Alone and Lost

My husband of 23 years passed away 8 weeks ago and I’m feeling totally alone, numb & lost. He was diagnosed in September and passed in January. It was a very quick illness (cancer) that he passed from. He stayed at home with me and our children. He passed away at home on 11/01/2022 at 10pm exactly. He had us all with him when he passed. I can’t get over the last noises (the death rattle) it was awful and heartbreaking. I can’t sleep because all I hear is the noise. He passed very quickly and peacefully. He was ok on the10th January but on the 11th he wasn’t good. He had gone down hill overnight and that evening he had gone. I’m glad I had him at home right through his fight but I can’t get rid of the images and noise out of my head. (Like when the undertakers came and took him from our home. It doesn’t feel real. I keep expecting him to walk through the door. I was suicidal after he went but got help from my doctor. He put me on medications to help me. I’m just so lost :cry:

5 Likes

Karen69 so sorry for your loss its not easy is it . I’m still numb after 6 months . Don’t think it ever goes away. I to was with my husband when he passed but I can’t recall hearing the (death rattle) maybe cause it was in hospital with a lot of noise and I’m hard of hearing . All I heard was machine just flat lining and seeing that line on machine just going in a straight line instead of up and down that’s a image I keep seeing in my dreams its awful then I wake up with pain in pit of stomach like nothing I’m had before I’m anxious all the time and cried enough to fill a lake. Take care and keep posting on here we are all hear for each other . Sending hugs x

6 Likes

I can remember hearing it with my Nan. I was only 15. My mum passed away 4 weeks ago (it’s her funeral tomorrow ) and I didn’t hear it. I was so scared to sit with her when they turned off the machines as I remember that noise my Nan made all these years later. But mum didn’t do that. It was just flatline but wasn’t looking at the machines. I kept my eyes on her chest and watched it breath for the last time. While holding her hand. Whoever we lose, we loved them. However the way it’s traumatic. But we will get through this. For them. My mum would be kicking my ass so bad right now. She’d be telling me to eat. To get a grip for my girls. But we do it how we do it. But we are not alone. We are all here for each other. Keep strong. My friend said to me it will never be ok, but you will learn to sit with it. Somehow. Keep strong. Sending so much love and hugs to you all xxx

4 Likes

I will be thinking of you tomorrow @nicnic :heart:

Thank you. I’ve not been strong about this at all. It was all very sudden. Valentine’s Day was when it started. I spoke to her the night before. She came over and got a bowl of stew to take home to eat and when we FaceTimed she asked me where the salt was. 24 hours later she was pretty much gone. She had gone but they found a pulse and we watched her on life support for 3 days. The last 2 days I’ve been quite calm. I don’t know how or why. Knowing she was so scared of dying but went not knowing maybe? Or like I said she’d be kicking my ass or that I’m going through the motions. We did her flowers Ourselves today and I saw the things she loved and appreciated in life. Simple things. She should still be here though. I miss my best friend. I don’t know. Feel numb at the moment. Existing xxx

1 Like

My heart goes out to you @nicnic, I’m sure you will do her proud tomorrow!and she will always be in your heart, but I know it will never be the same as we just want our loved ones here with us, I think you did all you could do and I’m sure she is proud of you too :heart: xxx

2 Likes

Thank you for messaging me back. I know exactly how you feel. Everything is so confusing. I’m sorry to hear about your husband. I don’t think life will ever be the same. I’m just grateful to have people to talk to on here. Karen x

1 Like

@Tillwemeetagain
I understand what you’re saying. I don’t know why they call it the death rattle. It’s an awful saying and makes it feel even worse. I’m sorry for your loss. People say it gets better in time but I don’t believe that. I lost my brother 4 years ago and that still hurts. But losing my husband is even worse. Thinking of you. Karen x

1 Like

@nicnic my heart goes out to you. I’ll be thinking of you today and hope it goes ok as it can for you. I did my husbands service as he didn’t want other people talking about him that didn’t know him. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life but I did it for him. I’m just trying to get by each day at the moment. I’m totally lost and am terrified of a life without him. I’m just glad I can talk to people here. Others mean well but they’ve not been through it so don’t understand. All the best karen x

2 Likes

So sorry for your loss.
My husband was in hospital when he passed over.He was really ill after two consecutive heart attacks ,during his resuscitation he got broken ribs and teeth. .He was under sedation as his health deteriorated drastically the next day.
It was terrible to see him like that.Its been two and a half months now .And its awful as Im struggling to deal with it.
So know there are so many of us struggling.But Im so glad i accidentally came across this community and i see there is so much support

1 Like

Dear Karen, I am so sorry for all you are going through and I do know how you feel. I lost my husband who was diagnosed in Feb 2021 and passed away on Jul 2021. A lung cancer stage 4 with a huge metastasis on his lower back that spread everywhere and to the whole spine. We’ve been together for 31 years and will be 32 soon. We’re still together cause he is always with me no mater how or where I am. He was 4 months in a hospital bed, he fell down and leg got completely weak and back surgery was required in a site that was bombarded with radio. Anyway, surgery was successful but later sepsis came and it was a disaster. He was literally on a bed without walking and wearing nappies, a young 61 hard worker awesome husband. In my culture, they don’t let you die without assistance such as intensive care and fluids but here, omg, it’s brutal. The palliative care is insane, dogs die with more dignity when are put to sleep.

I moved to the hospital cause he was supposed to live only 3 days at the most. I had clothes there and a bed. I do know what you mean when you say “the death rattle”. Luiz lasted 10 days and listening to his breathing was like thin air going through a thread needle, suffocating, dehydration was brutal too…I could not take it off my mind neither the hospital bad episodes. However, now after almost 8 months, I could but sometimes it comes back. It’s definitely less worse and I look at nice pictures with a smile and before I was always sobbing. It will be like a roller coast forever; we won’t be the same anymore.

I also understand you are expecting him to come through the door; YEP, I even had a dream that I could see Luiz unlocking the front door to come in. I dream with him a lot, some are good and others are like being in despair to catch him in a deep box full of naked bodies floating up and down, when I saw his head with his typical hair I tried to grab to bring it out of the box to me, I got his head but it was slippery and he went down. I listen to his Whatsapp audios and sometimes it feels like a message from above.

I hope you can find some kind of comfort soon. I have bereavement therapy every Wednesday and it’s been helpful and she explains me so many things I had no idea. Please, look for help and hopefully you will improve a little. There’s no miracle but we need to keep going because of other people who love us.

I am watching " After Life" series at Netflix and I cry and laugh hard, no middle term but it is helpful too.

Thank you for sharing your pain!
Love!
Elen Costa

4 Likes

Oh Ellen I’ve just read your post and what a nightmare you’ve been through. Losing my husband in bed beside me with a heart attack was bad enough, shock wise, but watching your lovely
man fade away must have been heart wrenching. I had some counselling to prepare for my sons wedding and the lady I saw was a great help. It seems talking (and sobbing) to a stranger made
me let go a bit more rather than be brave for everyone else, especially our two sons.

I just felt I had to respond to let you know how sorry I was for you losing your lovely husband.

Much love :heart:
Georgina

1 Like

It’s very nice of you Georgina! I’ve just finished watching After Life series and it was so helpful to me. Give it a try and see if you like. It gives you a new perspective how life will evolve from now on. You going to sob but laugh hard as well.
Take care my dear! If you would like to get together for a walk we could. I’ve been lonely!
Thank you so much!
Xx

1 Like

Hi Karen
I feel your pain, my husband Paul was fit and healthy, never had illness or been in hospital.

Then last February after having a cough was diagnosed with sarcoma stage 4 after 3 chemo sessions he was told nothing could be done.

He too went downhill and the last few weeks were heartbreaking for me and my 2 daughters. He lost his fight on August 23rd he was also at home.

I also had weeks were I couldn’t get the vision of him suffering and that rattle sound out of my mind. I have had counselling with a very excellent listener who advised me that when I got that vision to concentrate and think of a image of Paul in a happy situation. This does help and I’ve had a large canvas made of 1 of my favourite photos of him standing in front of the ocean. When I feel overwhelmed I just sit and stare at that canvas, it does help.

Please try and find something that you can relate to and ease the pain if only a little. You have family who need you so much. Take care and I hope you pain will ease xxx

1 Like

Hi San, our fate are pretty much alike. I do know what you went through when they came and said there’s no way out . The whole world collapses. What can we do? It’s such a slap on our face and we feel empty and angry bc no matter what we could have done, it would not be enough to heal our husbands. It’s a nightmare and feeling their presences more than before ( just in a different way) is ambiguous. There’s no way to be who we were before, no way at all . We have to accept it and let it go. But there’s a huge resistance in accepting it bc it feels like losing Luiz again. The pain becomes a bare necessity bc it feeds my desire to have him always present in my mind. It’s very hard to write about this “ crooked” feeling. If I let the pain go away is like letting my husband fall down all the way to the darkness where I won’t be able to find him anymore. Weird feeling! The pain makes me alive and attached to him; without the pain I won’t have him in my mind all the time. The pain is the only thing left of him!
Thanks!
Xx

2 Likes

Dear Elen,
I hear what you say: if I let go of the pain, my Gordon draws away… It is not a choice anyway, the searing pain has gone on for a year and is as vivid…

Today it is a year ago when I sat for hours listening to his tortured breathing, as if he was drowning, until it just stopped and he was gone… Stage four cancer and metastases in his back kept him in so much pain… We only had the diagnosis sixteen days before he passed and had not talked about it, which I so regret… I hate that he might have felt alone… We were married for forty seven years and how easy every day was; a soft and gentle man…
I have a little dog who still goes and lays on his bed to look for him…. I have no family, although lovely friends.
It is a relief to come on here where we are not alone… it is so tragic that there are so many of us whose lives have been shattered…
Big hugs to all of you…

3 Likes

@Beetango hi beetango just wanted to say I’m thinking of you today and my thoughts are with you. Take care sending hugs x

1 Like

Dear Beetango, you are correct, it’s not a choice bc some days everything seems well and all of a sudden you go down to the bottom again. I am so sorry for your experience and only having 16 days left feels ambiguous. There was no time to process it for both of you but his pain was gone quickly. I think it doesn’t matter how our loved husbands passed away bc we will always come up with a lot of ifs , if this , if that and it never ends. I understand your regret bc we also did not talk about it to each other. We kept going on fighting but not saying too much about the final outcome. Deep inside we all knew it but decided to keep it quiet for a good reason. He knows you love him and even would switch places with him. We were just trying to easy our pain and theirs as well. It’s a nightmare experiencing all these thoughts and trying to fix what cannot be fixed. It seems we are in a bad dream, blurred, confused and not living in a real world. It feels like you had anesthesia and cannot feel life how it was before. The pain keeps going and finding a new path seems pointless. Everything sucks! The only thing I enjoy doing is eating, sleeping and watching series. All these 3 things make me feel better.
Take care my dear and live one day at time!
Hugs!
Xx

Karen all i can say is i feel your pain my wife of 50 of years passed away on the 22nd of Dec 21 her service was on Christmas Eve.
i am going into week 13 now an able to cope a little better but will always miss her. Rebecca had not been well this last 3 years an was steadily getting more ill as the blood was not getting to her organs the way it should
She was totally dependent on me an it was always my worry if i went 1st,Rebecca would have been broken hearted if she had been left on her own. my daughter is wonderful but she has her own family to see too an also works. I hope as a little more time passes for us all we are able to cope with thing a bit better.
i found Mothers Day very hard to get through.
Sending you Hugs.

Hi Casey1,
I did smile to see a comrade on here and would like to thank you for your caring thoughts… What thoughts of your dear Pauline? What feelings now; even more painful now with different levels surfacing… ? Sending big hug and tears for our loves… xxx

Back to top