Does anyone try to cover up their 1devestastion with alcohol?
Some do, but I have never known it lead to anything but problems. Alcohol is a depressant. That’s a fact. Oh yes, people can be boosted while drinking and often all inhibitions and emotional pain drop away. They can become violent or passive, depends on the temperament. It’s very much short term relief, but healthwise it’s not good either.
I am sorry to say that I have seen far too many people with drinking problems to suggest to anyone that drinking can help. Deadening the pain with medication is often helpful, but only that prescribed by your doctor, and even then short term.
You use the word ‘devastation’ and it is, very much so. But grief needs to be gone through because it’s a natural process.
I know, more easily said than done, but it’s the only way. It’s over 10 months now since my wife died and some light is showing.
My advice to anyone who is becoming involved with alcohol is stop while you can. It is addictive and the long slippery slope to more problems. Blessings.
Yes Jonathan, your right. I have been going down the wrong path. I would have normally had a wee drink once a week, on a friday nite, with my husband. But i have noticed that this past few weeks i ve drank three nites. Not in a row, but still. My hubby noticed, it seems to be on the days I visit my mums grave. It took me a long time to visit her grave, and now I cant seem to keep away. But i have to try and deal with it in another way, cause as u say, my health is important too. Thank u.
Yes Theresa, I do - I feel it is the only thing that takes the edge off. I know it is wrong but the emptiness and loneliness overwhelm me,then My whole life with the stupid mistakes I have made make me feel guilty - who knows what to do it is so difficult xxx
I think its like a cycle sometimes. U cant sleep, so u have a glass or two. And ur right, it does make u feel guilty, im beginning to think time is the only healer.
If after only 10 months you’re seeing some light at the end of the tunnel you are a very lucky man.
After 17 months I feel worse than a year ago. I’ ve gone through this nightmare day and night with no end in sight. I’ve talked about it over and over, journalling, had counselling. .
Done everything I’ve been advised to do.
Every day I do what needs doing in the house and garden.look after the dog and walk miles. I’m physically exhausted but still can’t sleep.
I’ ve gone through the process of grief and for some of us it will never end. When my partner died my entire life was destroyed with his. Why every one expects me to feel better and build a new life that will ever mean anything to me I cannot understand . My partner was the centre of my life for 47 years and growing old alone without him fills me with horror.
We both looked after our health hoping for a long and active retirement. Now the last thing I want is years of this meaningless and painful existence.
Some people have very supportive doctors but grief isn’t an illness that can be treated.-
If a few drinks helps people keep going and takes the edge off the pain for a short time good luck to them.
Most people know the dangers of alcohol but very few understand how grief totally destroys your life, physically, mentally and emotionally.
Whatever helps bereaved people in
anyway at all has my blessing.
I’m just amazed more people don’t end up killing themselves.
Wishing everyone well at this saddest of times. Jx
Yes, grief can destroy your life physically and emotionally, but so can drink. It anyone is lucky enough to be able to have a beer or some small spirit drink and not want more then that’s fine. I do and I’m not teetotal. But some people seem to have a chemical need. AA will tell you that all sorts of things can cause alcoholism.
Bereavement is obviously high on the list. I watched a man yesterday buying cigarettes. I noticed on the label ‘Smoking can cause heart attacks’. But he still bought them! Alcohol and nicotine are drugs, and taken to excess can make life very painful. None of us want any more pain, I think we have had enough.
But of course, it all comes down to individual need and personal choices. I would never criticise or judge anyone who does what they feel is right for them . But, like the cigarette packet, the warnings are all there.
Believe me, I do know how you feel. Your post is one of extreme pain, and I am so sorry. For some months after my wife died I felt that way. But I found this site and now don’t feel alone. I have made friends here that I value very much.
Grief is such an individual experience and there are as many ways to cope as there are people on this site.
People will try to help, of course they will, and there are many kind souls out there. If they don’t seem to understand it’s not their fault. Unless one has been in this awful situation how can you ever know.
I sometimes talk about a light in the distance. I see it. Not very bright at the moment, but it’s there. I know it will get brighter. But that’s me, and not everyone can see it.
My wife would not have wanted me miserable because I’m sure she knows how I feel. Please, don’t give up. It’s easy to do so but hard to hang in there.
I am sure everyone in this community is praying for you or thinking about you.
Take care. Blessings.
Jonathan, you speak such common sense. I agree with what you say. I like your positive attitude and for me positivity is the only way I can deal with my grief. It really is sink or swim in our situation, it’s as simple as that and I have to swim. I have to swim for my husband, I cannot give in, I won’t give in. I need to live my life now for the both of us and I’m trying very hard. A lovely friend sent me a song the other day and there was a particular line " Although I’m broken, I’m still breathing ". I think that applies to us all on this forum. It’s been over two years now since my wonderful husband passed away and I will never ‘get over him’. Grief is for life. We don’t move on but move forward with it. I live with his spirit every day. He is still so very much alive.
With regards alcohol, I would never deem to dictate to anyone what they should or shouldn’t do. There are no right or wrongs. No matter how much one drinks to drown their sorrows, grief still has to be gone through so perhaps drink would only serve to delay the inevitable. However, if a small tipple brings a little comfort or pleasure then do it. I am teetotal, literally TEAtotal. All I drink is tea. It isn’t because I frown on alcohol but simply because I have never found anything I like the taste of. I like the taste of tea. I find tea comforting. In the early days of my grief I was making tea for everyone. Making tea was normal where everything else was alien, confused. I read somewhere recently that grief was like being in a foreign country and I could so relate to that.
My husband enjoyed red wine with his evening meal and also the occasional whiskey. In recent days I have been suffering a gum infection so I have been using David’s whiskey as a mouth wash. It’s very effective. I smile to myself as I spit his single malt down the plug hole. I can hear him now shouting “NO, NOT MY SINGLE MALT!”
How I miss him.
Love to you all xx
I appreciate your concern . I’ve been on this site for over a year and I know I’m not alone in my situation.
Other people have good reasons to keep going sadly, I don’t.
People often say “what would he have wanted ?” the one thing I do know is that he wouldn’ t have wanted me to go through this and I certainly wouldn’t want him to go through it.
I have no religious faith at all and my
"reason for living " has always been the everyday life I shared with my.partner.Without him there is absolutely no reason to keep going and I have already given up any hope.
It’s been so hard keep going this long but I felt I ought to try. It isn’t easy to give up because until now I’ve always loved life but now I just don’t want to keep going.
I suppose I’m tired of struggling for something that doesn’t matter to me.
I wish everyone well with their choices.
Hello Jackie, you know I understand as well. xxx
Bristles and Tina,
Thank you for your understanding. It helps to know I’m not the only one who feels like this. Jx
Yes I do… Its the only thing I have at the moment… Unless you are like us with the dark greif no one really has any idea what it’s like losing a loved one… I have friends and family all around me will so much love and good will but they just don’t realise the pain I’m in… I’m not saying for a second to become an alcoholic but do what you need to do to cope. I have to go through the funeral yet and just dread that day again I have to say goodbye to my only love x.
Single malt as a mouthwash. Oh Kate You made me laugh. Although, I’m sorry you have a gum infection. I still laughed though :))
I like wine with dinner. I like vodka, gin and brandy with my coffee too!
The strange thing is I haven’t had an alcoholic drink since my husband died. I don’t think I dare. I have a feeling I would never stop if I started. Not a good look
I was never a big drinker and neither was hubby but we did drink and, enjoyed it when we did!
To be honest I don’t think I’ve cooked anything the past 6 months that’s worthy of a glass of wine accompaniment, in fact I know I haven’t!
I honestly can’t advise anyone the right or wrong way to try to cope and deal with this grief malarkey. It’s got to be an ‘every man for himself’ approach I think. If it feels right, do it. If it doesn’t, don’t. That’s my motto anyway
Single malt as a mouth wash… KATE :)))
I’m actually laughing out loud now. You really are a breath of fresh air CW. Anyway, it really worked it’s wonder on my gum and it’s all better now for the time being. Xx
KATE!!! What have you done.!!! If civil war breaks out between Scotland and England we will all know why. Five million Scotsmen are up in arms this morning, Malt whiskey being used as a mouthwash!!! Shame on you.
Well, for goodness sake, please try not to lose our sense of humour. Its so so difficult I know, but just a smile may help us and others. I agree. Grieve but at the same time try and move forward.
Thanks Kate. You sure brought a smile to my face, I was on the verge of laughing and that hasn’t happened for some time. Your post is so positive and a treat to read. Bless you.
Good morning Jonathan. Once again I am laughing out loud. Go on Jonathan, just do it. Laugh! It feels so good even though tainted with sadness. :)) xx
I look at this way…for quite a few years I’ve used the excuse that the lines on my face are laughter lines. I’m deluded, I know. For that reason I need to continue to laugh otherwise I’ll realise the truth, as will others. It wouldn’t take much working out, how is it the lines on that woman’s face are multiplying yet she doesn’t laugh, does it :))
My hubby made me laugh so much as well as having a pretty gorgeous smile himself…
This grief experience has already taken so much from me, it’s certainly not having my sense of humour as well!
Here’s to deluded and, a sense of humour :))) x
I remember reading an interview with Dean Martin and he was asked about his fine head of hair. He replied that he massaged it with red wine… from the inside. I’ve been experimenting with various malt whisky and I haven’t found one that’s made the slightest difference. I haven’t had a tooth infection and I put that down to a rigorous code of prevention, frequent applications of single malt. It’s absolutely nothing to do with grief as I’ve been applying it for years.
Hear, hear! ;))