Am I wrong?

Losing a child
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Today, I wrote a letter to the person that took my son’s life. In that letter I let her know how much he meant and the pain she caused. I will never see him get married, have kids… I won’t ever get to see his smile, hear his laugh, him checking in on me, asking me what’s for dinner, his new cooked dinner dish… he was only 32…

I feel like I’m dying each day that passes, I miss everything about him. Its been two months and twelve days…

I attached his obituary to the letter… apart of me died the night I loss my son… I am miserable, angry, hurt, pissed off … the stages of grief is beyond me… I don’t know how to live without him… I needed her to know what she took from me… It was my closure knowing she will never be held accountable…

Am I wrong for sending her a letter?

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Hello, i am so sorry for your unimaginable loss,

there is no right or wrong,
i do not know the circumstances , i can not believe she does not hold herself to account, you have to be kind to yourself your loss is so raw, small steps is all you can do for now please take care of yourself and keep talking and connecting with people.

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Hello,

I completely understand how you are feeling and not knowing what, if anything at all, will make you feel like your child gets justice for the actions of another human being.

I lost my 18 year old daughter, 2 years ago and the circumstances are haunting me.

When she was 17 she was going through the typical teenage rebellion, like we all do & her father said she could go & live with him. She’d had type 1 diabetes since she was 3 so understandably I was worried out of mind he couldn’t look after her properly. He didn’t register her at a hospital or doctors & I felt he was just in it for the money I sent monthly, which she told me he didn’t use on her.

I begged her to come home but I was struggling myself after losing my cousin, my mum & then splitting up with my partner, within a few months.

Then the dreaded day came, where at 11pm at night, the police called & told me she had died. My ex husband called all his family, friends, her friends, my son, but sent the police to me at 11pm. She died at 6pm. Neither him nor his family told me themselves.

Thank god I was with a friend & not alone.

I visited my ex husband & his wife, all his family, the days after her death as my son was there too. I got such a terrible and cold reception. Her mother.

Then the abuse started, terrible messages on text & social media, from his family. They wiped her laptop, started arranging her funeral without me, blocked me out of her Facebook so I couldn’t read her friends messages & we argued over where the funeral would be.

I arranged it in her hometown after much arguing & abuse & they all refused to attend. Including convincing my son not to go either.

They dealt with the coroner & refused to inform me as to what had happened. I pushed & the coroner said that she told me ex husband that she felt ill in the morning & BIM & his wife went to work & left her. Finding her dead at 5pm when they returned home.

She was in my sole care for so long & I always get her to the hospital or stayed home when she was ill because I knew the risks & id seen her in a coma before. They just left her.

The whole year she lived with him, he refused to communicate with me nor did he look after her. I wanted him to take responsibility for his neglect but the coroner said as she was 18, she was an adult & should have managed her conditioner herself. How could she when she was in a hypo induced coma!!

I want to write to him as I feel he is carrying on with his life, being with his other 5 children & I can’t move on at all. My whole left has gone up in smoke.

I have a new partner but it’s hard to talk to her as she doesn’t have children & at times I feel she gets sick of the same story. This is one of the reasons I’ve just joined this group, to talk to people that know how I feel.

I do hope if you write the letter, you get some relief, even if it’s temporary.

I read once “you don’t have to forgive someone to heal” & I felt that. It’s a myth that you do. Somethings are so painful that you can’t forgive & probably won’t ever. That does not mean that you can’t try to heal from some of it.

Much love

Donna

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Thank you for sharing your story with me. I am so sorry for your loss and I can only imagine the grief you must feel.

My son was hit by a car crossing the street. The lady that hit him with her car had the right away but bystanders clearly stated she was speeding and she was not going to stop… had it not been for bystanders screaming she hit. I was told that her speed was not a factor due to my son running across the street. He was 32 years old out celebrating his promotion.

I’m so angry, so, so very angry… how could someone just take a persons life and go on with theirs… I needed her to know who he was, what she took from me. I needed her to put a face to the person she killed, my son, my everything… the pain we feel everyday…

Thank you again for sharing your story. Being on this site has helped me through some really tough days… I don’t feel too alone.

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I appreciate your message. My son was 32 years old and he was hit by a car as he ran across the street. Because it was her right away my son basically was at fault even though she was speeding, even though bystanders stated she kept driving until other’s screamed for her to stop. Her careless attitude left me so very angry… I wanted her to know who my son was, how pain she left us all in…

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I think all of that is a normal reaction. No one really talks about the amount of anger you carry during grief & it is made much more complicated by a death that could have been so easily avoided. I think it’s harder to process when you know the death if your child was “caused” by another human beings behaviour. Even harder when, like you say, they are carrying on with their lives & you are struggling daily to cope with yours.

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