I lost my mum in November last year. Mother’s Day was difficult especially as it was soon after my birthday. The first birthday of the rest of my life without having my matriarch sooth and protect me with her presence and her love. I hadn’t really cried much until after I had finished the poem I had written for mum earlier this year for Mother’s Day. It was only until I had felt it was complete and read it back that a tsunami of emotions flooded through me. I miss her so so much. I just feel so incomplete. Friends and family comment on how strong I am and how well I’m doing. But it’s not strength, in just surviving. IBelow is my poem. I wanted to share it as it might help anyone going through the same emotions to know that you’re not alone. Surviving is better than not surviving at all.
Many years ago I would wake up with excitement,
Today was your day, to show you I loved you and how much you meant.
I’d run downstairs to softly boil your eggs,
To butter the toast and slice them into soldiers to enjoy in bed.
Perfectly cut for you to dip,
Dreading the mess but enjoying your tea with every sip.
Today I look around, despite the sun I carry a dark cloud,
Your egg is boiled, the tea is brewing but my mumma is nowhere to be found.
I pick up a pen and let my heart guide the ink,
I remember more when I allow myself to think.
When I was younger, I’d sit on your lap, my ear against your chest,
Simply listening to the soothing sounds reverberating where my little head would rest.
I became too big for your tiny frame so instead I lie next to you for hours on end.
Feeling safe and protected in golden silence with my Queen, my true best friend.
I find myself in your now empty room, I sit on your bed and lay on your side,
I close my eyes, listening hard, I feel your presence and start to pretend.
Engulfed by the vastness your presence once presented,
The comfort, warmth, security that your love cemented.
You may not be here in person but I carry you where ever I go,
I remember our journey… following you like your little shadow.
I remember you teaching me how to dress,
Spending hours to make me into your little princess.
I remember you admiring your creation,
Leaving me for 5 minutes with a mothers knowing anticipation.
I never cared for the frilly dresses or little bows in my wild hair,
You knew too well I’d rip them out to play with the boys in their muddy lair.
You would look at me with defeat but with pure love in your beautiful eyes,
Frustrated yet proud to have a daughter who stubbornly defies.
I think now to when you would have dressed me again,
It would have been on ‘the day’ and I start to comprehend.
You will not help me into my dress,
Observe me adoringly, ensuring I wasn’t an emotional mess.
My mind keeps thinking and now I’m angry,
For all I can think of is what’s been taken from me.
I think forward to the future that has been stollen,
You shall never see me with my belly swollen.
You will not hold my hand when I’m in labour,
Stroke my head, or wipe my brow.
Calming and soothing in a way only a mother knows how.
My heart breaks at the thought of lifes new fight,
This just one thing without my dear mumma on my right.
You know, I used to watch you in absolute awe,
Getting ready to be the hostess of Long Beach before opening the doors.
I knew I had a beautiful mumma not just I, but many adored.
Your beauty and grace left all so breathless,
Your heart and soul was simply limitless.
You’d rise up to cruelty by acts of kindness,
The perfect teacher, so moral and selfless.
You were firm but fair, resolute and strong,
Imparted wisdom and built a beautiful family bond.
You extended your love to our friends, your heart always open,
We put you through your paces but never did you draw the final curtain.
One day I will retrace your steps of this I’m sure.
Your legacy will live amongst my daughter and so much more.
For when my princess defies my efforts,
I’ll take a deep breath and count to ten,
I’ll smile knowingly that my love and patience will have no end.
Thank you my angel for giving me wings,
For giving me strength to face what life relentlessly brings.
We did so much together and I said I loved you every single day,
I wished so hard for your pain to be taken away.
That doesn’t matter now that you’re gone,
We should have done more before you gained your wings and flew to where you’ve always belonged.