Advice welcome

I lost my mum two weeks ago, we never had a relationship for 10 years. I was nasty to her when she did contact. Now she has died I have found out that she never told anyone how her relationship was like with me, she spoke about me all the time like everything was okay. Has anyone got any advice on how to deal with regret and guilt

Thank you for that.

It’s a struggle to find a therapist in the area where I live this is why I turned to this page.

Talking helps but finding someone to talk to who remotely understands is hard. Just nervous I will love constantly with guilt, questions and uncertainty for a long time.

Aquietnight, a few ideas, which you could try.
You could try writing a letter to your Mum, stating how you feel. I did this in the first week after my Mums death. I wrote it very quickly.
Many months down the line when things are less raw you could try writing a letter from your Mums point of view. Her upbringing etc. What made her who she was. Also a seperate letter from your point of view. This could help with healing and gaining insight.

My Mum and I could really rub sparks off each other. I loved her dearly, but she could drive me nuts. She could make me very stresseed. There were frequent agruments, which pain me deeply now that she’s gone. Most families argue.
I’ve tried to take a lesson from it all. I view my regrets and guilt, as a final lesson from my Mum.
I’m not yet at peace with it all.
I’m sorry for you loss.

Take care