a parent is devastating, and losing them to an addiction can bring with it a range of complex feelings as part of our grieving. It may help to connect with others who have been there too.
We also have a Loss as a young adult category, if you’d like to connect with other young people who are bereaved.
- Adfam provides information and support for families affected by substance use
- BEAD (Bereaved through Alcohol and Drugs) Project is a website produced by Adfam and Cruse drawing together stories and practical and emotional support information. Find out more at beadproject.org.uk
I’d also encourage you to reach out to the Samaritans or call NHS 111 and select option 2 (urgent mental health support) if you’re finding things particularly overwhelming.
Please keep reaching out - you are not alone 
Take care,
Harriet