Hi, I was widowed very suddenly at the end of June, 4 days before we were due to go on holiday to celebrate our 40th anniversary. We had been together since I was 17.
I think I’m doing ok, most days I have a little cry about something but whilst I miss him so much, I am trying to look forward. We were lucky that we retired early and had some great times before he died. Thinking of that knock on the door from 2 police officers still makes me feel sick though.
My issue is my grown up children. My twins didn’t have the best relationship with their Dad, mainly because they were so like him! My eldest was without doubt his unintentional favourite! She married in June ten years ago and was to have a party the weekend after her Dad died, which of course they cancelled. I hadn’t given it anymore thought until one of her sisters told me they were holding it “3 months late”.
I really don’t want to go. All I can think is that I will never have another anniversary. Plus I am 100% certain I will sit there and cry, and I really don’t want to accept the “condolences “ of other people who I know vaguely, because they aren’t sorry for my loss are they. They just say it because it’s polite.
So I said I would see what I felt like on the day. However her other sister has been messaging me all night telling me that me not being there will ruin the party and Dad would have Wanted me to go. My husband hated parties so the only reason he would have wanTed me to go would have been to have some time on his own! He wouldn’t have gone .
Am I being selfish? Should I “put my big girls pants on” and go? I should add I’m disabled and can’t walk very well so it’s not like I can dance the night away! Thank you for reading this and I would love to know what you think x
I am sorry for your very recent loss. You sound as if you are trying hard to stay positive.
I think you should do whatever you feel like doing, or not doing in this case. I’m sure that many people at the party wouldn’t expect you to be there, and it isn’t fair for your daughter to put any pressures on you at such an early stage in your grief. I would tell them to back off, but that’s me, some people aren’t so forthright. Switch your phone to silent and try to get some peace so that you can continue to take care of yourself.
I agree with SadGirlfriend, do what is right for you. I think they will probably understand. Maybe just see how you feel on the night.
If ever there is a time to put yourself first, this is probably it.
Xx
Hello,
you are not being selfish.
Please do what is best for you.
I agree with @SadGirlfriend that it is unfair of your daughter to put pressure on you.
As many have stated on this site, it is impossible for others to understand how it feels unless they have experienced losing a partner/husband.
Take care xx
@Recentwidow
Tell your daughter how you feel, explain you may or may not be there on the night or you might need to leave early because the thought of ‘all that’ is completely, utterly overwhelming at the minute.
Don’t put pressure on yourself at this time, and nobody else should be putting pressure on you either!
If you feel up to it on the night, then go, but have an escape plan.
You could tell your daughter and partner you love them but would prefer to celebrate privately with them this time?
As the others have said, you really do need to look after yourself and do what’s right for you, go with your instinct.
Not sure I am replying to one of you or all of you! Your thoughts are the same as mine so thank you.
This daughter can be manipulative- her son ( my grandson) died aged 2 months almost 9 years ago on my birthday. Her reason why I should go to her sisters party is that she never feels like celebrating my birthday but she does. She fails to realise I don’t feel like celebrating my birthday either, and I feel her pain too. Plus her version of celebrating is giving me a card and present! I am not a party person, my last party was our wedding reception in 1984 ( unless you count my husbands wake 
)
Anyway I have woken up this morning feeling sick so I’m off to have a bath and do some yoga relaxation. I am actually smiling because their Dad would be totally agreeing with me and would have said exactly what you said “ if you dont feel like going you don’t have to”
What a difficult situation for you .
As mothers we are always trying to please and if you dont feel up to it hopefully your daughters will understand.
However if it would make things difficult not to go you could just go for a while and get a taxi or lift organised so you could leave early ?
Getting used to some people asking you how you are when you know that they are being polite(you can tell by the look in their eyes) is I find hard and it happens I am afraid in all situations .But the ones that truely want to know I find balances it out. Xxx
Thank you all. I told my daughter today that I was undecided and she was ok with that. She said she didn’t encourage her sister to”bully” me. One of my closest friends is going so she says she will drive me home early if I do go. I’m just fed up with grief! That’s the only way I can describe it. I don’t feel like anyone understand what it’s like to lose your life partner ( other than a cousin who lost her husband at 45) I will do what feels right for me! X
@Recentwidow I’m so glad to hear you’re doing what’s best for you. I hope you find a little bit of joy in the day x
Sending you big hugs good to see you can keep it open and that your daughters are being more understanding.
Grief is so hard to cope with has an overwhelming effect on your life .
I too feel fed up with grief which doesnt mean that I dont care and feel the sense of loss any lesr . Xxx