Alone

I went to a dear friends party this evening
They were our friends for all our married life. I went because I felt I needed to go as they are such good friends
I was doing quite well
Until we all sat down to eat, and I was the only single without a partner
I left as soon as I politely could.
I cried all the way home in the taxi, got indoors and sob for over an hour.
I missed him so much tonight that it physically hurts.
I have sleeping tablets I trynot to use but tonight I am going too
Hopefully I will sleep.

I don’t think I will ever be able to do social gatherings without him.

This is an existence not a life
Life is so cruel

Thinking of you all
June E

Hello Briju. I know exactly how you feel. You did well to go to the party at all. I have a group of friends i use to work with who all have their husbands and although we go out girls only, I hate it when they talk about their husbands because what can I say? How can I contribute to the conversation?
I have another friend who keeps asking me to lunch along with some other widows (how I hate that word!) but really I don’t want to belong to that club. So where does that leave us? Damn it!
Sending love xx

Dear Briju, I too have had that experience recently, on a holiday with good friends of longstanding which culminated in a fairly big birthday party, of realising that I was the only single person there. There was even a moment when I was in one room and thought ‘I must see how he’s getting on’ in the other room (my husband had Parkinson’s) and in the same split second recollected that he wasn’t there. So painful, made me feel so lost. I hate being alone, feeling lonely, missing him, making an effort in such circumstances.

After eight months, I still feel grief physically as well as emotionally. But my life does, perhaps, feel less acutely awful than it did a couple of months ago. I don’t ask myself so often how I can possibly go on feeling like this. It’s gradual, very gradual.

xx

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