@Deb5 oh no you’re having a really bad time aren’t you - I feel life is just like being in constant fog . My son and DIL still acting up but their baby is due in less than a month so maybe things will improve afterwards. I don’t know . Your situation is terrible though because they’ve lost their dad - the lack of compassion is dreadful. I don’t know how all these kids sleep at night - better than us I expect.
You take care of yourself xxx
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so agree Daisy - seems to be getting worse for ne - thought lighter evenings would be better but doesnt seem like it! grief just goes on and on and on despite good support from family and friends! Trying to put on a good face but actually feel continuously sad! anyone else feel the same!?? xx
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Lost my partner 30 dec, after all the horrid rush of admin, family & friends …… a complete empty void. But, must try & be happy and busy … this poem was read at a friend’s mum funeral the other day:
Choices by David Harkin …
You can close your eyes and pray that he/she will come back,
Or,
You can open your eyes and see all that he/she has left.
Your heart can be empty because you can no longer see him/her,
Or,
You can be full of the love that you shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live for yesterday,
Or,
You can be happy for tomorrow because of yesterday.
You can remember him/her and only he/she is gone,
Or,
You can cherish the memory and let it live on.
You can cry, close your mind and be empty and turn your back,
Or,
You can do, what I suspect your beloved would want: That is,
Smile, open your eyes, love one another and carry on.
Loved this so much, when feeling somewhat lonesome and ‘just not right’. Tomorrow is another day xx
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Not long ago then … early days … i would like to tell you it gets less painful but it just gets easier to bear that’s all. Cant honestly say your life gets easier without our loved one here … its still very sad 14 months on for me and i hate living alone tbh x
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I’ve not come across that poem before - its really made me think. It was a year ago tomorrow that my husband has a silent heart attack and never really recovered, and died two months later after a fall in the garden which smashed his hip and they couldn’t do anything. It all still feels so raw and grief coming in waves describes it exactly, sometimes it just comes out of the blue and knocks you off your feet - but I do try and remember the good, happy times we had together, but it isn’t easy
I am only grieving 6 weeks fear what be like in 6 months
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I’m having a bit off a wobble today I don’t like being on my own it’s horrible it doesn’t get any easier I’m 128 days in . All we can do is hope that it will get better or a little easier c
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Gets easier … not perfect but easier x
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Thanks @Ladysuisei6 so fed up today … i thought last weekend was bad ! How do kids sleep at night when they treat their own mother so badly ! My mum isnt perfect, as nobody is , but i could never treat her so badly. Especially if she had lost her husband and a father … we should help each other but no i think they would rather blame me or somehow blot it out so its not true ? Im not sure which it is ? But im sick of it ! Ive suffered the most here ! Not them ! Im just gonna move away but don’t wanna go too far from my mum because she is 83 and she needs me really. What has happened to a world where people cant show compassion to a widow ? I am gobsmacked and so disappointed with the human race 
i didnt realise how truly kind and caring my husband really was and indeed how damn lucky i was ! He wasnt perfect either but he was a kind man and would never have treated people like they do xx
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@Deb5 you sound like you’re having such an awful time from your kids , like I do with my son . It’s awful . They all should be ashamed of themselves but the reality is they’re not going to be . I know my son won’t respond to my messages and phone calls but I still try - well from now on I won’t bother because him ignoring me is making me worse and he’s not affected. I can understand you thinking about moving away - don’t worry but I have thoughts like this too . I’m still hurting so badly from the loss of Baz but my son does actually expect me to be over him by now which speaks volumes . They really won’t understand what grief is like until karma comes knocking at their door and they are personally affected . I can’t understand why these kids are so selfish- all I suspect is it is part and parcel of this generation. I been looking into some information on estrangement ( I feel partially estranged from my son now ) and kids of this sort of age are only interested in a relationship which benefits them directly. They’re not interested in putting in hard work , dealing with challenging situations or anything which doesn’t contribute directly to their own betterment. Yeah as I call it , selfishness. I’m finding it hard enough living without my Baz let alone trying to have the expectation that my son will be there for me . I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m on my own with this , as hard as this sounds . Having expectations all the time that I will be supported is just leading to so much pain and upset that I’m now having no expectations whatsoever. I know that what your kids are doing is very wrong but at this point they’re probably not going to change . This is my experience anyway. I’m a different person now Baz is gone - like your husband he was incredibly kind . He was also funny , great company, was never selfish and he treated me really well . I’m trying to remember his qualities rather than focusing on my son who I now realise is a selfish self- centred brat . I won’t get any compassion because he’s got none to give , he’s far too busy thinking about himself. At the moment I’m not even sure if I particularly want an ongoing relationship with my son , he’let me down so badly . I’m not going to do anything rash at this stage I’m waiting to see if he comes back to me and in the meantime I’m just trying to concentrate on my own well-being. I don’t know if you can do the same , @Deb5 because your kids are just cruel . I know it’s pointless for me to try and make my son feel any type of remorse for his actions because he’s not got a conscience. He’s not capable of putting me before his own selfish needs and one day , he will experience bereavement for himself and find he looks around for support but there won’t be any . This seems to be the world we live in now. It’s really sad that we both find ourselves in this situation where we can’t rely on children that we’ve given our lives too but this is the reality. I’m not going to rely on my son for emotional support, I am simply trying to survive myself, alone and I’m navigating the loss of the only person who truly loved me without support. Actually it doesn’t make too much difference I don’t think because my son can’t begin to replace how I feel about my partner . He’s a poor replacement. Yes in an ideal world it would be great if I could talk to him about my loneliness and fears but I can’t . I have to get through this on my own . It’s hard but eventually I’ll learn to be self sufficient and I hope then I’ll be able to come to terms with my heartbreak and pain . Grief is something that pushes people away I find - that’s until it affects them , which it will and only then will they realise the consequences of their selfish actions. It’s a hard lesson for me to learn all this . I expected support , compassion and love , but I’m learning to live without this now because I have to . I think that by lowering my expectations, I’m finding it easier to devote my thoughts to the really important person and that is Baz who is lost to me forever.
I’m really sorry you’re going through this with your kids but I don’t think they will change . If you change how you think about them , maybe you can learn to protect yourself in order to heal and learn to live your life without your lovely husband.
I hope you take care , sending you love and empathy. Julie xxx
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And nobody is perfect are they … not even our kids … even though for some reason they seem to think they are . Well mine seem to anyway ! Im totally imperfect and theyre all perfect …except it was our husband not theirs ! It was our partner we lost not their partner … what did we do wrong with them ? Did we indulge them too much ? I just dont know ? Having a rubbish day. And my daughters baby due in march like your sons and as she is not speaking i have no idea if i will see him either ? How can you weaponise a child ? The kids of today can it seems ! Arent they awful ?. I think youre handling it better than i am tbh … i have found the last 14 months the most horrendous time of my life tbf … in every way i can think … being without him is so very hard … he protected me you know and now that protection has gone … Xx
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Yeh true words i know … its just tough out there isnt it ? In this harsh world … you just need a bit of comfort thats all … cant understand why they cant give you some ? Because as you say they are selfish … nothing like their father xx
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@Deb5 well I’m not handling life particularly well it’s just that I’m being realistic about my own son . I can see that he’s got so many faults and also character traits inherited from his father , my ex. If he turned out like his dad I knew he’d be heading for trouble and he is . I still see him once a week , but that will probably change when the baby is born . He thinks he’s going to be a good father - no one who weaponises a child is a good parent . Your daughter is doing the same thing , just because she can I suppose. If her dad was here she wouldn’t get away with this because as you say your husband protected you , so you might have been able to ignore or not notice her selfishness. I know when Baz was here , my son wouldn’t have got away with this behaviour because I wouldn’t have cared . I would have found it easy to ignore him then . So this is what I’m doing now - I’m ignoring his selfish behaviour because I can’t change it . Losing Baz is the single worst thing that’s ever happened to me and I don’t know how I’ve even survived 13 months without him . We’d never spent 13 days apart , so getting this far has been torturous. Every day I wake up missing him feeling like half of me has disappeared. When I think like this , my son doesn’t even enter my radar. He’s not important and there’s no way he can replace him . Of course I’d love him to change , maybe to turn up and ask me how I’m feeling and if I need anything, but I know he won’t . For the time being anyway, I’m closing myself off to my son just to protect myself and to be able to concentrate on remembering Baz because he is far more important xxx
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Aw julie. Youre doing fab … really you are. And when you said about husbands being here and how they wouldnt have got away with it - i completely agree. They wouldnt have treated me so badly if their dad was here - i know that … he wouldve had something to say. And youre right our husbands were much more important. But if they were kinder it wouldve helped with the pain. I not seen my daughter since xmas … so at least you see your son, however if he is mean when you see him you are doing well to put up with it. Im afraid i explode with my kids. I WILL Not be treated like i am a nobody … when i gave them life … x
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@Deb5 i didn’t realise you’d not actually seen your daughter in so long . There are weeks that go by when my son chooses not to bother coming. Last week was not good- he was in a bad mood and ended up storming off . I don’t know if I’ll see him next weekend because he’s not taking my calls . Yes he blocks me as well . I’m fed up with his behaviour but interested to see where he’s going with it . I only got the one which is probably why I’m putting up with him . Having said that , he’s no way as important as Baz ever was , so losing my son like this is something I expect. I’ve been shut out if his wife’s life , which is probably so they can justify me not seeing the baby . How these kids can behave like this when their mothers are grieving is beyond me . I couldn’t live with myself. My son knows I’m isolated and alone yet chooses to ignore me - I got no choice but to focus on what I had before and try to be grateful for the love me and Baz shared . He was amazing and I miss him all the time . I was lucky to have him in my life . Because he’s not my sons dad , he would never have told him off or anything , but I would just ignore him when he behaved badly and just lived my life with Baz . That was enough to make my son realise he was in the wrong . Now he’s got all the power , so by ignoring him as much as I can I can take this away . I have to because otherwise I’ll go mad . Missing Baz is just my life now and I’ll never get over him xxx
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Yeh you do right. Yeh had a barny with her at xmas because she started being off with me ! I only took her and my granddaughter to tenerife in November ! Huh ! Charming isnt it ? All my kids have been crap. They started off ok but soon dwindled to nothing very much. They freeze you out of their lives and as you say they have all the power now because they KNOW youre vulnerable. I cant really be bothered anymore tbh but i just wanna try and build a life for myself now. Which is easier said than done. Its not the world i lived in before i met my husband. Its a dog eat dog world out there. I would like to find somebody else to love but even that is easier said than done. I still miss my husband and i still love him but i know he cant be here anymore however i still talk to him and write to him and miss him … xx
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@Deb5 i know it’s awful isn’t it that we are both far too young to be on our own without love . I just think the world is a harsh place and I relied on my son and his wife for a while . Maybe I expect too much I don’t know , but basic love and compassion are not to much to give imo .
I’ve always been really close to my son and I thought my daughter in law loved me too but maybe I’m wrong . Since the pregnancy, she’s been possessive and nasty towards me which I really don’t deserve. Losing the love of your life changes you as a person and they haven’t taken this into consideration at all . I can’t see where this will all end because up until recently I’d never really argued with my son . Now all he wants to do is argue with me and I’m too tired . I’m tired of being alone , I’m tired of the shock of losing Baz the way I did and I’m tired from all the grief . I fed drained and so upset by my sons behaviour is untrue xxx
I’m so sorry for your loss. I unexpectedly lost my partner on the 9th December 2023 he was 25 . I feel the exact same way. Everyday is a challenge for me and I miss him so much. We were together 8 years and to think I will be without him now scares me.
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@Sarah7899 How awful for you, 25 years old that is so sad. I have found this site incredibly helpful everyone is so supportive as we have all suffered the loss of a partner. Even if you don’t feel like talking just reading other people’s comments etc can be helpful. Condolences x
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@Peter7 my husband died 2 months ago - Xmas Eve - when people ask me how I am I say ‘I don’t know’ which is the truth, might not be what they want to hear but it’s how it is.
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