Angry with my selfish brother

Hello all
For nearly 7 years I’ve been very angry with my selfish brother for not showing any emotion over losing our mum. Nor did he come to my mums funeral. I get nf brother is a condition Asperger’s syndrome but I am sick of hearing same lame excuse my dad makes for his brothers selfish inconsiderate behaviour. My brother is so self consumed. He was exactly the same over our nan who went after my Nan.
My dad I did all the funeral arrangements not once did he support my dad. In the months and years that have followed it was only me who sat with my dad about how he feels and my selfish brother was more concerned with his own problems even on the day my mum left us and he’s still doing it. God he makes me so angry. Yet again that lamd excuse keeps coming back. I’ve tried to bring up the subject with my dad and I can completely understand my dad when he says he’s my son but I don’t give my dad life of hell he’s given. My dad is 79 years old he’s got half a foot he’s not well he still does my brothers washing buys his 36 cans of lager because he’s got a drink problem. My dad does to much for him and he gets no appreciation. Seriously way I feel I could punch him I won’t I’ll still put up with it for my dads sake. I am so worried it’s going to be the death of my dad. My brother has been in prison few times my dad and I think he’s going to end up institutionalised and when my dad leaves it’s going to become my problem.
To say I’m sick of his selfish behaviour is an understatement but I am more concerned with support my dad not some brother who claims he thought a lot of ny dad and what makes me upset is other dad he talked about my dad. It’s bit late in the day

Mate if he’s got a drink problem the only thing he thinks about is when he’s having his next drink, I don’t know anything about his other problem but by the sound of it he’s just a self centered git.
If I were you I would try to make sure that when your dad goes the house etc. is left to the person who supported him.
Next time he is in prison change the locks.

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That’s just it. My dad will still put up with him and continue to blame it on his condition. If I had my way I’d wash my hands of him

Firstly, so sorry for your loss.
It sounds like your brother has a whole load of issues which need addressing but ones which he is not ready to tackle. Whilst this isn’t an excuse it could be the reason for his behaviour.
As parents, we love unconditionally. I can’t think of anything my children could do for me not to do that. Your Dad is likely to feel the same.
As hard as it is, you need to find a way to let the anger ease (says me who has so much anger towards my own brother). All it will do is eat you up.
Be there for your dad but accept your brother will always be part of his life.
Families are not easy. Once my mum dies (she’s 87) I won’t speak to mine atall and I’m actually fine with that. My dad always said to me “treat your family like anyone else; you have friends, acquaintances and enemies)

I’ve aready had that conversation with my dad regarding the house to no avail.
Well apparently the Asperger’s syndrome affects a person how they behave medical experts say they can’t help what they do. My brother won’t even take medication to calm him down. It just beggars belief. I’ll be damned if it becomes my problem when my dad goes. Otherwise I’ll end up In early grave.
My dad and I have had a lot to deal with not just my brother but with my mum leaving us. I don’t need his problems when he’s not willing to help himself. I will be giving him an ultimatum sort yourself out or I will not support you.

i would have got rid of him a long time ago. i dont go along with conditions are an excuse, as for the drinking he wouldnt get his foot inside the door.
I have daughter very much the same, she fell out with her sister 10 yrs ago over a phone cover and a horse, they spoke briefly at my grandsons funeral 5 yrs ago but only cause they had to . me and her havent spoke since her son died 5 yrs ago because i said something she didnt like but when her dad died last yr, i didnt tell her my other grandson had to and all she did was shrug her shoulders and carried on with what she was doing.
i hate families, they are worse sometimes than enemies.

I completely understand why my dad tolerates him because it’s his son I get that. I partly blame my brother for having a part in my mums death indirectly he did. He drove my mum around the twist made her illnesses and her drinking much worse before she became a non alcoholic but my brother not once has he acknowledged his disgusting behaviour he makes me so sick with anger.
My poor dad runs around after him doing his washing drying ironing giving him money he pays back all because he don’t trust himself with his bank card not even trust himself having a mobile phone. If anything happens to my dad I’ll never ever forgive him.


My son has a bad alcohol problem. I lost my husband/his dad 5 months ago and his drinking is worse. He is only thinking about his next drink. I am grieving yet having to deal with him.

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Family our the worse my mum was in her 70s paying rent and giving him money he was claiming housing and other benefits on average about £2000 per month when I found out I put a stop to it went to the bank and put a block on him and told him straight that if he wanted to see mum there had to be someone there at all times you have to protect your dad there our many things you can do that your brother doesn’t need to know about it’s hard and will causes arguments stay strong you can only do the best you can do your brother problems our not yours it sounds selfish if he wants to drink himself to death let him you need to concentrate on only you your dad and close loves ones

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I understand yr situation

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Well I want my brother out of the will if anything happens to my dad but ny dad doesn’t think it’s fair I get what he’s saying but I’m worried my brother could cause trouble and he’d say to the police half of the family’s house is his and that’s when the police couldn’t remove him from the house. My dad reckons because of his Asperger’s syndrome my brother wouldn’t have the capacity for this. I don’t trust my brother

Sorry Steven but you really have no right to ask your Dad to take your brother out of the Will, he’s a grown man who can make his own decisions. It may ease your concerns if you seek some proper legal advice (you can get this through the citizens advice bureau for free). It’s my understanding, that the only way your brother could stay there is if it was mutually agreed by all beneficiaries (which clearly wouldn’t be the case) or your dad has it written into the Will that he can stay for a certain reason.

I don’t disagree with the beginning of what you say. It’s certainly something I’ll explore with my dad but under the law the house is legally half of his. I have to consider the effect my brothers behaviour will have not just on me but my disabled daughter. It’s big concern I have. I’ll be making it clear to my brother that if he misbehaves i will involve the police.
The only problem with my brother only being allowed to stay for a certain reason is surely it would take away his right to move in if he was made homeless which I have already told my dad I wouldn’t want that.

Just another thought; have you ever been involved with any Asperger’s/ASD support groups? This may help you understand and navigate the condition and how best to approach things. It can be really difficult for a neurotypical person to understand the world of someone with ASD.

No I do understand how my brothers condition affects him also my dad does. Part of problem is he will not take medication to calm him down not even seek help. He’s not helping himself he keeps saying he’s lonely but he won’t do anything to remedy his loneliness and he won’t leave his flat to socialise and he wants time with my dad all the time. He’s driving us round the twist especially my dad who’s 79 years old. I to have got a lot on my plate looking after a disabled daughter. I really can’t be doing with my brother if he won’t seek help. It’s ok for people who tell you what to do regarding a brother with Asperger’s syndrome but people don’t have a clue what it’s like when it’s us who has to deal with his condition day in day out. I know my brother is going to end up institutionalised in prison for the rest of his life. So if anyone has any realistic solutions to help him my dad and I would like to know. At the end of the day how do you help someone who doesn’t want to help himself

Also get social services involved you might not the Idea I had to in the end regarding my brother as he would not listen they put a safe guarding team in place I wish I had done it sooner they were so good regarding making your brother he homeless sometimes you have to be cruel to be kind I didn’t tell my mum the safe guarding team removed him :grin:he soon found a place to stay with his alcoholic people my responsibility was my mum and only her I don’t mean to sound harsh I really don’t care if he is dead or alive

Yeah I’ll see if we can get social services involved with him being a vulnerable adult especially with challenging behaviour. My brother does have his own place paying a mortgage but it’s going to rack and ruin. My brother binge drinks my dad is always buying 36 cans of lager a week he’s got a job as painter and decorater nature of the Industry is nothing permanent for him. If he loses his job he goes to pieces takes it out on my dad everytime and then he goes and does something stupid that involves the police. I wish we could find a way to get him take his condition more seriously like taking medication to keep him calm. How do we do that. Maybe social services could help him

One thing I do have to remember he is my brother I’m not going to abandon him

I care for my son who has aspergers and I feel upset when people treat him unfairly. Reading this makes me feel there is no hope. He tried to take his life three times years ago when his nan died.
I struggle now his dad has died last year and I get how hard it is but he is still my own flesh and I love him despite the difficulties. It is so hard when you can’t be like neuro typical people however hard you try and the constant battle is wearing knowing you will never get it entirely right.


My alcoholic adult son lives with me, his dad, my husband of 40 years died 5 months ago. I sgree it is very hard dealing with grief and being a carer. I feel extremely lost and lonely as he has no friends and my daughter will not able to help as they do not get on. My life now is bleak.

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