I too lost my partner. I knew he had had a serious alcohol problem in the past including damage to his liver but I was naive when he told me the damage was compensated and allowed him to and even drank with him. The deal was he wasn’t allowed whisky but I thought as long as he only drank wine it was ok. His drinking had increased recently and had been causing problems at home. He was very controlling and possessive and the behaviours my son 22 and his girlfriend who live me witnessed were alarming and my parents were very concerned as were many of my friends but I loved him. I knew I needed to deal with the problem but I just hid my head in the sand to avoid confrontation with him. He has threatened suicide several times in the last 2 months but later admitted he just wanted a reaction. I was trying to deal with a demanding job, looking after my mum with Parkinson’s and protect my son and his girlfriend I was just hoping come the New Year we would talk about his problems. I knew how not to provoke him and I just wanted a happy Christmas as a family and thought I could hold everything together. On 30th December he became unwell at home and we called an ambulance. He has fallen and injured his shoulder and was vomiting blood and faint. They took him in around 6pm. The last thing he said to me in the ambulance was please don’t stop loving me and I promised him I would never stop loving him. I spoke to the hospital who said he was poorly and dehydrated but no one said I should get there to be with him. Again how naive I should have realised he was Ill but I knew he had been drinking all day every day for weeks. The paramedics seemed to think the blood was normal when someone been sick lots of times and it was also mixed with red wine so I don’t think I realised how bad it was .The house was a mess and our dog my son and GF were all distressed he had been sick several times on the living room floor and the bathroom was a mess so I didn’t go to the hospital that night. My hands were bleeding from cleaning vomit and I felt some relief that he was safe and I could go to sleep without the fear or a situation with him. My son was taking me up to the hospital the next morning at 7am and I phoned the hospital on the way and was talking to a nurse when I heard an alarm go off and the phone was put down on me. When they finally answered the phone I was told he was in cardiac arrest. They were able to bring him back but he was taken to ICU and he never regained consciousness. I spent the next 36 hours over New Year’s Eve by his side as they gave him life support and tried everything but he passed away just before midday on the 1st. I am utterly devastated and am wracked with guilt I didn’t see this coming in any way. The doctors told me the damage was done all those years ago prior to me meeting him but I feel so guilty I never told him not to drink. Apparently he was a ticking time bomb and nothing I could of done but I just feel I didn’t even try and save him. My family and I gave him so much love and tried to support him financially. Everyone who knew him said he was the happiest he had ever been but he still had his demons. I don’t know how to get through this. When he was happy everything was good when he was unhappy things were very bad and I was scared but now I feel terrified of a live without him. I don’t know how to stop feeling so guilty. I now know he was in terrible debt and had not been taking care of lots of things I am just so lost. Sorry it’s all just come out but my head is just constantly full of all these thoughts. I lost him aged 55 within 48 hours. How to I begin to process this. Thank you to anyone who reads my story
Gina what a terrible devastating time you’ve all had .That was extremely couragous of you to share it here .I hope you and your family can find strength from each other .Sending loving thoughts gx
@Gina23 Your story is heartbreaking. When we lose someone we love, i think we all have deep feelings of guilt… the 'if only’s and 'what if’s… it’s all part of our grieving.
My partner died 13 months ago, aged 56, a recurrence of cancer, having been given the all clear a couple of months earlier, and I spent a lot of time wondering whether I’d contributed to the infection that raged through him uncontrollably, feeling guilty that I could have done more, should have done more, but God knows what ‘more’ could have been…
You weren’t given the whole story in those early days so how could you possibly try to deal with something you weren’t aware of?
The guilt will continue to sit with you, please don’t let it consume you, and I hope you will come to realise you always did your best with the information you had.
We can only ever do our best.
Hugs
Thankyou for sharing I thought I was the only one whose husband died of alcohol abuse. I feel your pain it’s only been 8 weeks since my husband passed away he was only 61 and like your husband it was sudden. I didn’t get to say goodbye or tell him he was loved he was on his own when he passed , I don’t think I can forgive myself for not being with him even though the doctor said I was fine to go home because he was stable. I had just walked in my door when the hospital called to say he had deteriorated and I needed to come back by the time I got there he had passed. I too don’t know how to live without him.
I too lost my partner to chronic alcohol abuse on 1st January. He died very suddenly and tragically. He fell unwell at home and was taken to hospital and 48 hours later and being in ICU he passed away. I said goodbye in the ambulance and fully expected to see him again. Sadly he suffered a massive bleed from his stomach which caused a cardiac arrest and he never regained consciousness. I was there with him pretty much the whole time in ICU and begged him to fight I will never know if he heard me telling how much we needed and loved him but his liver damage was irreversible and they were very clear he unlikely to survive this. It was a complete shock but I missed so many signs and we were so used to him ‘resting’ I had not realised he was so unwell. Friends and family we saw over Christmas couldn’t believe it either. I knew he was drinking more and resting more and so did my family but had no idea someone could go From being their ‘normal’ self to that in such a short time. I am completely heartbroken and lost and just can’t make sense of everything that happened
Gina - really feel for you. Much of your story is similar to mine. My partner was dependent on alcohol and hospitalised with various issues over the years, including a stroke a few years ago. Alcohol is an addiction, you cannot tell them to stop drinking, they just hide it and it becomes worse. I gave up trying to get him to stop because his reaction back was destroying me too. They have to want to do it themselves. My partner lost his son to alcohol related issues, and his family all thought that would make him stop. But really it became his coping mechanism of living with that grief.
He went to hospital with something minor, and ended up having a cardiac arrest, followed by multiple organ failure. They did revive him after 12 very long minutes, and after nearly 2weeks in ICU - even though his organs all regained function, he never fully came out the coma. He also had a bleed in his stomach.
The pain we are left with is heart breaking.
You did all you could - even if you were cleaning up at home after him (been there too - he often fell and bled for ages due to blood thinners).
Take your time, look after yourself x
@JLF12 thanks so much for you reply. It’s amazing how much knowing others have had the same experiences and felt the same guilt helps. I felt completely alone and completely for responsible for what happened before I found this outlet. Despite what the doctors said it still felt like it WAS my fault. Reading the stories on here is helping me come to terms with the fact that Gary made the choices he did and it was often me that was left to pick up the pieces and I did so my best to keep everything together but I am starting to understand I was fighting a losing battle and it was always going to end like this. As heartbreaking as this realisation is it’s what I have to see. I have to hold on to the unconditional love I gave him right to the end. And you are so right the cleaning of the house and tidying up everything that night so my son and his gf didn’t see was also an act of love. I was always trying to protect him so people didn’t think badly of him. Thank you again 
You are so right Gina - they made their choices, and in spite of that we still supported them (at our own cost). That is the most unselfish, unconditional love you can have given.
I also have a late teen son - who has sometimes been the first to find him after a fall, in a pool of blood. Sometimes the house looked like a crime scene.
Like you - I wanted to protect my son, and also kept some things from his family because I didn’t want them to think bad of him. Though when things get too tough I had to for some support .
I know the wrestle going on in your head- we did the best we could x
Thank you so much you have helped me so much . We are not alone and despite punishing ourselves did do our best and hearing each other’s struggles and being able to support eachother will get us through.
You have helped me too Gina. X
Hi
I’m so sorry for everything you’ve been through and understand that you can feel guilty as I did, but we didn’t have second sight, and tried to do our best. Someone wrote, don’t think ‘what ifs’, but ‘even ifs’. ‘Even if I’d… he would still have died’. Best wishes to you and yours. 
X