When I met my soulmate Lynn she had a difficult past which I have struggled with since she passed away last October. She was everything to me and miss her every single day. She had a very boring marriage which I totally get and that for some reason does not faze me one bit. She walked away from her husband who saw her as a trophy wife on his arm.
Then she found a man who she fell for. He was older than her but had some very strange ways and controlled her. He was rough with her when they were intimate. Something that I knew.
Once he made her bleed once and he just laughed it off saying that is what women do after sex. I hate him so much . He was a selfish but she did have the guts to walk away from him twice in their relationship. It was very on and off. He scoffed at things she did and it makes me sad. I am just grateful they did not marry. I do not get mad but this man I detested.
Lynn and myself were the complete opposite. We knew how to be and be gentle with w
each other. I miss this side of our love so much and I and I do not know how or what to do about it.
He died in the end and then me and Lynn met. We had a fantastic partnership. She said I was the only one who understood her and I love her so. We were soulmates from the start and so connected on many levels.
I am bitterly heart broken and missing her so much. I have had counselling but to be honest has not made any difference. I feel so numb and sad.
But at the moment all I think is of this man in her life and it makes me so sad. I very empathic and my feelings for Lynn run very deep and could actual feel her pain in what she told me of him.
He was so selfish and a horrid alpha male.
I know it was along time ago, just over 20 years but it still bugs me. I wish i could simply let it go but for some reason my brain wont let me. it make exhausted and i know what Lynn would say and accept that but i cannot let this bit of her past go. All her friends who knew about us have said that i was the best thing to happen to her in her life. She was a lover and best friend and we did so much in the time we had.
She was also a mother figure to me as i had a very toxic and abusive past and upbringing. I loved Lynn for what she was, a beautiful and talented lady who wrote, drew, wrote poetry and books and so much in her life. I am so proud of her and I just wish I could be with her or she with me in our bed. Its is so lonely at night and i cry into the pillow where she laid. i miss the tactile touching and dare I say our love making ( sorry) but its how we were, gentle creatures who enjoyed love and life.
She was a great teacher of life and nature and taught me so much. I do not know what I am going to do. I even get sad because now the spring is upon us, flowers out and the days getting longer and she is not here to see it. I should feel better but I do not. My head feels so mixed up with so many things. I know it is still raw and the shock of her passing is still hard hitting. I think I would be more at peace if I could let go of the deep past as it is clouding my memories of us.