Hi,
I lost my husband suddenly 4 months ago to a heart attack. My son and I tried to save him but there was nothing we could do.
I had to break the news to my 11 years daughter who was her daddy’s princess. As you can imagine this was devastating on its own.
I’m looking for advice. My son is 14 & daughter 11 both don’t mention their dad at all. I talk about him to friends and family when I can. We were happily married for 19 years next month and very much in love. It breaks my heart the children don’t mention him and when I mention anything about him in front of my daughter she freezes, so I have stopped bringing him up. I have suggested to them both about going to sessions via Richmond Hope but they are both against talking to anyone about their dad. I don’t know if I just have to give it more time and hope they can talk about him again.
My son witnessed his dad pass with myself & he acted quick to start cpr. I am traumatised by this so I am sure he must be. He refuses to talk to anyone about what happened. I worry this will affect them both further down the line if they don’t open up.
Any advice would be good.
Thank you
Hi @Andi07
I can’t give you any advice about you and your young children. I can only tell you what has helped me .
I also lost my husband suddenly to a heart attack. He was 64 and we had been married 36 years . Losing someone one like that is so hard the shock. And witnesses cpr is really difficult.I had flashbacks for quite a long time . I had counselling which helped me as I could say how I really felt without upsetting my family. My grandson was very close to his grandad and his school work suffered. With the help and support of his school he did a memory box which helped him. My grandchildren don’t often talk about their grandad but sometimes they will and that’s when we talk about their memories. All this happened 10 months ago . Look after yourself.
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Hi @Sherbet10
Sorry for your loss.
I think going forward if they mention their dad I will take it from there. It’s the worry of upsetting them when it’s still so early and we are just muddling through.
I do find surrounding ourselves with others a help but then when the quiet days come the emotions come much stronger.
A memory box is a lovely idea. I did make photo books for my husband’s funeral to share our memories but those first weeks and first few months were a daze and an autopilot like state. I can’t bring myself to look through them now but in time I hope I can with the kids.
Thanks for your reply
A x
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Hi @Andi07,
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband, and for everything you and your children have been through.
Thank you for reaching out and sharing this with the community. Children and young people can respond to grief in different ways, and it’s completely understandable to be worried about how they’re coping, particularly after the sudden and traumatic loss of your husband.
I just wanted to let you know that we have some information on supporting bereaved children and young people which you might find helpful:
@Sherbet10’s idea about introducing them to a memory box is a great idea. I hope the replies from other members continue to be helpful too, and please do keep posting whenever you need support.
Take care 
Harriet
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Hi @Andi07
It not really my thing
I know you can also get memory bears made from clothes. Perhaps the time isn’t right now . Maybe in the future at some point.
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Hi @Andi07
We are all different I know
I still can’t look at photos of my husband
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So sorry to read about your loss. I’m reaching out in a similar situation my son is 5, We found his Daddy unresponsive in bed and I carried out cpr. My son was present and opened the door to the emergency services. I’m so sorry for you children. I understand the pain of wanting to protect your family from all the hurt but being helpless to do so. I’d give anything to change what happened that morning to protect my son from this.
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I’m sorry my reply isint really very helpful in terms of advice… I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone in this situation. 4 months really isint very long at all hopefully in time your children can remember the good times and talk about there memories again. Have the school offered any type of support to you? I know we are in the school holidays now but my sons school have been a massive support to me.
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Thanks for your reply and sorry for your loss. It is the most horrifying situation finding your husband in that way. I hope you don’t mind me asking, how long ago was your loss? It’s horrible know your child has witnessed his dad in this way.
We are in the holidays just now but hoping the school offer more support when they return. It’s hard as they are not open to talking but in time I hope they do.
A x
Just 6 weeks ago tomorrow for our bereavement A, My son is keeping me going through this horrendous time and I imagine you will be the same for your children. My son is a very talkative boy and he is talking about his Daddy often. He misses his Daddy and wants him to return 
if only…
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I really hope both your children will recover from the trauma of their loss. So sorry again.
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This is going to be a trauma for your children , they need counselling
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Hello sadeyes, so sorry for your loss, I hope posting here on this site helps you, it has helped me a lot to be able to talk about my grief with people who understand. Take care and God bless
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@Radlvsrip your loss is still very early for you & your son. I felt like I was on autopilot for the first few months and probably still am at times. Only way I can describe it is my brain is protecting me and letting out bits at a time. If it gets too much then I feel like my brain goes back to autopilot/survival mode. Not sure if that makes sense but grief is a strange thing.
Your son is so young to have lost his daddy. I would do anything to take away their pain or help them work through & manage grief.
Sending love and hugs x
It makes total sense it’s the flight or fight mode. Thank you so much for the comment it’s good to talk with someone who understands. My son was also present when I was carrying out cpr and it’s completely traumatised me @Andi07 I’m having night time flash backs / panic attacks about this. The grief councillor tells me its a normal response to trauma and they will diminish in time. How is your son coping with his experience? My son has made no reference to that morning aside from saying mammy don’t be sad you tried your best to save my daddy….
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It’s heartbreaking for any adult to witness but knowing your child has witnessed it brings on so much more pain.
My son hasn’t mentioned much about his dad. He did in the first week and I explained there’s nothing we could have done differently that would have saved him. He’s not spoke much since, I think he is trying to protect me as he knows how much I’m breaking.
Today is a tough day as my mum & step dad are away for 14 nights so feeling more isolated as can’t call on my mum when panic sets in which is causing more panic! Have friends & other family I can call on but trying just to get through tonight. Have started crafting with my daughter this evening in hope time passes quickly.
I write to my husband telling him everything I would have said if he was here but lately I’m putting it off as that’s when the tears don’t stop but I know I have to let it all out. I just can’t ever picture happiness again without him. Tonight I’m taking it hour by hour.
A x
I totally understand the hour by hour. Most nights I have to take it minute by minute. It sounds like you are making good use of your time though crafting with your daughter. My mam is also going away on Thursday, So I get the feeling of panic. It’s just getting used to being alone I suppose isn’t it. Well not alone as such as we have our children but not our family unit that we’ve built. I took my son on his swimming lesson this morning for the first time on my own it was extremely strange. But I did it, That was a little win for me.
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The sue ryder grief councillor I seen online mentioned writing things down. It’s not something that I have considered do you feel it helps you?
I started writing down what I wanted to say to hubby really early on, after a few days I think as someone mentioned it to me. I don’t know if it helps but I write about my day, ask questions like ‘why us?’, ask him to send us signs, tell him how I’m feeling. I do get upset writing but I feel it helps in some way as when I’m around people I don’t like to cry so find I am holding a lot in that needs to come out. I think others talk out loud. My neighbour lost her husband 9 years ago and she talks to him out loud every day and she even talks out loud to my husband now as he was her friend.
Crafting really helped tonight. My daughter gave up and I sat for an hour myself sticking gems on & it was a little therapeutic.
Minute by minute, hour by hour or day by day is how things have to be till we get stronger. I know my hubby would be telling me to get up and enjoy life, he was that kind of person, he would not want me and the kids mopping around and I need to keep telling myself that. It’s easier said than done.
A x
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I think me holding everything in during the day is contributing to the flash backs at night. I keep a brave face up for the bairn but inside I’m literally crippled… once he’s asleep at night it starts… I might try writing down whatever comes out, I’ll give it a go anything has got to be better than my current situation. I’m pleased to hear you enjoyed the crafting.