ALMOST 5 YEARS SINCE LOSS OF HUSBAND

Hi,
I’m just wondering if anyone feels like I feel after this length of time. In December, it will be five years since my husband Eddie died, but to me it is no time at all. I feel so sad and lonely most of the time. I have a twin sister (who sadly, lost her son to suicide six months after my husband died) and two young grandchildren (as well as a son and daughter and their other halves) and they do visit me, but when they’ve gone, more often than not I feel the tears threatening, and try not to give in to them, but mostly I do.
I just still feel so lost without him. We would now have been married 51 years and life just changed so much in the instant he died. I have had quite a few losses in my life, mum, dad, sister, cousins, sister-in-law, but there is nothing as awful as this, and Eddie was always there to talk to me and take a lot of the pain away. I was talking to an old friend yesterday who I hadn’t seen for a few years, and after a minute of hello etc, he just said ‘How’s Eddie doing by the way’. He looked genuinely shocked and sad when I told him about Eddie. Wow, can’t get over people still asking me how Eddie is after all this time!
I did manage to go for a meal earlier this year with a (male) friend, but it meant nothing and don’t think I’ll bother again. There’s not a lot of point to my life now, though I know I have my family which makes me so lucky. They all go back to their families though (and I’m glad they have them too) but that is the time myself and Eddie would settle down together and watch some rubbish telly (or even a good box set) and that was ‘our’ time. I have the radio on constantly at night (sometimes I go to bed, sometimes I don’t) but even then there is always songs on that we used to play, which then make me so sad. I do try though, and have not long gone back to swimming a couple of times a week with my twin sister, which helps.

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Hi Lesley,
I know exactly how you feel. It has been over three years since my husband died and I too feel totally lost and always sad. I have a wonderful family who live not too far away and I see them frequently but it doesn’t make up for being without the love of my life. The intense debilitating grief I felt at first has settled into being an ache which seems to take over my whole body. I don’t mean a physical ache, this is a feeling as though my whole body is living a life of its own. I feel detached, and as though I am waiting for something. The pieces of my life don’t seem to fit any more and as I go through my days, it feels as though I am not quite there. It’s hard to explain.
I have a good life on the whole, I have a lovely apartment overlooking a busy harbour, I have hobbies and I am never bored but I never feel really happy any more.
Everything I do reminds me that he’s not here and that makes things pointless. It’s so sad and I feel so guilty because, apart from that, I have no worries, touch wood. Compared to some, I am lucky, we had 57 years together but lucky is not how I feel.
I don’t know what the answer is. Maybe being so in love and so happy before means I will never be truly happy again and that is hard to accept. So I think I shall just plod on and do the best I can to honour his memory. I adored him and he knew that, so I have no guilt on that score and I need to accept that and be satisfied.
I wish everyone peace and as good a life as possible.
Ann x

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Hi AnnR,
Finally passed the five-year mark - 3rd December. Ironically he worked at Fiddlers Ferry power station for around 17 years (left years ago with ill health). This year on that date, they blew half of the towers up (remaining ones in January). Not even sure what he would think but probably have been interested. My twin sister lost her son (to suicide) six months after Eddie died, and I do feel I had to put my grieving on hold as her need was more than mine (not quite to me sadly). Anyway, we have been there for almost five years for each other now, but sadly only a few days ago, she came to my house and suddenly got really angry and went home. She came up with some stuff I haven’t a clue about! The outcome now is that we are not speaking to each other, which only adds to pain for both of us. But her last words to me last night (on bloody facebook) were ‘just leave me alone’. I sent her one last message asking what on earth has happened, and why she has turned so nasty, but no answer today. So I guess I will have to leave it now. Sadly, I haven’t moved on an awful lot since Eddie died, but we were trying to do things together to help. Now I will have to spend a lot of time on my own, but guess I have no choice. Thankfully I have two grandkids (11 and 6) who do help me to get by. I can’t wait for them to finish school for a couple of weeks as it will mean seeing them more. I do have a couple of hobbies (crafts etc), but I still miss Eddie so much and always will. I (or rather myself and my twin) turned 70 at the end of November. Feel now like my life has taken a complete turn - my sister has a husband (of 8 years) who is not the nicest of people. Only three weeks or so ago she came to my house and said he was smashing things up and she was frightened. Now suddenly he is absolutely fine and a completely changed man! No choice but to leave things as they are now xx

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You have had a rough time, losing your husband and you are not being helped by your twin. It is so hard to lose your spouse when the marriage has been happy. I know that from experience. We had been married for 54 years when he died, together for 57 and I adored him.
Your sister is being thoroughly unreasonable and I think you are wise to stay away from her. Funnily enough, a few years ago, my Mother in law went the same way. She suddenly started accusing me of all sorts of things out of the blue. We had got on well until then and to this day, I have no idea what got into her. She wasn’t senile or ill and I had done nothing. I wonder if some people suddenly get a ‘blip’ in the brain! When she died, I was sad as it seemed so wrong that we weren’t friendly any more. Anyway, life is too short to dwell on other people being stupid.
I am a crafter too, but have not done anything since my husband died three and a half years ago, which is strange because I crafted at every opportunity when he was still here. He loved my crafting (especially when some of the cards I designed were featured as proper ‘how-to-do-it’ articles in four different craft magazines). There seems no point to crafting now.
I wish you all the best and I hope you manage to have a good Christmas. Like you, grandchildren (4 of them) ranging in age from 30 down to 15 , and their parents of course, and they all live near so that will help. We all get on well and I see them often. I have no other family.
Keep safe and warm,
AnnR

Hi AnnR,
Thanks for your reply. Aw you sound very clever at crafting - please try and carry on with it. I used to feel I just couldn’t be bothered, but then I would hear my husband in my head saying how lovely my cards were and it did encourage me (sometimes still can’t be bothered though). I have discovered Canva online, which has kept my interest for a while. What a shame about your Mother-in-law - sad how people just turn for no apparent reason. Have a lovely Christmas if you can with your family xx