Anger over lack of support after losing my Mum

I lost my Mum at the start of November. Her death was very sudden and unexpected. My father and I were with her when she died.

Since then (6 weeks), we’ve had very little support from family. As an only child, I’m providing the majority of emotional support for my Dad. I’m very grateful to have an incredibly supportive husband, but neither my Dad nor I have very many friends. We’ve simply run out of real-life people that we can ask (and will actually provide support). As such, I’ve been desperately trying to get support from various organisations, with little success. The last few days have been particularly difficult, and I’ve been left feeling very angry and isolated. I don’t want to share this with my Dad as he has enough on his plate having lost his wife and best friend.

My main worry right now is that I’m struggling with the energy and resilience I need to support my Dad. I feel like I’m falling apart. I’m hugely resentful of the whole situation and I know I need help. But the ‘system’ seems determined to keep this help from me. This is what I’ve tried so far…

I called Samaritans, only for the person at the other end to suggest I try to speak to my Mum’s GP. When I questioned the relevance of this (I know why my Mum died and her GP is not my GP), the line went dead.

I spoke to two different people at Cruse. The first of which asked me to share memories of my Mum with them - I refused as I don’t know that person from adam. They suggested I wasn’t ready to get any support because I wouldn’t talk to them about my mum. I explained that I’m not prepared to discuss my mother’s personal details with a stranger, and have had no trouble talking about memories of my Mum with my Dad, my husband, a few online friends. I even did a reading at the funeral. Apparently that wasn’t enough for that so-called counsellor.

The second person at Cruse just went round and round in circles. I decided to be more upfront with what I needed from them, but we just didn’t get anywhere. They just kept referring me to online resources (which I’m already using) and group therapy (which won’t work for me as I have severe social anxiety). In the end, I simply thanked them for their time, even though it was a complete waste of mine and theirs.

I’ve been calling the local Cruse office, but no-one ever answers. I don’t want to leave a message for a call back because I’m not good with unexpected telephone calls.

I then called a local ‘talking therapy’ NHS service who I’ve used before. I explained that I just wanted to be able to talk to someone regularly for the next few months so that I can ask specific questions. At first, this seemed really positive but they came back and only offered online resources and group therapy. I explained why this won’t work for me and they said they would call me back. But I’m still waiting.

So many places (SR included) seem hesitant to give any support until two months have passed since the death. I understand why they say this, but I feel like I’m in a difficult position. If I wait two months, I’ll have to deal with: her death, the funeral, contracting Covid at the funeral and being unable to see my Dad for two weeks (I have a chronic illness, so covid has done a real number on me), the first Christmas without my Mum, my Mum’s birthday, and my own 40th birthday. The timing of her death couldn’t have been much worse.

Am I just being really unlucky with getting support? I honestly can’t see how I’m going to get through the next few weeks without external support and still be able to be the primary support for my Dad.

Please, please, if anyone knows a way that I can get some help, I’d really appreciate it.

Dear @HMJ

Thank you for reaching out to us. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your mum and for what you are going through.

Have you considered talking to your GP (not your mum’s) to see how they can fully support you and guide you to organisations that you have not contacted that can be of help to you. Let your doctor know how you are feeling. You sadly have been recently bereaved. They may have a list of resources and contacts in your local area that can give you the support you need.

Sue Ryder offer the following resources which may be of help and support to you in the meantime.

  • Grief Guide which contains information to help you understand and cope with your bereavement and grief.

  • Our Grief Coach text service, which sends you personalised text support via SMS

I do hope these will be of help to you and that you will get the support you need. I really hope you find the community to be a support to you, too. You are not alone.

Take care.


Hi Pepsi,

My GP surgery has confirmed that I’ve tried all the support services they would normally direct me towards. Sadly I cannot get an appointment to speak to a GP in person until 23rd January.

I appreciate your links, but I really need to speak with someone 1:1. I have specific questions that can’t be answered by static guides (and I’ve tried a few!) or by chat functions, as I’ve tried those too.

Hello @HMJ, I’m sorry you’re not able to speak to your GP until January. Another option may be private counselling, as they don’t have the same criteria in place as organisations do. You can find a counsellor via Counselling Directory. I do understand though that this isn’t an option for everyone.

The AtALoss website also lists support that’s in your area, if you wanted to check what else might be available.

I can hear your frustration when you’ve tried so hard to reach out for support; I really do hope you find what you need to help right now. As @Peppers says, the community is here for you too.

Take good care,


I’m so sorry to hear about the very sad loss of your Mum and the lack of support available, but it’s good to know that you have a very supportive husband - not everybody has that. I too am an only child and I lost my Mum in 1991 and the person who helped me the most was my Best Friend. Very sadly, she too passed away last year. I never married due to having a controlling Dad who was not supportive to my Mum. My Mum was of a nervous disposition and therefore relied on me to support her. When my Best Friend passed away last year I was devastated and did not know if I would be able to carry on, we had been Best Friends for 52 and a half years - I had left my home to stay with her and look after her for the previous 18 months as she had Ovarian Cancer. Luckily I managed to find an excellent private counsellor and she has helped me a lot. If you can afford it, I would recommend that you do the same - it’s worth every penny, but it has to be somebody you can have a rapport with. Have a look around the qualified counsellors in your area and go with your gut feeling - that’s what I did. God only knows what would have happened if I hadn’t.
I’m here if you want my help - am thinking of you

Hi Again HMJ,
What area are you in? I’m in NW London.