Hello, this is my first time on posting on here. I have read many posts and fear that my story is not worthy of comment or sharing… but I need to share and have spent days not knowing where to go or who to talk to…
A brief history, I lost my husband in Dec 2022, nearly 2 years ago after caring for him after he was diagnosed with MND. I knew he was going to die, I just didn’t know when. He soon became paralysed from the neck down and I did absolutely everything for him 24/7
We were married for 30 years and had two wonderful children and a wonderful life.
Since he died I have cracked on as they say, he wanted me to build a new life and live it to the full, and I have tried and am trying.
However, today I am struggling so much, tomorrow would have been my 26th wedding anniversary and I am not sure how to deal with the day. The anniversary of his death, his birthday and Christmas all feels overwhelming.
I have lost both my parents and my husband in the last few years and it’s been hard, I feel guilty for focusing all my grief on my husband, but miss my M&D so much too…
I am so lonely, not because I don’t have people around me I do, but I don’t feel anyone wants to join me on the rollercoaster of emotions… I say “i’m fine and smile” and that’s what people see and believe… but deep down I am struggling to make sense of it all, and often feel like “what’s the point” life is for living, but I don’t have the confidence or desire to live it…
So, am I being a drain on people? I feel I am, and just want to curl up in a small ball and disappear… I really believe that I wouldn’t be missed at this moment in time…
No
You are grieving and it’s good to say what you feel. To see it written down,be heard and not judged this is the place.
You are not alone you are not a drain , we have different narratives but we care,there a good people on here keep posting.
What I am discovering about grief is that everybody expects you to say that you are fine, it’s a standard reply, and inside you really are not. I have some friends I joined the navy with, they have been friends for 35 years now, they are the only ones I really say that I am not coping to, we have been through so much together that they are the only people that really get it. I am lucky to have those as I have no family only my wife’s family who are suffering as well so they don’t need an extra burden. I can’t help on the curling up thing because I go to sleep hoping not to wake up, but we here are all going through the same thing, we are listening
Totally agree @Atrum there is an expectation to say “just fine”.
I am so pleased for you that you have friends that you can share with. I too have family and friends, but it is a selective group. I sadly lost a friend of over 30 years after a situation that I shared with them so I am nervous about opening up now, as it was a reaction I didn’t anticipate.
It’s difficult to trust and open yourself up to someone because that also opens yourself up to being hurt, I don’t easily make friends, it’s a bit easier talking on here as it’s anonymous and everyone is going through the same stuff so there are no expectations of a standard reply
I agree 100%. Tell family and friends the truth. “No. I am not doing well. I am suffering with grief and with each holiday, birthday, anniversary, I crumble.”
I never say “I’m fine”, I just say “I am okay”. Okay means “I am alive, eating a bit, getting some sleep, the pets are still alive and the utilities are on because I paid the bill”.
Can we be a drain on others? Sure. They do get drained by our sadness and it is hard to be around people who bring sadness and grief with them. It is normal. We can bring them down, so we have to limit how much we talk about how crappy being a widow really is for us.
Totally agree. This forum is a great help for verbalising our feelings as unless you have suffered a loss you gave no idea about grief. People in here get it and have been there.
