Advice please

My husband died Nov 2021. Last month my MIL died. Her funeral will be in the same place as my husband’s. It’s a long journey from where I live now and I do not drive so would have to get trains and buses and stay somewhere overnight. I really do not want to go but feel I should. I am only just hanging on as it is and the thought of going back there is so hard. I did not get on with my MIL but she has few friends and family left. I can’t decide what to do and the funeral is next week. Any advice would be welcome. Thank you.


Hi, there is no easy answer to this but I think you need to listen to your gut. If this is making you more anxious then maybe you shouldn’t go. Do you have family or a friend you can go with?

If you didn’t get on with her, do you feel you should be going on behalf of your husband just trying to understand why you think you should go.

I think if it were me I’d really put my own mental health first .

Why is it all the decisions we have to make on our own are so hard :cry: xx

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I think my husband would have wanted me to go. I struggle making decisions on my own and felt the need to reach out to others on this. Thank you for your reply. If he had still been here so many things would have been easier.

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Hi Sharon, I do recognise and appreciate what you see as a dilemma. I guess, you feel you should go out of loyalty to your late husband and that’s perfectly understandable. Equally an arduous journey by public transport and an overnight stay clearly fills you with consternation and dread.
Faced with the overwhelming emotions of bereavement should be reason enough to excuse us from doing what others might expect of us; you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do.
Do you worry what your late mother in law’s few friends and relatives will think if you don’t attend? Then don’t. You’re unlikely to meet with them again and if you were to, I can’t imagine anyone choosing to bring up your absence.
Presumably, your MIL has a next of kin, or someone who’s arranging her funeral?
I’d send them a suitable card making your reasons for non attendance known, emphasise you’ll be thinking of them on the day and perhaps suggest you’ll light a candle in memory of your MIL.
Whatever your decision, I wish you strength in making it and all the best for your future.


Thank you. I will send a card and flowers and light a candle here. Your message really helped.


Hi, I understand your worries and the tie between whether you should go or not. But I do think you need to go with your gut feeling if it’s going to cause you more grief and stress with going. I don’t know you nor your husband but I’m sure he’d understand your reasonings for not attending. I can assure you whatever decision you end up making will be the right one for you, please don’t pressure or push yourself to do anything you are not yet ready to do.
Sending love I hope you’re okay x

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Hi if i was you and you think the family will expect you to be there then given the distance and the fact you recently lost your husband there fsmily member you would expect them to make sure they get you to the funeral with them and not expect you to travel all that way alone if non of them can be civil enough to travel there with you then im sorry but i would not be going you are grieving too so they should make sure your ok so sorry for the loss of your husband x

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