Hi,
This is my first post in the community although I joined within days of losing my husband last November.
I apologise if the subject has been covered elsewhere, but I can’t see anything with exactly the same content.
My husband and I have 5 adult children and several grandchildren as well as step-grandchildren and he was such a massive part of all of our lives.
We are all struggling in different ways to come to terms with losing such a big part of us and the changes it has made.
I have been trying to sum up some of the difficulties I’ve had on an emotional level so I could try to find a way to manage parts of this grief and my own existence but havent been able to find the words.
Then today, one of my daughters said to me that she knows that everybody processes this in different ways and that its best to let things happen at their own pace. But that it felt as though all of the love she has for her dad had “nowhere to go” and she didnt know how to deal with that.
When she said that it really hit home. I related to it so much. I’ve accepted that I won’t see him alive ever again and that is a hugely difficult thing to try and come to terms with but it’s something that isn’t always as painful as it was. But, just as my daughter said, it hasn’t stopped me loving him or lessened how much I love him. But I don’t know what to do with the love I feel.
I write to him in a journal, I talk about him to people, I’m slowly learning to not ask him out loud where I’ve put the keys/my purse/my phone etc. (I seem to misplace everything I touch, but that’s something that’s always been the case with me.) I still tell him several times daily that I love him - sometimes it makes me grin because I remember how he would often respond with “I love me too”. (He wasn’t someone who verbally expressed their feelings often, you’d just know from his actions.)
I’m working on planning out an area of the garden especially for him too.
But none of these things seem to channel that huge amount of love TO anywhere.
I hope that makes sense to somebody and that someone has some words of advice or a different way of looking at things.
I also apologise to anybody who may have been upset with anything I’ve written. I think that’s part of the reason that I’ve not posted here before. I worry in case something I say increases somebody else’s pain or upsets them any more than they already are. If that has been the case for someone reading this, I’m sending a virtual hug out to them.