Well I was doing better than usual before today. My darling wife temporarily separated from me on 27th May, 2022 at 01:14.
Today I found some texts on her phone when she had just started cyber knife surgery on her brain cancer in January 2022 that had spread there but they seemed optimistic and our hopes were high.
I heard the excitement in her “voice” and mine as we typed to each other as I waited in another room as they prepared her than she had the treatment we had such high hopes for.
This was just 2 1/2 months earlier (21st October, 2021) being told the lung cancer nodule surgery was successful and the CT scan showed it was clear. Then in December 2021 she had a major tonic seizure where we were told a PET showed it was now in both lungs, spine and metatised in her brain.
She had just 1 treatment of immunotherapy before being told on her own they never called for to be there
It had spread
There was nothing they could do
They were stopping all treatment
She was being sent home for home hospice care leading onto end of life care,
Then cruelly it all accelerated and my love was no longer by my side.
How can just reading a few texts bring it all back so vividly, so much pain out the blue, that has lasted most of today and leaving me in emotional pain & tears as if it was yesterday?
Why am I repeating all this? Why is it seeming like yesterday and so raw again? I’m supposed to be slowly getting better but this pain is awful.
God I still trust in you but it’s so painful right now, please bring me peace and everyone else hurting here.
Shalom john (and marian)
Mizpah my beloved xXx