I am angry, really angry with everything sand everybody around me. I am angry at being alive, angry at getting no support whatsoever from anybody, angry that a rare cancer took away my soul mate, angry that my family don’t want to know, don’t care about me, will not support me, angry that I am totally alone in the world, angry that nothing I try works, angry that I can’t deal with life , angry that I’ve lost the one person who I lived for, angry that I’m being told that I can’t go to be with her, angry that my full body scan did not show cancer, angry that I probably have years left to live.
My anger has taken over to the extent that I can’t sleep, can’t think straight, can’t function properly. Angry that I am forced to live in a world I don’t want to be in.
The only thing that I am not angry with is that my soulmate Mary left me. She had no choice, cancer took over and killed her,. In so doing it killed me and there is no future for me. Every single second of every single day all my thoughts are are focused on wanting to be with Mary. I do not want to stay alive to be completely on my own with nobody physically around me who cares enough to be close. I’m grateful for on line friends but I have no physical (if that is the right word) friends. My only family are abroad and are cold towards me, refuse to come to support me and fail to understand my nightmare. Apart from forums I am alone. I’ve posted on other threads and yes I do get responses and messages but then I can’t deal with them. I’m 4 months into widowhood but I had the previous 6 months trying to cope with Mary’s cancer all by myself, trying to be strong for her, just as she was trying to be strong for me. We had one Macmillan visit and the person who came worked from a tick list. I begged for a named person to be there for us, but was bluntly told that Macmillan no longer do emotional support as they are a victim of their own success. I beeged the GP for Marie Curie support but was told it was not appropriate. So yes I am angry, anger at the world and everybody in it. I’m lashing out everywhere because I want to die. I want to go to Mary. Together we fought the world and made social history. We endured discrimination of the seventies and we made history on the day we were the first in Manchester to publicly declare our love and have a civil partnership. We went on to convert to a marriage last December. I’m angry that Mary was my wife for only 6 months, had only just got used to the word wife. angry that she’s not here, angry that her cancer was a rare one and aggressive at that.
I’m angry at the whole world. My anger has taken over and nothing works, counselling, befriending, going to groups, meeting people, social worker. nothing works because I don’t want it to work. I want to be with Mary and lash out at those who try to help me. My life began and ended with Mary.