This last year has been the fastest & biggest rollercoaster of my life following the deaths of my stepson and my own son. Finally both inquests out of the way and put to bed which were harrowing but had to be done.
I think the last months have taught me a lot of things and I’d like to share some if I may.
Firstly I am no longer the person I once was and suspect I will never be that same person again. Traumas like ours put us in the most vulnerable of positions going forward and we are scared of everything especially it ever happening again which has troubled me for months.
I can honestly say though I have smiled again more this last month than I have since last March, but that doesn’t take away the instant onslaught of emotion that creeps up and gets you when you least expect it. Only last night I was happily watching MasterChef and as soon as it went off I sobbed uncontrollably and made myself feel so sick reliving the last moments of their lives. Especially my boy who took his life in the worst way for me personally.
It has made me stop and evaluate everything with my other sons and grandsons to try to reassure myself everything is ok. I now have anxiety which I didn’t really have before and I find that I am overthinking the simplest things. It has made me the most emotional person on the planet.
All that said we will never ever get over losing a loved one, especially a child, no matter what age. my feeling is that we slowly adapt to life without them until the days dawns that we can remember them with a wry smile at certain pivotal moments of their lives. some days I find myself thinking about some of the funny things they did growing up which makes me smile but its only fleeting.
So my friends, I want to wish all of you so much love and may the peace that comes from all the love on here envelope you in the long hard days ahead. I
Thank you for the lovely positive post , it validates so many of my thoughts and feelings , my son was murdered abroad by a stranger and although the perpetrator is in prison so far we haven’t been given a motive , awaiting the court case overseas is such a huge cause of my anxiety and constant feelings of doom . Its still very raw for me and I cry most days , much less the sobbing and wailing now and more the silent tears that sneak up unannounced and roll down the cheeks kinda crying , could be a memory of his childhood , seeing something that meant a lot to him or just wishing I could have a hug and someone tell me it’ll all be ok , I don’t think even my partner can tell me this because he knows as I do it never will be .
I don’t think anyone other than a bereft mother can really understand this empty feeling inside . I have a lovely family and he had three siblings that give me a reason to try to carry on but it’s so hard . I don’t like the person I am now and I grieve for the old me too x
Reading this is me, but we are waiting for the inquest for my stepson. I have done all the firsts for my son, it’s so hard, so many tears but there has been laughter along the way. I am totally different person, total different outlook on life, have removed negative people from my life including my best friend. If people don’t like it tough. My motto is don’t judge me until you have walked my path in life, I am feel stronger again however a lot less tolerant. Take care xx
Hi Cherish
Thank you for your kind words. What a truly awful thing that’s happened to you. I get what you mean just a snippet of a conversation or something he used to say and it all comes tumbling down.
I really do hope you get the answers and closure you want, it must be infuriating not knowing.
We do have to carry on for our other children but it’s a lot and it’s hard. Your right only a bereft mother will wholly understand. I’m not demeaning fathers at all but mothers somehow seem to get the rawest of deals in terms of grief.
I feel I can be myself on here. No one to judge , no one looking over saying there’s that poor mum . I just want me back . Life has definitely thrown me lemons but for now I’m not sure how to make my lemonade. X
I lost my daughter in October last year it was sudden no goodbye no warning she was gone
Now we have to wait until July for an inquest which scares the life out of me . Not a day passes without a thought of her we have to stay strong she left a 2 year old and a 11 year old
As one of you said your not the same person part of you went with them
Hi Kim
You’re absolutely right we are not the same person. Something goes with them I’m sure. Sad that children are left behind. My son left 4 girls. So very sad. Even now a year later I still suddenly feel sad and cry on a whim it just creeps up. Being on here and sharing stories with many lovely people has helped me enormously and I have made a few really nice friends. Thinking of you
