I lost my 26 year old son in aug 2022. He had a head on collision on his motorbike with a car. Im struggling with depression & anxiety which i had before, but now ptsd.
A friend ive known since i was in my 20s recently lost her dog unexpectedly and reached out to me as she was so upset. That i understand as i do have dogs myself. Ive tried to be there for her like she has for me, but she put a post up on facebook saying how it was the worst thing that could ever happen and how devastated she was, and she couldānt imagine anything as bad as this. It hit a nerve because i thought, its not the worst, try losing a child. Ive pulled back from her because i feel im not the right person to help her with this. I understand shes grieving and i sympathise, its just shes had several friends lose kids now, and i just felt it was a bit insensitive. Am i a bad friend? I just cant deal with it. Im still going through a lot of trauma myself, and her grief is totally different from mine. I want to be there for her like she has been like me, but when she comes out with comments like its the worse thing ever imaginable to happen, i feel angry and i dont want to lose the friendship.
Iām so sorry about your son, @Emduds. Iām just giving your thread a gentle ābumpā - hopefully someone will be along to share their thoughts.
Helloš¤, Iāve read your post and can resonate so much with what you have written. Iām so sorry you have lost your son. Learning to live the rest of our lives without our children is unbearable. There are no words to describe the pain.
Navigating friendships after is extremely challenging, we have no capacity to deal with other stuff and thatās ok. I completely understand how that has made you feel with your friend and her dog. It does seem incredibly insensitive I agree. I have no words of wisdom on this other than I get you. My circle is so very small, itās easier managing grief on my own. No one can hurt me then with insensitive comments.
Itās a lonely path to be on. People think as well that after a certain amount of time we will feel better! I mean really? We will grieve for the rest of our lives for our children.
I donāt think friends mean to hurt us but itās hard thinking this way and it makes me so angry.
Iām not sure if Iāve helped but I wanted to let you know I hear you and get it.
I lost my daughter 9 months ago , she was 28.
Keep talking and sending understanding and hugs xxx
I can relate to what youāre saying. I think people who havenāt lost a child have a very poor understanding of the overwhelming grief. Till I lost my daughter I didnāt have a clue either. We lost a child we brought into the world with all those hopes and expectations for their future and for ours. All ripped away. Iāve been told all sorts of crap by people who actually mean well but just donāt āget Itā. Ive had people Iāve known for years and years telling me that they understand and like you, comparing it to losing a dog or cat or even their mum and dad. Losing a parent is devastating but losing a child feels like nothing I had ever experienced before and itās a tsunami of overwhelming pain. I had someone I knew come up to me and say āwell you look fine, glad youāve got over it and moved onā. She didnāt ask me how I felt and I hardly spoke. After telling me what a hard time she was having she said āI will pop round and see youā and all I thought was that I bloody well hope she doesnāt come round with her shallow and unthinking advice. People say thoughtless and hurtful things but usually they mean well. I donāt have the space in my head to listen to them and worry about their feelings. I doubt she will come round or that she ever intended to, but she didnāt know what to say and a few simple words like āIām so sorry to hear what happened, if thereās anything I can do just let me knowā would have been enough. I think people offering unsolicited bad advice and platitudes are just better avoided until you feel strong enough to learn to close your ears and accept they just understand cos theyāve never lost a child themselves. Sadly itās an isolating experience to lose your child and I think all of us have people who say the daftest, hurtful things and sometimes itās people we care for and trust. It just adds another spoonful of misery. With your friend and the dog, she has been a good friend, so maybe give it time for her to settle her mind about the dog and it might well be a friendship worth saving. So I hope it works out. As for the everyday throw away remarks by people who arenāt close in any case, I just keep away from them after Iāve had the first dose of their homespun cure for grief. I donāt think they even notice that Iām avoiding them. They arenāt focusing on my loss, they are more interested in telling themselves that I need to pull myself together. If they lost a child that they loved they would feel just as lost and overwhelmed as we do. They think it wonāt happen to them. Just like I did, till it happened to me. I hope it works out with your friend maybe a little bit of space for a little while will help you both. With good will and friendship on both sides you might well be able to get to a place where you can reach out to each other and agree that the long term friendship is worth a lot and that you value each other. It doesnāt sound like she meant to upset you but she was upset herself, albeit about a dog while your loss was infinitely worse. I hope that things work out with your friend. Xxxx
I think we all need to remember grief changes you as a person, i dont think we should have to explain our pain and if friends are insensitive we have a right to be annoyed or cut contact for a while. Grief is lonely any extra stress isnt needed. Ino it sounds harsh but you have to put yourself first. In the beginning people are there for you then the novelty wears off and their life never stopped because of a loss.