Its almost 5 weeks since i lost my beautiful, witty completely selfless mum. I am lost. But now its like im not allowed to be lost. The funeral was almost 2 weeks ago.
Because im back in work its like people expect me to be ok when im anything but ok. I have to park my grief for the most important woman in my life, my mum & its starting to become numb. Just feeling the pain is not as it was, i feel like ive been brainwashed into the clockwork truman show & not able to mourn because “life” is expected to carry on & im going along with it.
Why shouldnt i still be sad?
Why do people invisibly roll their eyes when they ask “how are you?” And i politely respond im not ok but thank you for asking.
My world has imploded & ive been shunned into parking all the emotion, turmoil , devastation & loss of my best friend, my mum. Im not scared to smile or laugh & feel that when i can, but im angry that the last 2 weeks have glossed over that pain. That im doing ok, doing “normal” out of a world that is anything but normal to me when she is missing from my life.
Its like im no longer allowed a free pass to grieve. Its like ive accepted that slap from people & society that things should be “normalising” & im somehow going along with it, pushing it all down. One day in 5 weeks is all ive had to be a mess & cry. Thats not normal.
I really feel for you @Ribena99 , im 10 months on from losing my mum and the pain is still hard to bear. I find it incredible that most employers offer only a couple of days bereavement leave and then anything else has to be taken as sickness - it just doesnt reflect the devastating impact of grief. There is no timeline on grief and you absolutely have the right to still be grieving the loss of your mum. Are you working full time - is there any option for a phased return to work on reduced hours initially? As well as the emotional impact, the grief physically exhausts you so trying to work a full day may be too much too soon. It might be worth talking to your manager/HR department.
If this isnt an option, is it possible for you to carve out some time in your routine that is just for you and your mum? Maybe at the start/end of the day, or at weekends? It might be writing to her in a journal, looking at photos, meditating, going for a walk with a grief podcast, or simply sitting and crying. At 5 weeks i was a complete torrent of emotions - Its important to still make space for them amongst all the demands that life/work places on you.
Something else that i found helped me was a local grief support group, as that can provide you with a group of people who just get it, and dont invisibly roll their eyes! Its worth checking whats in your local area - some of them only take place during the working day, but if you have flexible working that might still work for you. 
Sending hugs and strength 
@Ally6 thank you so much for your kind words & suggetions. My employer pretty much said back to work full time- in fairness they had been very supportive whilst mum was ill & dying but that very much dissappeared when i requested phased return - denied on the grounds of business needs 
Its spoooky because ive started writing to my mum at the same time each day roughly so thatbis our time, it just very much feels like grieving isnt allowed, especially after the funeral.
Im sorry for your loss & for your own experience after 10 months, its the most devastating experience isnt it x
Im sorry to hear that about your employer. See how you go, but if you’re really struggling dont rule out getting signed off by your GP. Does your employer have an employee assistance program? Some have 24 hour helplines and access to counselling support.
Its good that you’re writing to your mum - i write and talk to mine every day. You are absolutely allowed to grieve despite what the non grievers may say! For those who havent experienced loss its hard for them to comprehend. Ive found my usual friends have provided very little comfort in the dark moments, so gradually a new network of friends has evolved - people who’ve been there and dont make me feel judged, who i dont have to constantly explain/justify my feelings to.
Just take it one day at a time, and keep posting - we all understand here and want to support each other
Its so true, there are friends i adore but they simply cant comprehend. Its a two way guilt - they feel bad because im grieving i feel bad because they feel bad, but im learning not to feel bad & i know true friends will have the patience & respect to accept this devastation i feel right now.
I also think the “new friends” is quite true. Ive noticed a few acquaintances who’ve lost their mums checking in alot & it does seem friendships are evolving, because im in that “club” now too.
This site is so helpful, all of us sharing the experience of our loss at whatever stage but respecting all our grief is unique x
The other thing is, “am I pushing XYZ person away”? I just dont know if its a because of bereavement reaction. I feel very uneasy around some people & the guilt of being miserable for their sake is awful. So there are those i think im distancing myself from because they are just voyeurs of my grief & others i feel bad because of the invisible eye roll because they know that im not ok … My world as i knew it is gone.
Please dont feel guilty at being sad around others - you have enough to handle already, dont weigh yourself down with extra layers of guilt! Grief is a life changing trauma to both the mind and body. Its a whole body experience and anyone who hasnt been through that yet - well they should count themselves lucky! As you spend time on this site or read more about grief you’ll see that the devastation you feel is completely normal, and hopefully that might help you feel less guilty. If you have true friends that genuinely want to know how to help you, if you have the energy then explain to them what helps you and what doesnt. But some people its just not worth the effort. If you havent heard of her, you might be interested to Google Megan Devine - shes a psychotherapist who lost her husband unexpectedly. She wrote the book “irs ok that youre not ok” and has a website/podcasts and there are some useful reference materials and videos about how to support someone thats grieving.
@Ally6 thank you! Im actually reading her book at the mo, i just wish people would want to read it in general to better support us folk on here. I know i shouldnt feel guilty & i guess its as she says that this isnt something to be fixed because it isnt a problem to fix. Ive tried explaining this to close friends. Anyone beyond that i dont waste my breath. I simply say no im not ok, ive lost the most important person in my (yours, everyones) life. I feel like i owe it to myself (&her) not to apologise. Maybe, as i write, its a people pleasing trait? Im scared that because i have no one unconditional ill be discarded because im stuck in darkeness & their lives move on… just typing what im thinking. I also like the part she says the stages of grief were a regret to the lady that came up with the concept, that we dont follow or redo stages like a strategy to be overcome to some sense of being a better person after this. This grief that will change in time will stay with us forever.
Im fed up of being told “im strong, i did her proud”. I dont need or want a pity pack on the back to offset the loss of my mum
Hello
People do expect you to conform us who are grieving to act as though we have to return to normality. I refuse to conform. Grief never leaves you it’ll be with you for the rest of your life. Just because we grief it does not mean we have to let our grief go. It doesn’t work like that. To lose your mum or any parent is not only devastating it’s horrific. There are no words to describe the loss of a parent. Those who want us to conform have a shock coming when it happens. Your literally comes to an end
It’s taken me a very very long time to begin living some sort of life nearly 8 years 8 years since I lost my mum to be exact but my life isn’t the same nothing will ever be. My mum is missing in my life. I get up I go to work 4 or 5 days a week I have 4 or 3 days of and in work I can just about focus and on my rest days there are days I feel so lonely
I question the life I have now not the life I am supposed to be living. Is there life after losing a parent? Or is it just a mere existence? Whatever it is life for me is miserable but through this I am determined to rebuild my miserable existence
@Steven there are so many questions arent there. Lonliness is a very dark place& feeling, especially when added to grief. Rebuilding life is very much real because life without parents throws everything into chaos.
When i think about the future its a scary prospect that fires up disbelief inside me. I feel like i dont want to move on, because i dont. What is a life without a family, but my mum was my family. I have close friends but its not the same. I feel like everything i do is a haze of activities to get through a day with thoughts of my mum intertwining. Some are my memories, some the realisation that im living in disbelief & have no family. Very much living & existing in my head & doubt i will ever live a life im truly happy with.
Morning Ribena
Exactly my thoughts to
Nearly 8 years later I still can’t my mums last day out of my head the day the world came crashing down
Thursday November 24th 2016 I was in work about to start it was 7.30am I got a phone call from my dad telling my mum had gone. That morning at that exact same time I rung Liverpool royal infirmary accusing me of killing my mum. I detest them with all my soul. They make me sick. They exactly what they did to my mum. I’ll never trust the national health service ever again.