I lost my twin to suicide end of last month.
Has any one else felt so alone in their grief? Confused? Lost? Kind of angry at every one? Then regretful of the anger? Guilty about everything? Like your loosing it? But then numb and back to the beginning again?
We were so close even though in recent years we didn’t see each other every single day as when younger due to adult responsibilities and life problems etc but we always had our special unique bond.
She was the one I could just message about any thing any time and she’d listen. The one who I could be completely comfortable around and be my honest self. The one who I could tell anything and she’d either ramble right back at me or just be in my corner. She’s the one who would be into all the same things I was near enough and vice versa. She was my best friend and only real friend tbh. I didn’t need any others when I had a guaranteed BFF in my twin. She was the only family besides my mum who ever cared about my two children. No one else ever has bothered with them because my oldest has Autism/ADHD and can be a handful especially around his brother who’s pretty boisterous too. She’s the one who made an extra effort with them knowing how much that upset me about the family.
My sister was troubled and she made many mistakes in her life which for one she never could escape from the judgements but most importantly could never truly forgive herself so she essentially became her worst enemy. I think that’s what led to the end.
I wish she saw how amazing she really was. Her potential. I wish so because then she wouldn’t have been so down right depressed. She wouldn’t have felt like she always had to prove herself because she knew who she really was. She would have recognised her potential and sought it without fear. She would have kicked life’s butt and reaped all the deserving rewards. But she didn’t know how amazing she was. And so the cycle of destruction continued.
If only she could feel my pain now. Would she still go or would she stay and fight it all, so we didn’t have to live with this pain? I like to believe i would for her because I’m staying here right now for my Mother and children. But then I understand why she did it. I do. She had so much pain and so much going on. She was lost. She just couldn’t find her way back. She was tired and in the end very poorly. But in time she could of had a completely different life. She was only 25… in time every thing could of been different if she just believed it.
I have friends who’ll initially talk about it all on a basic level. Who’s been trying there best to uplift me through things I enjoy doing usually and focusing on the positives. Which helps for a brief moment. But what I need is different.
What I really need is to ramble on and on about all the things that are weighing heavy on my chest. Go from the beginning and some one to just listen to every thing I’m saying. Not skip the crappy bits out or skim them even if it’s a 42 chaptered book with 16 follow on storiesq. I need to sit in the pain myself and family are feeling together for a while instead of secluding. I need my sister cos she’s the only one who would.
And now I feel alone because I darent reach out as I know it’s not going to help and they are grieving too.
And lost because no one else would get it like she would anyway but I’ll never be able to go to her again so…
And confused because I don’t know how we got here, it still doesn’t feel real not really. Confused about the past about the future and the present.
And angry at them for past stuff, for now stuff and stuff that’s not even happened yet.
Angry at life because it’s not fair. In ways angry at her too.
And guilty. So guilty. For every thing she suffered. Through my own mistakes. That my family probably feel the same way. That I’m too wrapped up in my own pain and being selfish even typing this.
Crazy because Its only getting worse and not better. That I do think about joining her at times. That I cling onto any memory or anything positive I can about her and boost it extra proudly. That I expect others to do it too some times instead of making her all doom and gloom. That I would do anything to believe she’s still around to at points genuinely believing she is, spiritually. And then nothing. No joy. No sorrow. Just flat out. Numbness.
Grief is something that changes everything. Grief is the worst thing in the world.