Dear Elen,
How right your words seem; we kept quiet and carried on thinking that to voice the monster in the room would bring it even closer… The days are an endless stream of nothing; making conversation, but not being there… The crying inside never stops……
Thank you for your caring words.
We are on here to listen to each other and I send hugs to all who only have those lovely memories…
Xx
Thank you to everyone that reached out to me. It means a great deal to me. Reading each post was heartbreaking but it has helped me to know that I’m not alone. I’ve not been on for a while as I’ve been so down. Everything is still so raw and the pin is unbearable. I’m disabled and am virtually wheelchair/bed bound and am in constant physical pain and have to take morphine for the pain. But the pain I feel after losing jason is the worst pain I’ve ever felt. At the moment i’m taking each day as it comes. I can not look to far ahead. I’ve had so many firsts since Jason passed and still have many more to come. Our 24th wedding anniversary was in august and being alone destroyed me. I have wonderful children and a wonderful family that are always heee for me but I can’t turn to them as I know they are all hurting badly too. I think that’s why this forum helps me as we are all in the same/similar situations and being strangers I find helps me talk. I just don’t think I’ll ever be the same again. I’m lonelier than ever and feel totally broken.
You describe perfectly how grief feels…I lost mu mum in February. Its like we’ve been anaesthetised not living in the real world, blurred…Everything seems pointless as you say…I sent that one word to someone in a text Pointless…Yes eating, sleeping and watching TV are the only things that keep me going…When I don’t want to be here I realise I HAVE to live for my two grown sons…They would be destroyed. I remember saying to people who’d lost a parent…“you’ll be fine” etc.Now I know better.
My partner of 9 years was only 51 when he passed away. We were each others world and together 24/7 I ended up being his carer in the last 2 years. He developed fibromas in the arches of both feet which eventually stopped him walking far due to pain. Then he was diagnosed type 2 diabetes and had an occipital stroke 9 months later which luckily only affected his peripheral sight in one eye. We thought that was it and then June 2021 he had a bad belly and was admitted into our local hospital after going to A&E. I went home to sort the dogs out thinking I would see him later only to find out they put him into a medically induced coma and 7 weeks later I watched his heart slow down to a standstill. I can’t seem to get myself out of the rut of sadness no matter what I do and I know I can’t live like this for the rest of my life.
This is like my partner he was 51 and I had cared for him, he passed away yesterday. I’m lost without him, he was the love of my life, it’s still raw but he really would have hated me being sad for the of my life. I’m sending you love and healing wishes I don’t believe time heals everything it just dulls it a little xx