I lost the absolute love of my life in February to covid I am devastated we done everything together and I just don’t know how my life will ever be “normal” again. I can honestly say he was the nicest kindest funniest person I have ever met we were together ten fabulous years I don’t want to live half a life I am keeping myself busy everyday and can’t bare to be on my own with my thoughts . I cant even think about him its too painful so I am out all the time visiting anyone who will have me and blocking him out . What should I be doing I just don’t know what to do I cant accept it at all
2 Likes
Hi ang12
I’m so so sorry for your loss this is the worst possible pain to go through . I don’t think there are any rules to any of this everyone is different . We just need to cope best we can if it’s easier for you to block it out then do that .I lost the love of my life 15 weeks ago he was my world and one minute he was here the next gone I still can’t believe it . I’m the opposite to you I think about him every second of every day and read his texts emails look at his photo that I have everywhere I miss him so much and don’t think about too much just getting through every hour . You just have to do what you can there’s no right or wrong .
Please take care hugs to you
3 Likes
Dear Ang12
I lost my husband in September. He was killed whilst out riding on his motorbike. The first few months were just a blur. To be honest we each deal with grief differently and have to do whatever it takes to get us through each day. We have two adult kids and (now) two little grandsons so I keep myself occupied helping to look after them. The days when I am alone are so, so hard. I think of my husband even when with family or the odd occasions I meet up with a friend for a walk. Like Janeets I find myself looking at his photo and reading texts. My greatest worry is that people will forget him and that would be unbearable. He was a loving, kind person. Ten months on I still cry every day and go through all the different emotions that grief brings.
I am so sorry that you find yourself on this terrible journey. There is no right or wrong, there is no roadmap to tell us what we need to do. What I will say is keep posting on here, people listen, they do not judge and will provide support.
Take care.
3 Likes
My husband passed 9 weeks ago. I try to be out of the house as much as poss. What you are doing is called avoidance coping. It is what I do so that I am not overwhelmed by my feelings. I process a bit of my despair then get myself out or busy again until I am ready to process more feelings xx
2 Likes
Ang12.
Its so early on your bereavement. And i still struggle to look at anything regarding my husband, i lost him last year.
Its like that top up of photo,is so memory evoking …it just overwhelms me so much.
We are all different and our grief pattern can be all over the show.
I try and keep as busy and focused to.
For now it helps me to focus on keeping moving, spend as little time going over things,
Keep fighting my corner…and you keep fighting yours. God bless you.
2 Likes
I am so sorry for you its the most unbearable pain ever . That is exactly what I do I think I am frightened to think because It would send me over the edge. I have nothing left to give no strength to deal with the lovely memories right now they make me so sad to think of them. I am so busy I am exhausted but can’t stop because that’s when my thoughts start . Take care one day at a time and dont try and think of the future
1 Like
Hi Ang12,
I totally identify with the way you are trying to cope. I too try to arrange as much as possible - seeing people - have even planned a number of small trips on my own. Once I arrange things I then sometimes having a panic but I go ahead anyway. I find I can sometimes feel quite normal when I am around others but feel terrible on my own. A counsellor I am seeing described it as ‘controlled grief’. She didn’t say whether it was a good or bad thing! But as others here have said I think we all deal with this appalling situation the best we can and there is no right or wrong way.
Take care.
5 Likes
I do exactly this. I retired and then my husband died in bed one night and I am so lonely I fill my time /diary with visits to friends coffee lunch dinner I hate my house now it’s a prison so I have sold it snd moving hoping it will give me a new start but I will take him with me in my heart I want to join WI snd volunteering but some days I can’t get out of bed for crying I hope time is a healer as I count of the days feeling I survived another day!!! Is this living ???
1 Like
It’s the only kind of living we have right now. Maybe it gets better. Don’t know.
Barb11
1 Like
I always appear ok when I make myself meet up with friends it is like my guard goes up without me meaning to but then the minute I get in the car to drive home I cry all the way and a panic hits me the reality of it all. People say things like you’re doing well but I’m not im just pretending I am all day every day! Or people say you will get there … where is there? I don’t know i don’t know how I can ever feel ok without him . I am lucky I have a lot of friends although some are disappearing now as time goes on but I am still lonely as the one person I want to be with isn’t here . I will move forward for the people around me but I feel I am going to live half a life not the one I want the one I’ve have been given x it does help me reading all your responses on here to know I am not alone in this 
be kind to yourselves everyone getting up and ready is an achievement xx
2 Likes
I feel exactly the same. I am the great pretender. Nothing in my life is truthful anymore. I am wearing a mask and sometimes it slips and the tears are visible. I don’t think I will ever be the real Me again. It is all so false but we’ll acted.
2 Likes
I Meant well acted.
1 Like
I would love to share something kind of magical that happened to me when my Lenny passed. A couple of years ago on our wedding anniversary he framed a poem by EE Cummings entitled, “I Carry Your Heart with Me”. When he died last October, my sister sent me a bereavement basket which contained lovely inspirational items. Included in this basket was a small canvas pouch with a pink stuffed felt heart. I now can carry his heart with me everywhere I go
2 Likes