Angry at my Soulmates partners past.

When I met my soulmate Lynn she had a difficult past which I have struggled with since she passed away last October. She was everything to me and miss her every single day. She had a very boring marriage which I totally get and that for some reason does not faze me one bit. She walked away from her husband who saw her as a trophy wife on his arm.

Then she found a man who she fell for. He was older than her but had some very strange ways and controlled her. He was rough with her when they were intimate. Something that I knew.

Once he made her bleed once and he just laughed it off saying that is what women do after sex. I hate him so much . He was a selfish but she did have the guts to walk away from him twice in their relationship. It was very on and off. He scoffed at things she did and it makes me sad. I am just grateful they did not marry. I do not get mad but this man I detested.

Lynn and myself were the complete opposite. We knew how to be and be gentle with w
each other. I miss this side of our love so much and I and I do not know how or what to do about it.

He died in the end and then me and Lynn met. We had a fantastic partnership. She said I was the only one who understood her and I love her so. We were soulmates from the start and so connected on many levels.

I am bitterly heart broken and missing her so much. I have had counselling but to be honest has not made any difference. I feel so numb and sad.
But at the moment all I think is of this man in her life and it makes me so sad. I very empathic and my feelings for Lynn run very deep and could actual feel her pain in what she told me of him.
He was so selfish and a horrid alpha male.

I know it was along time ago, just over 20 years but it still bugs me. I wish i could simply let it go but for some reason my brain wont let me. it make exhausted and i know what Lynn would say and accept that but i cannot let this bit of her past go. All her friends who knew about us have said that i was the best thing to happen to her in her life. She was a lover and best friend and we did so much in the time we had.

She was also a mother figure to me as i had a very toxic and abusive past and upbringing. I loved Lynn for what she was, a beautiful and talented lady who wrote, drew, wrote poetry and books and so much in her life. I am so proud of her and I just wish I could be with her or she with me in our bed. Its is so lonely at night and i cry into the pillow where she laid. i miss the tactile touching and dare I say our love making ( sorry) but its how we were, gentle creatures who enjoyed love and life.

She was a great teacher of life and nature and taught me so much. I do not know what I am going to do. I even get sad because now the spring is upon us, flowers out and the days getting longer and she is not here to see it. I should feel better but I do not. My head feels so mixed up with so many things. I know it is still raw and the shock of her passing is still hard hitting. I think I would be more at peace if I could let go of the deep past as it is clouding my memories of us.

Dear Shelia.
Thank you so much for your reply. I took great thought in what you said and have spoken to a couple of friends who have said the same things. I am still trying to put those thoughts of him out of my mind and just trying to accept and simply forget those moments in that time. It was such a long time ago and I do not really know why it has got me so fixated. Today it has not left my mind whatever I do and its so frustrating! I am just praying it will pass and I can get back to OUR times together. The past is simply the past and I have drum that in my head! It is just sad when I think of it all. I am very empathic and sensitive around others. It has happened a lot of times before.

I wan to feel those feelings of warmth and happy times and the times we spent together roaming the country side looking for swallows or picking wild flowers, to talk out our issues and problems, saying sorry to each other for our silly little tiffs and make up and laugh about them or tease one another all in the name of love.
I wan to cuddle her, keep her warm , stroke her hair and look into her eyes and tell her how i love her, hold her from behind clothed or not and wrap my arms around her and say how beautiful she is. Calling her over as she sits on my lap and wrap our arms around each other. To spoon in bed keeping each other warm, and yes to make love. Something as you rightly say is not mentioned hardly at all on here. It is a natural act and only soulmates, lovers , husbands and wives do and so miss that intimacy it actually hurts.
That is so sad at the moment the bed is so empty and it breaks my heart that it is not happening any more. The bed is so lonely now and getting her her cup of morning tea as I showered and waved at me from the bed.
Lynn meant so much to me I cannot express it enough. That physical side is a massive void and I know I will never now let that be taken over by anyone else. I do not want to and I know many do find love again and adjust , it is simply something I do not want to do. Me and Lynn had a very special time together and I am sad and also angry at her passing. It haunts me when I saw her pass away in my arms and at the chapel of rest where she was so beautiful. I put the ring I brought her on her wedding finger and talked to her and kissed her hands and brow. It is something i will never ever forget in my whole remaining life.

I know I must let go over the deep past. Her first marriage really does not faze me at all and actually I am friends with him as was Lynn. But with this other guy ,it was a mixed up relationship and he was to much of a control freak . I am just so glad she walked away from him and had breaks.
But being able to speak about it to people on here , I hope to break that cycle.

Keep safe and well and thank you again.