Not now but was.
It is a stage.
I am doing what I want now.
I am getting myself back slowly. Somehow there has been a shift. Why I realised it I have suddenly stopped the need to message him every day. I can look at his photo now without crying. I can be more accepting.
I don’t think so much all day like before. I am only halfway away. I went to a funeral of his peer someone who was at school with him. I thought well had he lived he might have died by now anyway just lived longer.
I kinda thought he wouldn’t live to very old age.
I can’t imagine him lasting long as an amputee. Not at his age.
I think he would have struggled a bit longer. Probably tried to do something he couldn’t and made himself worse.
Hi Rose
I spend most of my waking hours now with my husband filling up my headspace.
I didn’t think about him so much before, as I went to work, I did other activities and I looked after the kids. We did lots together but I took those times for granted and didn’t cherish them as I now do.
I have started a few new hobbies as I am off work and have a lot of time on my hands now, and I can usually get a bit of relief from thinking when I am doing them, as they are not associated at all with my past life.
But I’ve found it hard to do many of the things I used to do before like reading, planning trips and watching tv and movies etc. often things we’d do together.
However the more I try to do for myself the worse I feel - so I now just try and let him in as much as happens - I can’t control it I don’t think but I just accept that this is how it will be for a while. Although I hate it.
So you are not alone in your thinking - I suppose we have to shift from “we” to “me” as I heard someone say. But when you’ve been so together it’s really difficult to separate all those links and connections.
I’m not sure if that makes any sense - am rambling again so I’d better go and walk the dog. She is looking at me very hopefully.
Roger fills my head all my waking hours, and probably while I sleep.
He’s the first thing I think about when I wake and the last before I go to sleep, and all the hours in between.
I am starting to cope a bit.
I’ve come to realise that I like being at home, our home. And I don’t seek company so much.
But when I am in company I talk about him constantly. Luckily my friends are very patient.
I still cry, a lot, but I am starting to control it quicker so I suppose thats another step forward.
So to stop rambling I guess I’m still ‘we’ and not ‘me’ so I’ve still got a long way to go.
Agreed on all you say. Same with me… 54 years married and now i don’t know who i am and i don’t like who i am either…just lost lost lost even though i am two years without him.
It is 19 months now.
I am now talking to myself more in my headspace saying come on you can do this on your own. Calm down think slowly and try to relax. Today I bought myself a lot of new art materials. I thought why not? I need to consolidate what I used to enjoy.
If I am on holiday alone then I will have a time my way. Doesn’t have to be twenty minutes quickie paintings now. I can take longer. I managed last year on holiday in my own but I was very nervous. I am trying to be more self sufficient. I will think of him a lot but not all the time. I still think of people I used to be close to before I met my husband.
We ask ourselves so many questions about what we feel and how we are behaving. Thinking we are alone.
I hope, by briefly explaining what I have and am experiencing, it will help in some small way to feel you are not alone.
I am sure many of you have had times when on top of grieving, one thing after another goes wrong, another problem crops up. Sometimes big things and sometimes small BUT it is too much.
It hits very, very hard. It can pull you further down the rollercoaster.
This is what happened to me.
We all react differently.
I felt guilty telling people how I felt, especially on here. I knew how people were struggling, had worries of their own.
However, I did write on here.
I am so very, very glad I did.
The support I had on here was amazing and definitely helped me when I felt so hopeless.
Please share on here. You will find this is not only a release for all your emotions but a supportive experience.
Oh Rose
You really must share even when you’re feeling as bad as you were.
It helps everyone to know that these feelings are in fact normal.
And don’t forget you’ve also been very unwell which exacerbates everything.
I’m so glad that everyone on here has helped you, like you help everyone
Hi rose
I know you’ve been having a hard time lately but do keep posting on here and don’t feel bad about it. Like you say it’s a great release and a way to get those feelings out.
We can all support you when you need it as you support others.
I know I put things on here that I can’t say to others. Mainly because I don’t want to burden them, or I think they won’t understand or they will think I’m absolutely crazy.
I’m also really struggling at the moment - 3 months in and it feels so much worse.
I suppose it’s reality setting in but I feel so lonely, even though I have my kids around me and I am trying to keep busy.
But my initial motivation to keep engaged with activities and friends and family has gone, and I just really want to be alone and shut the world out.
And like you say the sadmin goes on forever, and then things go wrong - my car has been in the garage 3 times in 3 months and needs a new windscreen as there’s a crack. Never had a chip or crack in 30 years of driving but it had to happen when my husband isn’t here to sort it.
Anyway I’m kind of wallowing maybe at the moment but am going to The Range with my daughter in a moment as she is looking for inspiration for her new flat.
I so wish time would pass quicker so we could grow that life around our grief just a bit sooner.
The pain for us all is so much.
Hi rose. Thanks for the encouragement- it really means a lot and helps so much.
I’ve been out and we got a few things which was good and we are going to be very lazy and get takeaway pizza tonight as a treat. To be honest I just wouldn’t bother with food but just as well I have kids at home as it makes me cook for them and I know I need to eat as I’ve lost so much weight.
I saw 2 people who I knew today in the shop and it made me realise how little I care about how I look nowadays as they looked so well . I No longer wear any make up and just tie my hair back and wear any old thing that is clean and comfy. That’s not a bad thing but just makes me sad that I don’t really care anymore.
I know I’m in a slump at the moment so am off to write a list of things I can do to help make me feel better. Y
Usually it’s exercise that helps me but I’ve noticed it doesn’t have the same impact that it used to have.
All you say is right about grieving and I know we have to go through it - it is just so hard isn’t it.
I think I am spending too much time thinking - I was listening to podcasts when I was out walking the dog and in the car which was a distraction, but I think I’ve been through every grief podcast ever made and I am now realising that a lot of them are about becoming a “better you”. I don’t want a better and new me - I think I was pretty ok when I was part of a couple. I don’t like the me that I am at the moment who is on her own and is becoming so introverted and preoccupied with my loss.
I hope I will re-find some of the past energy and love I had for life in the future.
I’m rambling again - sorry.
I really hope the rest of your day is ok. Have you anything planned for this evening ? Or tomorrow - I know Sundays are harder for you.
Gosh I haven’t had a gin for donkey’s years. I can’t drink alcohol because of prescription drugs and when driving so avoid it altogether mostly.
It has got very expensive now too.
Even non alcoholic drinks.
I feel very much the same as you. I don’t like the ‘me’ at the moment. Do not like the word widow. Hate people pitying me. I keep pretending he is still with me. I try and go for a walk every day and just pretend he is beside me. Wrap my arms around myself at night and just pretend its him. Its probably not healthy but I just want to pretend it never happened. When I bump into people whilst out I gloss over their enquiries and make some small talk about anything else. I still feel my love for him and still feel his love for me. Not ready to let go of my old life, but its only just been over 3 weeks. I liked that life - I/we were happy. All that happiness is now gone.
I’m definately still in this feeling over a year later. I feel like there was no life before her and theres no life after her, every waking minute is filled with her, missing her, sorting things out for her, being with my daughter who is literally her. Completely lost myself in grief, have no idea who i am or what im doing with my life, life is just autopilot. Youre not alone in this feeling x
So glad I don’t drink alcohol anymore, I would be a slobbering mess on the daily now.
Yes, our lives are consumed with the loss of our spouses. The loss takes over because we feel it in every nook and cranny of our lives as we knew them.
No one but a widow or widower could ever understand.
We get you. We all get you. We all get each other.
xx
, I hope getting out with your daughter helps a bit.