Thank you all so much for your support I wish you all well and I hope we all find a path out of the emotional turmoil we face.
Lesley is slipping away a little a day . I am trying to get things straight in my head. When at home the day before she went into st Luke’s she would have periods of being awake although not quite the proud strong lady she was. But still with us. Now she is hooked up to a syringe driver which pumps relaxing and pain killers into her automatically. She’s not awake at all. Sleeping she looks peaceful but I was not expecting that. I was expecting some time to speak to her and hold her hand and maybe a last game of scrabble ( she usually wins) but she is just laying there now and I think she has just given up now she is in a place where that can care for her and she as she told me is not a burden to me.That was never the case. I would have carried on caring for her at home as long as I could.
I asked a question which has not been answered … Lesley told me if she was not in too much pain she would want to be awake. If she was in lots of pain she would want to be asleep. She was in pain and felt anxious so they gave her the meds and put her to sleep. I was not there at the time. Now I am feeling awful as they now have the pain and anxiousness under control that she cannot be asked how the pain is. Maybe she would want to wake up and have the pain controlled… I don’t know I think it’s me being selfish and not being able to talk to her, her sleep is deep she can hear me I hope but her hand is just limp and unresponsive.
Maybe I just don’t want her to slip away like this. I know it’s the cancer, I know she was given just six weeks I know it’s inevitable that she will pass.
After 28 years I know I have a fear of being alone. I don’t want her to go, Maybe I am just not being rational at the moment … It’s so hard for me. I whispered in her ear and read her a little poem I wrote I have told her it is okay to let go…I just wanted a little response a squeeze of my hand a little smile in her sleep… something to know she heard me.
Bless you all keep coping as best you can and thank you for your comforting words.
Hi Setch.
Our circumstances seem very similar. I’m 70 and was with my partner for 28 years. She passed away last Oct. also from cancer. She too was on syringe drivers for the pain and close to the end to relax her. She was in a hospice but desperately wanted to pass away at home. I and the family fought to allow her to get her wish. Thanks to the staff at the hospice, her oncology nurse at the hospital and the GP we managed it. She was conscious for 2 days and then similar to your partner I believe she was given extra medication for the pain knowing that she would then pass away peacefully. I’m getting very tearful writing this as the thoughts of that time come back to me. My very best wishes to you. My thoughts are with you. Continue posting on here because no one who hasn’t experienced this really understands like the people in this group.
As to the question you asked. Don’t torment yourself believe, as I did, that the medical staff are doing what’s necessary to make her comfortable. My thoughts are with you. It’s very hard, isn’t it.
Setch, I’ve been though it recently with the syringe driver etc. They didn’t give my wife enough sedative and she kept waking slightly and crying, which was hugely upsetting for me and the family. Many times we had to call the nurse back to increase the dose. On one occasion my wife tried to say something to me but the words would not come. It was awful and perhaps you are fortunate that your wife is calm and quiet under the circumstances.
Sending you love and strength and keep on this site life is so tough thinking of you xx
thanks every one. Sadly Lesley passed away yesterday at 12:45 pm a bright sunny day but the darkest moment in my life.
Just the day before as she slept I told her it was okay to go if she was ready.
She never woke up just drifted off peacefully as she wanted to. No pain I am thankful for that.
I now have a massive deep dark pit that I need to try and climb out of. I promised her that I would be strong.
Lord only knows how I am going to achieve that and do as I promised her.
I will do my best but this is going to be a rough ride I think .
Setch, I’m sorry to hear that. Roll with the emotion, don’t try to supress it. It will be tough, good luck.
I’m so sorry for your loss setch your partner passed away exactly the same as mine, peacefully. I’m afraid to tell you you’re quite right it is and is going to be tough for you but time helps a little bit but it’s something that I don’t think you ever get over. Thinking of you. Peter.
Hello Setch, so sorry for your loss, I was with my Carole for 28 years before she passed on April 29th.
Being at peace and not in pain near her final moments is a blessing I believe and hopefully Leslie could hear your words at some level, I like to believe my wife could hear the love I said to her. She did look serene and beautiful which gives me some comfort that she passed on peacefully.
Since then my life has turned upside down and I found the first few weeks so hard and emotional. I did drink for a while until I realised it wouldn’t be what my Ca wanted so managed to stop that.
Forums like this have helped and also counselling, being able to talk or write about your feelings have helped me understand my grief better and why my brain is working like it is.
I think as Ed said, don’t try to supress your emotions, I still have a few tears most days about the injustice of it all but also realise that I need to find a purpose and hopefully get to a place where i can remember my Ca with a smile.
Personally I am in a much better place which is also due to hypnotherapy, this has sorted out my sleep issues and calmed down my emotions, I am reaching out to people (quite alien to me) as I know this helps for me.
I am also living day to day and not thinking about the future to much at the moment.
Ultimately we all react in different ways, I have found not putting too much pressure on myself is helping and I like to think Ca would understand this.
You no doubt have some beautiful memories of you and Leslie, I hope that you can at some point look back with love and cherish those times you had together with feelings of joy and happiness.
I am getting tearful writing this, I truly hope you find a way forward but for now it may be just small steps.
Joe x
Thanks Joe
It is very difficult for all of us in this situation grief in some ways like a cancer eating way at you mentally.
my grieving began the day the specialist told her that she had but a few weeks to live. Now it’s heavier than ever knowing we will not share things together.
Pottering around the empty house is awful. I still have Charlie our old retriever who is a blessing looking after him is helping me a little.
I also bought a couple of fruit trees which lesley chose and am clearin a space in the garden for them to go into .
I will put a bench there as well so I can sit. I am slo going to make her old hunter wellies into a type of plant pot and put her favourite summer flowers in each year.
all diversion and distractions to help me through it all.
I like you miss my partner so much likewise we were together for 28 years.
Keep up the fight for happiness. I know Lesley is out there in the ether watching me. so I had best do my best. You too!
Take cAre
I feel exactly the same way. My mum passed away 2 months ago at home and she too had a syringe driver. For me, it was such a shock to see her slip into unconsciousness like that. I too feel of it was the right thing to do and I think about it daily. I miss her so much and the pain is unbearable and I feel so guilty at times for putting her into such a state. Whilst looking after I had feeling of resentment which now haunt me and now I feel so much guilt for feeling like that. I can’t belive she said gone and I have moments of realization which send me into a panic. I font know how manage these feelings because I feel so alone and that if I keep going on like this people just think I’m maudlin.
Setch, I had a similar experience a year ago w my Jim. He was admitted to hospital on the Monday in great pain w twisted bowel. He was not expected to die. He was immediately put onto morphine. I didnt understand the gravity till the Friday, he died on the Saturday. While in hospital he spent the whole week, smiling at me, insanely. I didnt get it or understand. Staff 'too busy". The pain of no ‘goodbyes’ and no conversation, is still raw.
I can only reconcile the whole event as, it was kinder to relieve his pain, than to have goodbyes w me and family.
It is so very hard, I never envisaged a parting like this. I do understand your feelings. I have some good days and try distractions but I have to admit, I feel cheated. I hope you can find some peace and you are not alone w these thoughts, pain versus precious relief, should I say release.