Good Morning
It’s 7 weeks yesterday since my wife of 33 years, Alison, aged 53, passed away peacefully at home from metastatic bladder cancer after a 2-year fight.
I’ve read a number of the posts in the group and it’s clear that I’m not alone in what I am going through, but it doesn’t change the fact that I am now very alone. Alison is my world and it’s hard to contemplate what the future holds without her with me. We were planning early retirement and had so many plans for the future all of which evaporated the moment she died.
We have two children, our daughter is at university and our son starts in September, then I have the prospect of being totally alone at home. The advice on various website is not to make important life decision during the early periods of grieving, but I have no choice. I work overseas and when we found that the cancer had spread I submitted my resignation so that we could spend more time together, we didn’t know at that stage how short that time would be. I could have withdrawn the resignation and returned to work, but I have decided to stay in the UK and try and build a new life here with new hobbies.
It’s just so hard that one thing you want now, you can’t have have and nothing is going to change that no matter how much you cry. We are a couple we have spent most of our adult lives together. Like other have commented going to bed alone is the worst, but not having a hand to hold, snuggling up on the sofa watching TV or even washing up together, nothing is the same any more.
Thank for you for reading this, I know there is nothing anyone can do or say that will really change anything or bring Alison back, but you at least know what I’m going through.
Hugs
Andrew
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Sorry for your loss…….I really feel for you,I’m going through exactly the same as you,I’ll be 53 next month,and yes we did everything together even like you said the washing up!!!..….I’m on my own,having had no children,it’s really hard now,my wife passed away just over 6 weeks ago metastatic breast cancer,she was 57,and we were planning on early retirement.,I just feel lost,totally lost,if you ever want to chat you’re welcome to private message me
Well you have another reply , my wife 51 died 6 weeks ago with metastatic bladder cancer .
She was utterly amazing , my everything , I was with her 13.5 years . She was gorgeous, and loved by everyone, a woman I’m proud of but alas cancer took her after a 12 months of hurt .
So where am I today ? Like you I’m lost , she can’t hold me , be with me , comfort me , love me .
It’s heartbreaking. My future was full of things to do , she had just gave her job up to do the big things we wanted , then BANG it was taken away from us in a flash, news that she had a nasty cancer . Our worlds changed forever .I’ve gone back to work last week , it helps , I need to work . I cry EVERY day and I pretty much know what triggers it .
I wondered if i could love again, I thought I would but I’m coming to terms that I just can’t , Mandy was my everything and the love ship has sailed forever . So I go alone into a future I never asked for or want but I have to for my 3 children (inc a stepson) . I vowed to her I will make her proud and I intend to .
I’m not religious but I’m curious of the spirit , I talk to her every day , I chat about stuff, I tell her I’m missing her. ….this life is shit but a little less shitter than yesterday . Take care , so sorry for your loss but as you can see, you aren’t alone .
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Good Morning @Donant and @Northumbrian54,
Thank you for your replies, likewise I am saddened at the loss of your wives also, it all seems so unfair. As another thread in this forum so eloquently states “It is just shit”.
I know that in time we will learn to cope with the situation we now have to live with, but it doesn’t make it any easier today. I don’t think there is anything anyone can do or say that will help, and if you haven’t been through this I think you have absolutely no comprehension of how it really feels.
In terms of going on to find someone else in the future, I think it is very much that if it happens it won’t be any time soon and even having thoughts of finding love with someone else feels so wrong at this time.
I’m not religious in any way either, for me the solace is that Alison lives on in the genes of our children, and that is the best legacy I could ask for.
Cheers
Andrew
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Hi Andrew,
It’s now 4 and a half weeks since my husband of almost 40 years passed away. He was only diagnosed on 7th May and died on 13th June. Don’t know what is worse really, having him a little longer after his diagnosis would have been have been preferable, but at least he didn’t suffer. The very worse thing though, his death could of easily have been prevented.
Everything you say is just how I feel, life is so unfair, my husband had literally just retired and never claimed a benefit in his life.
The grief is like a physical pain at times and the thought that I’m never going to see him again is unbearable.
I have 3 grown up children and a loving family but I still feel so alone. I feel like I will never get pleasure from anything again.
Sorry Andrew, I know that this isn’t helping you very much, but you at least know that you are not on your own.
People keep telling me that it’s just time that will make me feel better and it is very early days for both of us. However the thought of carrying on feeling like this is terrible.
Let me know if you find any ways to ease the pain.
Take care and big hugs.
Ann
Hi Andrew,so sorry to hear about your darling wife. My beautiful wife Judith also died of stage 4 bladder cancer,it took her away so quickly.2.15pm Monday 27th September 2021.I went through all of what is happening to you and I still am going through as it never ends.My thoughts are with you. Michael x
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Grieve , let it out , however don’t let it consume everything about you in time .
It will get better if you allow it , it will never heal though .
I hope knowing this is normal feelings you are having and that possibly in time you will feel a little bit more calm .
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Good Evening Ann (@Otoolea)
I really wish there was a solution to how we are all feeling at this time, I think just expressing how we feel to people in this group (even though we have never met them) is cathartic in a strange kind of way as I feel they are the only people who truly understand.
I’m not in denial, I know Alison is gone, but can’t help the feeling that she will come back, like you said, this can’t be forever can it?
So no magic answer from me I’m afraid just just return virtual hugs.
Andrew
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Good Evening Michael (@Mickeyboy31)
Thank you for responding, I’m sorry to hear about Judith.
Is that Kefalonia in your profile photograph? Greece and the Ionian islands is our go-to destination for holidays. I plan to leave Alison’s ashes in the Mediterranean, probably next year as I need to charter a yacht (Alison and I are both qualified skippers) and I also need flights which seem to be rather chaotic at the moment.
Cheers
Andrew
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Thanks Andrew sane to you xx
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Good morning Andrew,yes it is Kefalonia,we loved it there also Thassos was another island we loved.Greece was also our favourite destination.Crete 3 times,Zante, Lesbos not so good,Skopelos.etc ,so nice to hear from you.I like yout idea for Alison’s ashes. Michael x
Michael my wife died 31st May of stage 4 bladder cancer .
A full year of treatment etc , brutal times , sad times yet a happy 5 weeks in a hospice.
I know the utter pain of bladder cancer , I hate the disease with every fibre in my body .
Take care buddy
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Hi Glenn54 ,sorry to hear about your wife.My Judith was not diagnosed until it was too late,they said it was a water infection and just gave her antibiotics. Covid did not help,unable to get a scan until stage 4 bladdercancer was found.A 9 hour operation,then weeks of chemo,another scan cancer back again,hospital for 7 weeks on very heavy pain relief,3 drivers pumping the stuff into her tiny body,I was then told she was dying,wow that hit the spot. They then sent her to a local hospice where she passed away 4 days later.My life shattered,ruined for good. I have never seen anyone in such pain. I hate cancer with all my being. Michael x
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Oh Michael,
So sorry for your loss, and seeing someone you love in pain is the worst thing imaginable. My late Husband Stuart, passed away on 13th June, after being diagnosed on 7th May. He had had ulcerative colitis for 24 years but hadn’t had a colonoscopy for 5 years due to covid. Cancer from his colon has spread to his liver, and he deteriorated very fast. His death could easily have been prevented. I feel so much anger and guilt for some reason. Stuart had literally just retired 5 months ago and he never claimed a benefit in his life. All the things that we were going to do are gone forever.
Sorry Michael I know that I’m not helping you very much, but wanted to say I’m so sorry about your wife and I can totally understand how you feel.
Take care, sending you hugs,
Ann
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Hi Ann,thank you for your kind words,so sorry for your loss as well.We have all suffered so much with one thing and another.I still have flashbacks about seeing Judith screaming with the pain of her bladder cancer,she had 2 bags fitted after 2 major operations but the stomach acid was burning her lower regions until it was red raw.I have never seen anything like it in my life.I cried for her.I had anger but what is the use it does not bring them back.Poor Judith did not deserve all that pain. Michael x and hugs.
Micheal this must have been horrendous for both you and your wife. In this day and age you’d have thought that people wouldn’t have to suffer like that. I’m not surprised that the memory will stay with you.
I have no magic words or suggestions, I’m floundering around just like you.
A really good friend of mine who’s husband died a few years ago, said to just take one day at a time and don’t look to the future. I’m trying to do that.
Keep in touch xx
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Ahhh mate that’s heartbreaking, Mandy was 12 months from diagnosis to losing her . Feel for you .
We had a 5 week period to put our lives in order in the hospice, I’m so sorry you didn’t get that chance .
She got to say goodbye to everyone she wanted to by getting them to visit her . We were lucky in that sense
Take care , this is hard.
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Hi yes that is what I am trying to do and thank you for caring. Michael x
Hi thank you for the kind words. Michael x
@Andrew7 Everything you wrote, seems to resonate with you. It looks like our wives passed at a similar time, so I guess we are at similar stages. I don’t know the answers, but I login here early every morning, and it makes me realise that I’m not the only one singled out for torture, and perhaps start to understand at least what some of us are faced with…
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