Hi All,
I managed to get myself a temp job locally. First day today, only I ended up having a panic attack. I training on the phones and a gentleman called in that triggered me. I remembered how dad would be calling in to organisations. It wasn’t the voice on the other side, more how he handled the call and that was it, I was in tears, breathing erratic etc.
To make things worse my toxic sister is telling my mum she needs to sell the house (where my sister and I live) and I should buy them out (monopoly money won’t work) and mum should live with my sister or brother, only I won’t be given the address. Mum isn’t keen with living with either therefore I guess my sister will continue to live here.
My sister is really toxic (we don’t speak at all since Sept). She has been super difficult with my mum this weekend because mum was talking to me. They ostracise me since dad passed at the end of April this yr. I was concerned when I started this job it would bring them even closer and it has. I know I can’t control this but I feel like it’s a flat share with enemies.It’s all too much. They don’t care that I have PTSD or trauma, they are not interested.
Mum only wants the estate sorted and the money. Mum and dad had a dysfunctional marriage, loyal but she put so much pressure on him.
I just feel so emotional tonight, alone with my thoughts. It’s hard to lift myself up. They don’t want me involved in anything unless it serves my mum. I just want my dad back and that’s never going to happen. It’s an empty existence without any love or support. If I voice anything to mum it’s manipulated and turned on me…I’m the awkward one. I’m held to a higher standard than my brother and sister because my mum is scared of the other two. She won’t even come into my room because her slippers clank on the wooden floors and my sister will hear her! If I say anything my mum sighs at me.
Ever feel like running away only where to, doing what?
I just need to empty these thoughts somewhere among people that might get it.
Thanks for listening,
Sam