its nearly 3 months since I lost my wife suddenly and I am devastated, lots of tears and aching inside, but lately I have felt strange like I am in limbo because the tears have ceased and I cant describe how I feel anymore, I don’t want to feel like I am “moving on” because that makes me feel guilty, I have no motivation I have no idea what to do in the future, it doesn’t seem right/ normal to feel nothing and I don’t want people to think I am getting better and they can leave me alone now. does anyone else have these strange feelings?
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Believe me: Lots of people think they are going mad when they are bereaved. Bereavement is torture. It’s a situation that is simply stranger than fiction. You are having all the feelings that are normal. I mean, how can we lose a loved one and just go on as though it was a bad day, that day they passed? We are human and we have enough intelligence to mourn the loss of something or someone that made life on earth bearable. Isn’t it a good thing when you really think about it? What if you were glad the bereavement happened? I was saying to another person that I let my inner self or whatever you call it guide each day. I just went with whatever I felt like doing. I didn’t force anything. One hint is that looking around your home, is there anything that needs sprucing up? For example: I found planning for new blinds and then getting them, brightened both me and the house up so much more than I thought it would. But that didn’t happen until 8 months after the passing of my husband. Bereavement is like an illness that doesn’t have specific medication that takes it away, your natural abilities to heal have to be given time to work. Don’t forget to communicate with your loved one regularly in whichever way you like. Tell the loved one about your day and your feelings and your problems. I keep a photo of mine as the desktop picture on my Mac and chat away to it at times when I feel the need. Anyone looking in on me would think I was a nutter. But what else can we do? Best of luck and hang in there. It’s a matter of putting one foot after the other, and doing what we need to do each day. Don’t think about it, just get it done until hope comes back.
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Beautifully said, it is 8 months today that I lost my darling husband of 46 years. I’ve been carrying on a few traditions we both enjoyed together. It’s been very hard. I will spend Christmas Eve with our children and grandkids as we have always done. Won’t be the same for sure, we all know he’s with us always, guiding and protecting.
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O, grief is really unpredictable, one minute the tears stop & you feel numb, them a week later you can be back to square one, you think you’ve taken a step forward but then two back, you just go with how you feel knowing it’s the ups and down of grief.
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So yes, I do identify with all your feelings. Guilt is a big one for me too. I know my husband wouldnt want me to feel like this but it’s hard. It is there all the time. My family and I keep doing things together that my husband enjoyed and made possible for us to continue doing, that’s one of his legacies, his generosity, and it helps. Have you anything that you did together that you can share? It may be too soon for you but you will start to slowly want to revisit those memories. Sending my condolences.
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I know what you mean.
My John passed suddenly in March and was such a massive shock to me.
Like you and everyone else on here the pain of loss was absolutely unbearable and I didn’t know I had that many tears in me. I looked in the mirror and didn’t recognise me.
I tried to fill the void and I talked to him and myself constantly but then one day I realised I would never fill that void. I needed to just carry on as best I could.
Also I realised one day I hadn’t cried for a few days and felt guilty but then thought why should I feel that guilt, John would be happy I had just a moment of normality.
Sometimes I actually laugh as I used to with family and friends and at first felt it was wrong but it’s not, it’s good and it makes my family feel happier.
Yesterday I went to a bereavement service at church and they talked of letting the feelings flow and that can mean feelings of intense sadness, feelings of unhappiness and feelings of happiness and laughter.
Do not feel guilty, feel free to express all your different emotions, it’s all part of our long journey.
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thank you for your words, but I cannot go anywhere that we used to go because that makes me miss her even more and saddens me more
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thank you for your words, I would like to change things in the house such as removing her many clothes but that feels I am moving her away from me meaning that part of my life is now behind me and I hate that I want to feel we are still together
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I still am unable to go walking along the canal because it was our regular walks together. But I will try some time as I miss it and it will be a really nice place to remember him. I expect the ducks and geese must miss him too.
It took me a while to donate his clothing, and I have kept a few items that were a regular favourite of his. I feel his presence every day and imagine him commenting on my actions, some of which he wouldn’t approve of, and that makes me smile to myself. He will never leave even though his being isn’t here.
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I am trying to work up the courage to visit her grave, I haven’t been yet, I want to take her flowers but I don’t know if I will cope
If you don’t mind me asking how long was it before you could donate his clothes
My husband was cremated and his ashes are with my youngest daughter. I couldn’t face the thought of keeping them with me.
It was 6-7 months after he passed away, in stages though.
I just put some of my husband’s clothes in a bag for the charity shop his wardrobe is empty now. I’ve got a deep ache in my tummy but it needed to be done, it’s three years since I lost him, it doesn’t get much better.
I am alone now and it’s no fun at all, thank God for my little dog.
Take care everyone
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I found visiting the graves very frequently of my parents as they each died was the best way to get past the grieving. I went all the time. My husband had wanted cremation and I have his ashes at home with me. They don’t bother me, but because I don’t have that business of having to get to the cemetery and visit, it is a much harder grief process, but then he was a husband and a spouse is harder to grieve. I think visiting graves really frequently in those first months or whatever, gives you the feeling you are doing something for your loved one as the helplessness is part of the terrible aftermath of a death.
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Hi Peter72,
You are normal, we are all different people so we grieve differently. There is no wrong or right way. You just have to do what is the best for you.
I am over 10 months on this crap path. People say I look stronger and sound better. That is all part of the mask, I can still cry in the supermarket or in a coffee shop when I am sat by myself and a trigger hits me. The motivation is hard we have to some how find the new us , the trouble is I liked the old me with my wife.
Take care and please look after yourself.
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Other than talk to her daily, I have done three necessary things to make my wife, whom I lost in October, appear closer to me. Firstly, retrieved her ashes to home, Secondly, I sleep with her favourite scent on my pillow. Thirdly, have gone back over past holidays found the best portrait shots I could find of my wife and have surrounded myself with her beautiful looks from over a few decades. She never lost her youthful and elegant features and it just dissolves me but its the closest thing I can do to recreate some sort of presence in my life. Its my personal shrine and homage to my soulmate that
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Im feeling exactly the same. My husband died in August. I also feel numb . My children are so good but I feel the responsibility to not burden them. They sound so hopeful when they ask how I am, have I been out & I don’t want them to feel worse for me, when they’re grieving too.
Yesterday, I cleaned the house, today I can barely get off the couch .Everything seems pointless .
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I have found myself becoming a couch potato this last month, having to force myself to get up and out even if it’s just up to the local shops or to buy a bar of chocolate - another bad habit to start. Having lost lots of weight this year I am worried about comfort snacking. I hope you find some comfort this Christmas, take care.
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