Alone without my partner & best friend

Only recently am I beginning to grieve. I lost my partner suddenly in January this year. I have been in a lot of denial I think. Despite my going to the funeral parlour to speak to him in his closed casket. Or attending the funeral, stood up speaking and all!! I still cannot seem to allow myself to fully acknowledge he is gone & never coming back?
I struggle with emotions. I cannot really even be vulnerable when alone. When he reality of life, or rather the void within my life now. Finally hits. I feel as though I cannot breathe. I have started art therapy and I am booked in for a session of grief counselling online. So I am trying to make progress.
However, I am simply distracting myself with chemicals or cheap thrills which is destroying my soul. I loved my partner dearly. I am only now realising just how much. He was my absolute everything. My best friend, my safety blanket. I miss our silliness & his unwavering love.
I am only 35 years old & this is my 2nd partner to die. I am beginning to think that I am somehow been punished? I have read a few of the personal stories here. My support is basically non existent. Despite me having 2 children. I attended the funeral without either of my parents been there. Even though my partner was fantastic with them both. Reading that others have been let down by family & friends in their time of need. Has helped me not become so consumed by the notion that I simply am unlovable. Or that everything I do love I lose.
I am going to my partners family to collect some of his ashes in the next week. I am hoping this may help me accept his absence is permanent. Can anyone offer any advice on how I allow myself to grieve? As I am ruining what I have left in life. To the extent that the fantasy of causing myself harm is becoming more frequent.


You’re not alone in anything you feel or think. Thinking about dying, questioning your self worth, feeling your not crying enough, grieving enough, it’s all part of grief.

I’m sorry you’ve had two losses. I’ve had three relationships and they’re all ended badly, my last through death, so thinking your being punished is a common thought. But you’re not. You’ve just been very unlucky that this has happened to you. Grieving is a process but it’s also a reality that they are not coming back.
Just focus on the hour you’re in and get through however you need. There’s no wrong or right way to grieve, we are all individuals and we do things differently.
It’s others perceptions of what we should be doing that can be difficult and usually those perceptions come from people who have not lost anyone like we have.


Youre only young … its not your fault. You just been so unlucky. Take care of yourself and try and find some grief counselling xxx


I am so sorry for your loss at such a young you l have lost 2 husbands as well.& felt in the beginning l was extremely unlucky or maybe l deserved it .but as time has gone on its over 10 Months now.l have realised l have been blessed to have had 2 fantastic husbands in my life.& life goes on.& l dont have bad days now.only bad moments.& it passes.just keep it in the day.keep sharing your thought & emotions on here.l found in the early days writing stuff down really helped.& meeting friends even when l didnt want to.the pain lessens.Life wont be the same.but you will be happy again.Sending you love & light :heart: