Anger

Looking to the future
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I am angry, really angry with everything sand everybody around me. I am angry at being alive, angry at getting no support whatsoever from anybody, angry that a rare cancer took away my soul mate, angry that my family don’t want to know, don’t care about me, will not support me, angry that I am totally alone in the world, angry that nothing I try works, angry that I can’t deal with life , angry that I’ve lost the one person who I lived for, angry that I’m being told that I can’t go to be with her, angry that my full body scan did not show cancer, angry that I probably have years left to live.

My anger has taken over to the extent that I can’t sleep, can’t think straight, can’t function properly. Angry that I am forced to live in a world I don’t want to be in.

The only thing that I am not angry with is that my soulmate Mary left me. She had no choice, cancer took over and killed her,. In so doing it killed me and there is no future for me. Every single second of every single day all my thoughts are are focused on wanting to be with Mary. I do not want to stay alive to be completely on my own with nobody physically around me who cares enough to be close. I’m grateful for on line friends but I have no physical (if that is the right word) friends. My only family are abroad and are cold towards me, refuse to come to support me and fail to understand my nightmare. Apart from forums I am alone. I’ve posted on other threads and yes I do get responses and messages but then I can’t deal with them. I’m 4 months into widowhood but I had the previous 6 months trying to cope with Mary’s cancer all by myself, trying to be strong for her, just as she was trying to be strong for me. We had one Macmillan visit and the person who came worked from a tick list. I begged for a named person to be there for us, but was bluntly told that Macmillan no longer do emotional support as they are a victim of their own success. I beeged the GP for Marie Curie support but was told it was not appropriate. So yes I am angry, anger at the world and everybody in it. I’m lashing out everywhere because I want to die. I want to go to Mary. Together we fought the world and made social history. We endured discrimination of the seventies and we made history on the day we were the first in Manchester to publicly declare our love and have a civil partnership. We went on to convert to a marriage last December. I’m angry that Mary was my wife for only 6 months, had only just got used to the word wife. angry that she’s not here, angry that her cancer was a rare one and aggressive at that.

I’m angry at the whole world. My anger has taken over and nothing works, counselling, befriending, going to groups, meeting people, social worker. nothing works because I don’t want it to work. I want to be with Mary and lash out at those who try to help me. My life began and ended with Mary.

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Hi Stockdalecarina,

I’m the community manager here and I just wanted to drop you a line to say welcome and let you know someone had read your post. Hopefully some of our members will be along in a little while to reply.

I’m so sorry to hear that you have lost your wife and soulmate Mary, and for all of the anger that you’re feeling, which is totally understandable. Your post is so full of emotion and speaks so vividly about your sense of loss.

It is so sad to read that you’ve not had good support, either from organisations, or from your own family. This site is here for you as a place to vent your honest emotions if you need to.

There are many other members here who have also lost a spouse or partner and will understand some of what you are feeling. For example, in this conversation, you can find posts by Libby, Sally and Cristina, who echo some of your feelings about not wanting to carry on without their loved ones: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/how-does-one-cope-pain-and-loneliness

You mention that you have online friends but not offline ones, so I wondered if you had heard of Way Up? It is an online forum for people who’ve lost a partner, but it also aims to enable them to meet up with other members in their local area.

Keep posting here if you feel able to and let us know how you are doing.

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Dear Stockdalecarina

I am so very sorry and totally understand your feelings. I too lost the light of my life 5 months ago. John my husband was my world, my best friend. We moved up nearer Manchester way from the south and haven’t really made any friends here, only a couple of work colleagues willing to help.I do have a sister who lives near by. My sister can be very helpful, but I don’t think she realises just how lonely and miserable my life is. Like most people when they ask how are you they really expect you to say ‘I’m fine’ so that’s exactly what I say.

It’s so obvious you loved Mary very much and of course you feel angry and want to lash out at everyone and everything. It’s only natural.

Have you tried counselling. I go to the hospice for counselling every week. I’ve never had counselling before and would never have thought it was my cup of tea but seriously although at first it doesn’t seem to you will find it does help.

One thing I was advised to do was write a letter. Try writing a letter to Mary explain everything; tell her how you feel, your love for her, your anger at the system that let you down, all your frustrations. Believe me it does help.

I a log from the night before John passed away right up to the funeral and my feelings. I then wrote John a letter and now it’s like a log. Everyday there’s an entry even if it’s just a couple of lines or sometimes a few paragraphs. It helps me communicate with John albeit it’s one sided.

On the 5th month I re read John’s letter which I’d read the night he passed away but I’d been bawling my eyes out so much I didn’t take it all in. I wish I’d read it again long before. In it John says he’ll always be with me and his love and guidance will always surround me, and when my time comes he will be there to help me.

What I’m trying to say is you are Not alone; even if Mary didn’t have time to write she is most definitely there with you every step of the way all through your life. Love like yours can never die. Read an article in the Daily Mail last Saturday by Laura Lynne Jackson she passed on messages from the Other Side to loved ones and each one said the same - their spirit is with their loved ones here on Earth. I wouldn’t personally go to talk to a psychic or clairvoyant but I thought it was interesting to know. I do feel John is with me and I talk to him all the time, even when I’m out.

As for wanting to be with Mary. Yes I too hope and pray everyday I won’t have long to be with John. We just need to bide our time. I found it extremely hard to accept that a big part of my life just suddenly disappeared. It leaves a big hole and life seems so bleak and worthless. Our priorities change; all the things we once thought were important don’t seem important any more. I don’t know how I’ve survived these last 5 months, I count the days, minutes and seconds and yes John is on my mind every minute of the day.

All you can do is try and take one day at a time. It will be a robotic existence I’m sorry I can’t give you any false hopes all I can say is I feel your pain and understand exactly what you are going through.

It helps to vent your anger and frustrations so don’t hold back. Everyone here understands so don’t every feel you’re on your own.

I hope you and pray you will find the strength and courage to cope with your loss, pain and anger.

God Bless
Libby x

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Hi Libby, thanks for your reply. I am in the Manchester area, halfway between Manchester and OIdham. I would love to meet up with you, if you are willing.

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Hi Stockdalecarina
I’d love to meet up with you. I do work full time and don’t drive so that only leaves the weekends I’m afraid. Due to half term and transport problems to work my sister has insisted i stay at hers next week to cut down on the long walk for alternative lifts. John’s son and his partner are coming up next weekend. Perhaps the Saturday or sunday after next. I could get the bus to manchester or if you could meet me in Ashton that would be better still.
Libby

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I don’t drive either although I have inherited a car that sits on the driveway. I am retired. However weekends are difficult for me as it would mean leaving the dog in a crate for too long. It’s a shame you are not available during the week as that would be ideal for me. Rosie is at doggy daycare Monday to Friday so it leaves me free. However you are not available during the week. Looks like this is going to be difficult to arrange. Do you have any free days coming up when you have a day off.

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This is difficult as you day. I returned to work too soon and a couple of months later got really stressed. Didn’t want to get signed d off work so agreed with the office to take 2 weeks from next year’s leave. So I’m afraid I don’t have any days I can take off. So sorry about this.

How are you today? Did you get much sleep last night? I finally managed to sleep but still wake up several times in between. Visiting the grave helps too. I couldn’t go yesterday as it rained all day but went this morning; it’s so peaceful there.

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had a better day today after a reasonable night’s sleep. My social worker got the GP to double the dosage of my medication so maybe that helped. I also had a visit today from a member of the crisis team and was able to have a good chat

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I’m so pleased yoi managed to get some sleep, thats a good start. It always helps to have a good chat, no good bottling things up. Hope you sleep well tonight. I’m at my sister’s now; feels a bit strange.

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I can fully understand your feelings because I’ve been there. I lost my husband nearly 5 years ago to prostate cancer and I blamed his consultant for wasting time and making the wrong decisions. I was very angry because, like you, I’d lost the one person I lived for. I complained about the consultant and I told him I was angry. It didn’t help. A year ago, I found out the consultant was sacked from the hospital. A great weight was lifted from my shoulders. I still feel devastated but the anger has gone. I can only hope something like that takes your anger away. Like you, I had no family to support me and I felt deserted by most friends. I was angry at that too. I joined groups like U3A and made new friends. Nothing can replace what we’ve lost but you have to find things to get you through the day. It has been a really hard 5 years and the thought of it going on for more years scares me. I don’t know how long you have been without your soul mate but time does dull the feelings. You might find talking to others in a similar position helps or even go to counselling. I found that helped too. Kind regards, Marianne

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Hi Marianne,

I’m the community manager here, and I just wanted to say welcome and thank you for posting.

I’m so sorry to read about the loss of your husband 5 years ago, and all the anger and loneliness that you have been through. I am glad that the anger did lift when you found out the consultant had been sacked.

Thanks so much for taking the time to share your experiences and what helped you with others on this site.

We know that there is no timeline on grief and that your loss is still with you. This site is here for you if you want to talk about your feelings and get support. There are lots of members here who do understand. For example, in this discussion, you can read posts by Libby, Sally and Cristina about the loss of their husbands: https://support.sueryder.org/community/coping-death-loved-one/how-does-one-cope-pain-and-loneliness

If you have any questions about the site, just give me a shout on online.community@sueryder.org

Take care,
Priscilla

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Thank you Priscilla. Kind regards, Marianne.

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As it is five weeks since you joined our Community, I thought I’d check out how you are doing now. I was very moved when I read your story - you obviously had a wonderful relationship with your wife Mary, despite facing numerous difficulties along the way! I am not surprised that you felt so angry and alone when she died - and since then it has been so tough for you, without support from family and friends. As I expect you will have found by now, there is no ‘easy fix’ that anyone can offer you, but I hope that by sharing your feelings with others through this Online Community, you will find some serenity in your life. We are thinking of you.

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thank you for following up on this. I’ve just finished 6 counselling sessions but they haven’t helped me. I’m trying to find a bereavement group in my area and have contacted a local hospice who are looking into it. I’m also trying to get a referral to a psychologist from my GP. I’ve been assessed by MIND who say they cannot offer any support and I got the same response from The Society of Civil Servants. (I am a retired civil servant). So I’m still struggling and still not getting anywhere. I still feel that at some future date I will be going to Mary if I can’t access the kind of support I need, or if it is just not available. I’ve had a good think about making new friends and decided it’s not an option for me. I never learned how to make friends as a child, so have never had a close friend. I wouldn’t know where to start or who to trust.

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Hi stockdalecarina,

It’s good to see you back on the site, but sorry to hear that your counselling sessions haven’t been helpful. It probably feels exhausting to have tried several options and found that they didn’t work out for you - but you are doing so well at keeping on trying.

It sounds like you have a couple of good options with the hospice and the GP - I really hope these work out for you. What hospice is it, if you don’t mind saying?

It is sad to read that you don’t feel you will be able to make new friends, but I can understand that it feels really difficult after spending so long with just you and Mary.

A support group might be a good starting point, as it would let you talk to people who’ve been through similar experiences, without an expectation that you would have to make friends if you didn’t want to.

Would Way Up be another option you’d consider? http://www.way-up.co.uk/ It’s an online forum for widows, but with a focus on helping members organise meet-ups in their local area.

While you are searching for the right kind of support, remember you can always ring the Samaritans, to speak to someone quickly. They’re available 24/7 on 116 123 (or email jo@samaritans.org). They are not just there for people who are at the point of harming themselves - they are there for anyone who needs to talk and get support.

Keep posting - we’re thinking of you.

Priscilla

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Hi you mention you have had counselling sessions was this through Cruse? They often have drop in sessions that you maybe to attend.

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Hello Stockdalecarina,

I am sending you this message to let you know that you are not alone - even though you may feel like it at the moment! I am sure that you are finding it hard, missing having Mary with you, to share this Christmas. It must be such a painful time for you. I just hope that you are able to think of the wonderful life you shared with her, even though it was cut short far too soon. Please try and be strong - I am sure that you can feel Mary’s presence around you. Kind regards, Jackie x