Hi everyone,
I’m guessing most people who have gone through their grief and come out the other side will leave this forum as they no longer need it. I wanted to post something hopeful.
My grief is still fairly young. Less than a year. I accept that this is how I am supposed to feel and this acceptance has been hard but important.
Counselling has helped a lot. It is really worth it if you can get any locally I would recommend it.
Although grief can feel debilitating and we all need to take time out to have bad days or weeks in the early months, it’s good to have a few things that distract you from being in your own head all the time. Meditation can help. There are lots of great apps out there. Also Yoga and walking are great. I have two kids who need me every day, and other people in my life who I love and care about. My grief has made me realise how important friendships are, and made me regret neglecting some of them. I’ve decided to do something about it rather than beat myself up. This doesn’t mean I don’t still shed a tear or feel down about losing my loved ones from time to time. I do. Every grief is different too.
The happiest times recently for me have been connecting with new people, going to work, getting involved with a community clear up session at my allotment, and reaching out to help family through a difficult time.
When we rely solely on one other person for all our happiness of course it will be harder when they are gone. Reach out to others. We all need a network of support. That includes practical support like doctor, hairdresser, maybe cleaner or gardener, but social support is crucial. It may sound obvious but I think many people neglect their social life especially as they get older. It’s not difficult to change that - there are loads of clubs and activities out there. Also helping someone else through their grief can be great.
I run a choir and have many older members whose husbands or wives have passed away. I know they are thriving because they are still part of something active. They still go to the pub and go out - probably a lot more than I do right now!
There’s an expression which I’m sure we all are more than aware of - you’re a long time dead. We are all still alive, and whilst the pain of grief is very real, we have the opportunity to do all the things our loved ones are no longer able to. We can raise a glass to them, or plant a tree in their memory, or honour their memory in many different ways. We should never forget them. We should cry when we feel like it. When we are ready we will be able to talk about them often with others - remembering the good and funny times. We might also practice gratitude - for the person we lost perhaps that we knew them, and also for everything that we still have in our lives. Even if our lives feel diminished there is always something we can feel grateful for.
I wish you well on your journey through grief. There is a life after death for those of us who are bereaved. It takes time but only we can decide what that life will be like. Don’t be alone. Reach out. Take care of yourself and in time you will take care of others too, and that is all we can do - take care of each other.
X V