An unusual kind of grief

Last October, I lost my ex-husband. We had been divorced for about a year at that point but we were still very good friends. See, when we separated, we were still in love. Unfortunately, his addiction problems were too much for me to deal with after 13 years. We parted ways but promised to look out after each other especially since we had moved out of state after we were married and had no family nearby. We talked or texted almost daily. If one of us was in a jam, we’d help the other out. It was a very different type of relationship but one that I cherished.
He had a heart attack. He didn’t die right away but coded a few times and lost oxygen to the brain. When he got to the hospital, I was called because I was still listed as his emergency contact. He was on life support. After calling his family, they decided to take him off and asked me to be there to hold his hand. I of course said yes. I couldn’t let him die alone. I needed to be there when this beautiful man took his last breath.
I cried for weeks. I grieved for many more weeks. And while I thought I was doing good, I still find myself thinking of him every day. Not for a minute or two, but for longer periods. Sometimes many times a day. I miss him terribly. I live alone and when I’m feeling really lonely, I just start talking to him…asking him why he left…wishing he was still here. I’m functioning well, I think, I go to work, trying to have a social life (although dating hasn’t gone well) I still occasionally cry myself to sleep because I miss talking to him. I miss the inside jokes. I miss telling him my work stories that only he knew about. I miss his voice. His laugh. My kind of grief isn’t the kind that I can talk to people about. Ex-husband? Most people wish for the death of their exes, not mourn them. But here I am. Missing him every single day in a way that I feel that no one can comprehend.
This really sucks. Will this ever get better?

Hi, sorry that you are in a situation where you need to join this group. I don’t find it strange that you are grieving for the man you divorced because you still loved him and you had serious reasons why you weren’t together. Love is stronger than words on a piece of paper. Everyone on here is grieving and it’s hard like a physical pain sometimes. Take care of yourself. X

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I think after reading this, people must split up not because they do not love each other but for other reasons.

there are married couples who fall out of love.

however, in your case the love was there … just for other reasons, a separation. love is love whether legally bound, or not.

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I reckon most of us talk to whoever has died. I do it all the time, probably more than when we were together :smile:.

And the grieving does come to the end, although you cant see it coming until you get there. Try to be positive, rejecting those negative thoughts and replace them with all those happy ones which have become temporarily buried.

It’s 14 weeks for me and my life is well back on the rails now, but that doesnt mean I dont think of Penny, I do all the time, and occasionally have a tear or two, but the vast majority of time I think happily of what we had and did. Life is good again, just not the same. It takes time to get all our ducks back in a row, and a lot of stress disappears when we do. Some ducks are just plain 'ornery, aren’t they! OOPS I’m talking American now!!!
She would want that, as I would for her!
Cultivate being positive and confident, but it needs effort and practice.

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I don’t think it odd at all. I’m still in touch with my ex from many years ago. In fact, a call with him helped my misery last week. He’s a lovely man but I, too, couldn’t cope with the problems he had. His second wife did a much better job of dealing with him but he lost her after only about ten years. I still and always have since our divorce loved him like a brother - we’ve known each other now for 44 years. I completely understand your pain and sympathise.